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1 1 \ 




A6ted at the 


Written by Mr. Wycherlej. 

Jndignor quicquam reprekendi, ^ non quia craffe 
Compofitum iflepideve putetur, fed quia nuper: 
Nee veniam Antlquls, fed honor em & pnemla pofci. 

^ Horat. 


Princed for T. Bring, and fold by R. Bentley, and S, 
Magnes m Rufel-Jireet in Covent-Garden. 1688, 

J. .A 


I -.1 ^i n i 

^^-■^ «^^ . -/ 

FRO LO CUE, fpoken by Mr. Hart. 

POets like Cudgetd Bullys^ never io 
At firflt orfecond hlow^ fuhmk to you; 
But will provoke you ft ill and nere have done^ 
till you are weary firfly with laying on : 
the late fo hafled Scrihler of this day^ 
Though he flands trembling, bids me boldly fay, 
What we before moft Tlayes are usd io doy 
For Poets out of fear, firfi draw on you ; 
In a fierce Prologue^ the Jl ill Pit deficy 
And ere you fpeak, like Caflril, give the lye ; . 
But though our Bayfes Battels oft fve fought ^ 
And with bruised knuckles^ their dear conquejls bought ; 
l^ay, never yet feard Odds upon the S^^ge, 
In Prologue dare not He^or with" the Age^ 
But won d take Quarter from your faving hands ^ 
Though Bayie within all yielding Countermands^ 
Says you Confederate Wits no Quarter gtvs, 
Therfore his Play fhant ask your leave to live : 
Welly let the vain rdfh Fop^ h ^Hfi^gfiy ' <^ 
Think to obtain the better terms of you ; 
But we the A^ors humbly willfubmit^ 
Itfow, and at any time to a full Pit i 
if ay, often we anticipate your rage, 

And murder Poets for youy on our Stage : ^ 

^e fet no Guards upon our Tyring-Room^ 
^ut when with flying Colours t there you come^ 
^€ patiently you fee, give up toy ouy 
^ur PoetSy Firgins, nay our Matrons toq. 

A 2, The 




R.Horner, Mr. Hart. 
Mr. Harcourty Mr. Kenajlon. '^j,^\^^^ 
Mr. Dorilant, Mr. I^dal.-;^^^^^^ 

Mr. Yinchwife, Mx- Mohm^^^'-^^ 

Mr. Sprkifb, '''/^^Mt.H/^m^s^ '^ 
Sir J//j^^r F//^^^-. Mr. Cartwfigt^^sx X^ 
M'MarzerfVinchwife, Mrs. jB^n}i^if^"' ^^^^'^ "^"^ 
Mrs. Alima, Mm^james^'i^^^^, 

My Lady F%^ Mrs. K;^. '^^^^\.^^^ 
Mrs. 'Dainty Vidget, Mrs, Corkt.^^^^\vi^ 
Mrs. Speamijh, Mxs/Matt.;:^^.^f^^ 
Old Lady Saueamijh, Mrs. Riitter^ ^^ ^^^-^^^^ 

•^ . \..K^;ux .i.>ii>v=. ^-h,^^ ^^^i^ 

Waiters, Servants, and ^ Atteedan^ 

Lucy, Alithesi s Matd, Mrs. C<;rF- ■ 
Tk SCENE London. 

■ ' ^■; ,T H-E ' ,;.;-.■.,;,:. 

Country- Wife. 

AC T I. S C E N E I. 

Eftter Homer, and Q^^ck fo//owiHgh/m^t a difiame. 

Hor. A Qpack is as fit for a Pimp, as a Midwife for a Bawd, 

they areftill but in their way, both helpers of Na- 

ture.= {afide:^ .Well, my dear Dodtor, halb 

thou done what I defired ? 

Qtt, I have undone you for ever with the Women, 
and reported you throughout the whole Town as 
bad as an Emmh^ with as much trouble as if I had made you one in 

Hor. Bu€ have you told all the Mid wives you know, the Orange 
Wenches at the Playhoufes, the City Husbands, and old Fumbling 
Keepers of this end of the Town, for they'l be the readieft to re- 
port \x.. 

Qtt. I have told the Chamber-maids, Waiting^women, Tyre-^ 
women, and Old women of my acquaintance^ nay, and whifper'd it 
as a fecret to 'em, and to the Whifperers of ff^^^VeW/^ fo that you need 
not doubt 'twill fpread, and you will be as odious to the handfome 
young Women, as — ^ 

//or. As the fmall Pox — Well- 

Qu. And to the married Women of this end of the To^n, as — ~ 

Hor. As the great ones^ nay, as their own Husbands. 

Qh, And to the City Dames as kvim^-^tt^ Rohhin^ of filthy and con- 
temptible memory, and they will frighten their Children with your 
name, efpecially their Females. 

Hor. And cry Hormr'^% coming to carry you away : I am only 
afraid 'twill nx)t be believ'd ; you told 'em it was by an En^lifh- 
French difafter, and an Englifo- French Ghirurgeon, who has given me 
at once, not only a Cure, bat an Antidote for the future, againft that 
damn'd malady, and that worfe diftemper, Love, and all other *Wo- 
mens evils. 

Q^a. Your late j.ourney into France has made it the more credible, 

B and 

i The CoujitryWift* 

and your being here a fortnight befoie you appear'd in publick, looks 
as if you apprehended the fhame, which 1 wonder you donot: Well 
1 have been hired by young Gallants to bely 'em t'other way ^ but you- 
are the firft wou'd be thought a Man^unfit for Women. 

Hor. Dear Mr. Dodor, let vain Rogues be contented only to be 
thought abler Men than they are, generally 'tis all the pleafure they 
have^ but mine lies another way. ' ?; ■-• ' -? "^ f-^. 

Qh. You take, methinks, a very preppfterous way to "it, and as ridi- 
culous as if we Operators in Phylick, fliou'd put forth Bills to difparage 
our Medicaments, with hopes to gain Cuftomers- 

Hor. Do(^or, there are Quacks in Love, as well as Phyfick, who 
get but the fewer and worle Patients, for their boafting ; a good 
name is feldom got by giving it ones felf, and Women no more than 
honour are compafs'd by bragging: Come, come Dodor, the wifeft 
Lawyer never difcovers the merits of his caufe till the tryal , the weal- 
thiefl Man conceals his riches, and the cunning Gamefter his play ^ 
Shy Husbands and Keepers like old Rooks are not to be cheated, but 
by a new unpraclis'd trick •, falfe friendlhip will pafs now no more than 
falfe Dice upon 'em •, no, not in the City. 

Enter Boy^ . 

Boy. There are two Ladies and a Gentleman coming up. 

Hor. A Pox, fome unbelieving Sifters of my former acquaintance^ 
who I am afraid, exped their fenfefbou'd be fatisfy'd of the falflty of 
the report. C Enter Sir Jz^^.^id^g^t^ 

No- this formal Fool and Women ! ^^Lady Fidget, and Mrs. 

Qh. His Wife and Siller. CDainty Fidget. 

, Sir JaJ. My Coach breaking juft now before your door. Sir, I look 
fjpon as an occafional repremand to me. Sir, for not kifling your hands, 
Sir, fince your coming out of France Six -, and fo my difafter Sir, has 
been my good fortune. Sir, and this is ray Wife and Sifter Sir. 

Hor. What then^ Sir ? 

Sirjaf. My Lady, and Sifter, Sir.— —Wife, this isMafter Horner^ 

La. Fid. Mafter Homer-, Husband ! - 

Sir Jaf. My Lady, my Lady Fidgety Sir. 

Hor. So, Sir. 

Sir Jaf. Won't you be acquainted with her Sir .«* 
£So the report is true, I find by his coldnefs or averlion tothe Sex ^ 
but Pi) play the wag with him.] L^fi^^-1 

Pray falute my Wife, my Lady, Sir. 

Hor. I will kifs no Mans Wife, Sir, for him, Sir, I have taken my 
eternal leave, Sir, of the Sex already. Sir. 

- ^iry^/. Hah, hah, hah ^ I'll plague him yet. \_Afide.2 

Not knov^my Wife, Sir? 

Hor. I do know your Wife, Sir, fhe's a Woman, Sir, and confequent- 
ly p Monfter, Sir, a greater Monfter than a Husband, Sir. 

Sirjaf. A Husband ^ how, Sir? 

Hor. So, Sir j butt make no more Cuckolds, Sir. [ minims homes. 

- "- Str Jaf 

'The Country 'Wife, ,j 

tirjaf. )Azh^hz\\\z\ Mercpiry^ A^rcury. 
La, Fid. Pray, Skjafper^ let us be gone from this rude Fellow. 
Mrs. Daint. Who, by his breeding, wou'd think, he had ever been 
in France ? 

La. Fid. Foh, he's but too much a French Fellow, fucti as hate Vv^omen 
of quality and virtue, for their love to their Husbands, Sir Jaf^^er ^ 
a Woman is hated by 'em as much for loving her Husband, as for loving 
their Money : But pray let's be gone. 

Hor. You do well, Madam, for 1 have nothing that you came for : I 
have brought over notfo much as a Bawdy Pidure, new Pollures, nor 

the fecond Part of the Efcole de Filles ^ Nor^ 

Qh. Hold for iharae, Sir ^ what d'ye mean ? you'l mine your fclf for 

^ ever with the Sex— — ^ \^afart to Horner. 

Sirjaf. Hah, hah, hah, he hates Women perfecftly, I find. , _ 
'' Davfi. What pity 'tis he fhou''d. . ; 

La. Fid. Ay, he's a bafe rude fellow for't j but afFedation makes^ not 
a Woman more odious to them, than Virtue. 

Hor. Becaufeyour Virtue is your greateftafFedation, Madam. 

La. Fid. How, you fawcy Fellow, wou'd you wrong my honour ? 

Hor. If I cou'd. 

La. Fid. How d'ye mean. Sir ? 

Sir Jaf. Hah, hah, hah, no he can't wrong your Ladyfhips honour, 

upon my honour j he poor Man hark you in your ear a meer 


Lad. O filthy French Beaft, foh, foh , why do we flay ? let's be gone ? 
I can't endure the fight of him. 
Sir Jaf. Stay but till the Chairs come, they'i be here prefently. 
Lad. No, no. , ^ 

Sirjaf. Nor can I Itay longer^ 'tis let me fee, a quarter and a 

half quarte,r of a minute pafl eleven ^ the -Council will be fate, I mult 
away : bufinefs nauft be preferr'd always before Love and Ceremony 
with the wife, Mr. Homer. ^ : - ■-' - : - 

i/or. And the Impotent, Sir ^^yp^r. _ . 

Sir Jaf Ay, ay, the impotent Mafter Horner.^ hah, ha, ha. - 
Lad. What leave us with a filthy Man alone in his Lodgings ? 
Sir Jaf He's an innocent Man now, you know ; pray ftay, VW hailen 

tlie Chairs tayou Mr. Hormr your Servant, 1 Ihou'd be glad to 

fee, you at my houfe •, pray come and dine with me, ^nd play sc Cards 
with my Wife after dinner, you are fit for Women at that Game yet-, 

hah, ha— Q'Tis as-^much a Husbands prudence to provide innocent 

diverfionfor a Wife, as to hinder her unlawful pleafures -, and he had 
better employ her, than let her employ her felf {_Afde. 

Farewel. ^ ^Exit Sir Jafper, 

Hor. Your Servant, Sir Jafpr. 

Lad. I wjii not ftay with him, foh — - 

Hor. Niy, Madam, i bsfeech you ftay, if it be but to fee, I can be 
as civil to Ladies yet, as they wou'd defire. 

- B 2 La, 

4 The Countrji'Wife. 

Lad. Mo, no, fob, you cannot be civil to Ladies.^ 
Vatn. You as civil as Ladies wou'd defire ! ' / 

Lad. No, no, no, fob, fob, fob. [^Exenm Lady V id. afid Dainty. 
Qu. Now 1 think, I, or you your felf rather, have done your bufinefs 
with the Women. 

Hor. Thou art an Afs, don't you fee already upon the report and my 
carriage, this grave Man of bufinefs leaves his Wife in my Lodgings, in- 
vites me to his Houfe and Wife, who before wou'd not be acquainted with 
me out of jealoufie. 

Qh. Nay, by this means you may be "the more acquainted with the 
Husbands, but the lefs with the Wives. 

Hor. • Let me alone, if I can but abufe the Husbands, 'I'll foon difabufe 

the Wives : Stay I'll reckon you up the advantages, I am like to 

have by my Stratagem : Firit I fliall be rid of all my ol-d Acquaintances, 
the molt infatiable forts of Duns, that invade our Lodgings in a morn- 
ing: And next to the pleafure of making a New Miftrifs, is that of be- 
ing rid of an old One, and of all old Debts j Love when it comes to be 
fo, is paid the molt unwillingly. 

Qu. Well, you may be fo rid of your old Acquaintances \ but how will 
you get any new Ones ? 

Hor, Dodor, thou wilt never make a good Chymilt , thou art fo 
incredulous and impatient ; ask but-all the young Fellows of the Town, 
if they do not lofe more time, like Huntfmen, in ftarting the game, 
than in running it down ; one knows not where to find 'em , who will 
or will not •, Women of Quality are fo civil, you can hardly diflin- 
guifh love from good breeding, and a Man is often miftaken ; but now 
1 can be fure, (he that ihews an averfion tome loves the fport, as 
thofe Women that are gone , whom I warrant to be right : And then 
the next thing, is your Women of Honour, as you caH em, are only 
, chary of their reputations, not their Perfons, and 'tis fcandal they 
• wou'd avoid, not Men : Now may I have, by the reputation of an 
Eunuch, the Priviledges of One^ and be feen in a Ladies Chamber 
in a morning as early as her Husband ; kifs Virgins before their Pa- 
rents, or Lovers; and maybe in Ihort the Pas par tout of the Town. 
Now Dodlor. 

^^. Nay, now you fhall be the Dodor ; and your Procefs is fo new, 
that we do not know but it may fucceed- 

Hor. Not fo new neither, Probatam efi, DoCtor. 
Qji. Well, I wifh you luck and many Patients, whiPit I go to mioe. 

[Exit. Quack. 
£«fer Harcourt, WDorilantfo Horner. 
Har. Come, your appearance at the Play yefterday, has I hope 
hardned .you for the future againft the Womens contempt, and the 
Mens raillery '•, and now you'l abroad as you were wont. 
Hor. Did I not bear it bravely ? 

Dcr. Withamoft Theatrical impudence^ nay, more than th^ O- 
range Wenches Ihew there, or a drunken Vizard Mask, or a great 


The Country-Wife. 5 

bellyMAdrersi nay, or the mofl impudent of Creatures, an ill Poet 5 
or what is yet more impudent, a fecond-hand Critick. 

Hor. But what fay the Ladies, have they no pity ? 

Har. What Ladies? the Vizard Mafques you know never pity a 
Man when all's gone, though in thtir Service. 

-Dor. And for the Wcmen in the Boxes, youM never pity, thera, 
when 'twas in your power. 

Har. Thsy fay, 'tis pity but all that deal with common Women 
Ihou'd be ferv'd fo. 

Dor. Nay, I dare fwear, they woii't.admit you to play at Cards with 
them, go to Plays with 'em, or do the little duties which other Sha- 
dows of men are wont to do for 'em. 

//or. Who do you call fliadows of Men .^ 

Dor. Half M^n. 

Bor. What Boys? 

Dor. Ay, your old Boys, oldibeaHx Garfons^ who like fuperannuated- 
Stallions are fuffer'd to run, feed, and whinny with the Mares as long 
as they live, though they can do nothing elfe. 

Hot. ,W€ll, a Pox on love and wenching. Women ferve but to keep 
a Man from better Company ^ though I can't enjoy them, I Ihall you 
the more : good ff llowihip and friendlhip, are lafting, rational, and 
manly pleafures, 

•Bar. For all that give me fome of thofe pleafures, you call effemi- 
nate too, they help to relifli one another. ; 

Hor. They difturb one another. 0/' ; . av? r-; 

Bar, No, Miftrefles are like Books; if you pore upon them too 
much, they doze you, and make you unfit for Company^ but if us'd 
dilcreetly, you are the fitter for converfation by 'em. 

Dor. A Miftrefs ftiou'd be like a little Country Retreat near the 
Town, "not to dwell in conllantiy, but only for anight and away ^ to 
talie the Town the better when a Man returns^ ' 

Bor. I tell you, 'tis as hard to be a good Fellow, a good Friend, 
and a Lover of Women, as 'tis to be a good Fellow, and a good Friend, 
and a Lover of Money : You cannot follow both, then chufe your fide 5, 
Wine gives you liberty, Love takes it away. 
'- Dor. Gad, he's in the right on't. .■'■ .m:-'^;^^v - v -• V.. 

//or. Wine gives you joy. Love grief and tortures^ /befides the 
Ghirurgeon's Wine makes us witty, Love only Sots: Wine makes us 
fleep, Love breaks it. - 

^ Dor. By the World he has reafoii, Barcomt. > 

//or. Wine makes us 

Dor. Ay, Wine makes us — — ■ — makes us Princes,- Love inakesus 
Beggars, poor Rogues, y gad — ■ and Wine --^ — 

Bor. So, there's one converted. No,- no ? Love and Wine?. 

Oil and Vinegar. 

Bar. I^rant it", Love will Hill be uppermoft. 

Bor, Come, for my part I will have only thofe gloriovis, manljf 
pleafures of being very druuk, and very flovenly.^ ^nnr 

4 Thf Country Wifep 

Boy. 'Mi\ SparkjJhhM^W^^S'ir.' ■: •.•■.' ' ''• 

Har, What, my dear Friend ! a Rogue that is fond of me, only 
I think for abiiiing him. ■ ^ '.i^ " ' / 

Dor. No, he can no more think the Men laugh at him, than that 
Women jilt hini, his opinion of himfeif is fo good. 

Hor. Well, there's another pleafure by drinking, I thought not of, 
I fhall lofe his acquaintafice, becaufe he cannot drink : and you know 
*cis a very hard thing to be rid, of him, for he's one of thofe nau- 
feous offerers at wit, who like tha worft Fidlers run themfeives into all 
Companies. ^ ^ 

Har. One, that by being in the Company of Men of fenfe wou'd 
pafs for one. 

Hor. And may Co to the fhort-fighted World, as a falfe Jewel a- 
mongfl: true ones, is not difcern'd at a diftance •, his Company is as 
troublefome to us, as a Cuckolds, when you have a mind to his Wife's. 

Har. No, the Rogue will not let us enjoy one another^ but ravilhes 
ourconverfation, though he fignifies no more to't, than Sir Martin 
Mar-alPs gaping, and auker'd thrumming upon the Lute, does to his 
Man's Voice, and Mufick. 

Par. And to pafs for a wit in Town, (hews himfeif a fool every pight 
to us, that are guilty of the plot. 

Hor. Such wits as he, are, to a Company of reafonable Men, like 
Rooks to the Gamefters, who only fill a room at the Table, but are 
fo far from contributing to the play, that they only ferve to fpoil the 
fancy of thofe that do. 

Dor. Nay, they are us'd like Rooks too, fnub'd, check'd, and a- 
bus'd •, yet the Rogues will hang on. 

Hor. A Pox on 'em, and all that force Nature, and wou'd be flill what 
Ihe forbids 'em ^ Affedation is her greateft Monfter. 

Har. Moft Men are the contraries to that they wou'd feem ^ your 
bully you fee, is a Coward with a long Sword ^ the little humbly fawning 
Phyiician with his Ebony Cane, is he that deftroys Men. 

Dor. The Ufurer, a poor Rogue, poflefs'd of moldy Bonds , and 
Mortgages^ and we they call Spend-thrifts, are only wealthy, who lay 
out his money upon daily new purchafes of pleafure* 

Hor. Ay, your erranreft Cheat, is your Truftee, or Executor •, your 
jealous Man, the greatelt Cuckold ; your Church-man, the greateft A- 
theift •, and your noify pert Rogue of a wit, the greateft Fop, dulleft 
Afs, and worft Company, as you (hall fee : For here he comes. 

E/7ter Sparkifh to them. 
Spark:^ How is't, Sparks, how is't ? Well Faith, Harq^ I muft rail- 
iy thee a little, ha, ha, ha, npon the report in Town of thee, ha, ha, 
ha, I can't hold y Faith j fha!) I Ipeak ? 
Hor. Yes, but you'l be fo bitter then. 

Spar. Honeft -C'ic^.and Fr^wi^ here Ihall anrwer for me, I will -not 
be extream bitter hy the Univerfe. ' ^ ' 


The Country-Wife. 7 

H'ar. We will be bound in ten thoufand pound Bond, he jhall not be 
bitter at all. - ; -i ■ ''. ' ' ^V:;:-5\%:k---d - :\ '-■.x\ 

J9or. Nor fharp, nor fweet. 

H^. What, not down right infipid ? 

5p-«r. Nay then, finceyouare fo brisk, and provoke me, take what 
follows 5 you muft know, I was difcourfing and raillying with fome Ladies 
yefterday,,'and they hapned to talk of the fine new Signs in Town. 
.: ]Iior, Very fine Ladies I believe. 

•^' Spar. Said J, I know where thebefi: new Sign is. Where, fays one 
of the Ladies ? In Covent-Garden^l repiy'd. Said another, In what Street ? 
In Rffpl-fireef .J aofwer'd I. Lord, fays another, Pm fure there was iie're 
a fine new fign th'ere yelterday. Yes but there was, faid I again, and it 
came out of France^ and has been there a fortnight. 

Dor. A Pox, I can here no more, prethee. 
' Bor, No hear him out ; let him tune his Crowd a while. 

Har, The worffc Mufick the greateft preparation. 

Spar. Nay faith, I'll make you laugh. It cannot be, fays z third La- 
dy. Yes, yes, quoth I again. Says a fourth Lady,' — ■ 

HoA Look to't, we'll have no more Ladies. 

Spar, No.- —then mark, mark, now, faid I to the fourth, did 

you never fee Mr. Hormr ? he lodges in Rajfd-jireet, and he's a fign of a 
Man, you know, fince he came out of -F^^^we, heh, hah, he. 

Hor. But the Devil take me, if thine be the fign of a jeaft. 

Spar. With that they all fell a laughing, till they bepifs'd themfelves ? 
what, but it does not mave you, methinks ? well I fee one had as good go 
to Law without a witnefs, asbreak a jeaft without a laughter on ones 

fide. 'Come, come Sparks, but where do we dine, 1 have left at 

Whitehall an Earl to dine with you. 

' Dor. Why, I thought thou hadft lov'd a Man with a title better, than 
a Suit with a French trimming to't. 

Har. Go to him ag^in. • 

Spar. No, Sir, a Wit to me is the greateft title in the World. 

Hor. But go dine with your Earl, Sir, he may be exceptious ^ we are 
your Friends, and will not take it ill to be left, I do afflireYou, 

H^ir. Nay, faith he (hall go to him. , :. . ^ - - 

Span Nay, pray Gentlemen. ~ 

^■^■■Dor. We'll thfufl: you out, if you wo'not, what difappoint any Body 
for us ? 

Spar. Nay^ dear Gentlemen hear me. 

Hor. No, no, Sir, by no means •, pray go Sir. 
~ ' Sp^r. Why, dear Rogues. ^They all thrufi him 

Dor. No, no. \oHt of the room. 

Jll. Ha, ha, ha. {S^zr. returns. 

Spar. But, Sparks, pray hear me •, what d'ye think I'll eat then with 
gay (hallow Fops, and filent Coxcombs ? I think wit as necelFary at din- 
ner as a glafs of good wine, and that's the reafon 1 never have any Ito- 
rnach when leatalone-~-Co[ne, but where do we dine/ 
' ■ Hor,. 

8 The Country'Wife* 

Hoy. Ev'n where you will. 

S^ar. At Chat elineh. 
Dor. Yes, if you will. 
' Sfar, OrattheCoc^. 

I)or, Yes, if you pleafe. 
. 5/?<ir. Or at the jDo^ and P^fn'd^. 
Hor, Ay, if you have a mind to't, for we fhall dine at neither. 
Spar. Pfhaw, with your fooling we fhall lofe the new Play \ and t 
vvouM no more mifs feeing a new Play the firft day, than I wouM mifs 
;iittiBg in the wits Row ; therefore I'll go fetch my Miftrifs and away. 

\lExit Sfarkipi. 
Manent Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant^ Enter to them .:.. . 
yl^. Pinchwife;. .:..u,"i i■^.--o 

Nor. Who have we here, Finchwife} ; i : 'irKis^j >- ^i:,-" 
-A:ir. P/w^. Gtntlemen, your humble Ssrvant*'^ 'r'.-!-rt. 
Hor:^. Well, J^ck^ by thy long abfence from the Town, the grumnefs 
t)f thy countenance, and tiie llovenlynefs of thy habit j I fhpu'd give thee 
joy, Ihou'd I not, of Marriage ^ 

Mr. Tin. [Death does he know I'm married too ? I thought to have 
concearditfromhimatleafl:.] ' \_Ajide. 

My longftayin the Country will excufe mydrefs, and I have a fuit of 
Law that brings me up to Town, that -puts me out of humour •, belldes 1 
muft give Sparkifh to morrb'v five thoufand pound to lie with my.Sifter. 

Hor. Nay, you Country Gentlemen rather than not purchafej will 
buy anything, and he is a crackt Title, if vf^ may quibble :. Well : but 
am I to give thee joy, 1 heard thou wert marry'd r* ., „ j^ui^; ., 
Mr. Pin. What then? trba ^.^jfkq'V— _ 

Hor. Why, the next thing that is to be heard, is, thou'rt a Cuckold. 
Mr. Pin. Iniupportable name. \^Apde. 

Hor. But I did not exped Marriage from fuch a Whoreraafler as you, 
one that knew the Town fo much, and W^omen fb well. 
Mr. Pin. W'hy, I have married no London Wife. 
Hor. pfhaw, that's all one, that grave circumfpeftion in marrying a 
Country Wife, is like refufing a deceitful pamper'd 5w>/b/e/^ jade, to 
go and be cheated by a Friend in the Country. 

Mr. Pin. APoxon him'andhis Simile. {_Jftde. 

At leafl: we are little furer of the breed there, know what her keeping has 
been, whether foyl'd or urfound. 

Hor. Cottie, come, I have known a clap gotten in Wales.^ and there are 
Cozens, Juftices Clarks, and Chaplains in the-Country, I won't fay 
Coach-men^ but (he's handfome and young. 

//>?. I'll anfwer as I fhou'd do. {^Apde. 

No, no, fhe has no beauty, -but her youth ; no attradion, but her mo- 
lieily, -wholefome, homely, and hufwifely, that's ail. 
Dor. He talks as like a Grafier as he iooks. 
Pin. She's too auker'd, ill-favour'd, and filly to bring to Town- Then methinks you fhou'd bring her, to be taught breeding. 


/ : The Country-Wife, p 

/;vP/»i.T0 be taught ; no, Sir, I thank you, good Wives, and private 
Souldiers fhouM be Ignorant.' ■ ■:!j 'E Vi\ Jfeeep her from your inftru(?;ipns 
I warrant you.- ' -r- ^ .;;.■ •, .•,■:./■■.: •'■.■(-.; ;' ,^ : " .'v!""' 

JIar, The Rogue- is as jealous, as if his wife were not ignorant* t^i^^<?. 

Hor. Why, if (he be ill favourM, there will be lefs danger here for j, 
you, than by leaving her in the Country j we have; fuch .variety of daia-i 
ties that we are feldom hungry. ' ■. ^ly .Vi . ! f 

Dor. But they have alwayes coarfe, co nftant, fwingirig ftbmachs i/i 
the Country.: . .: „ ' v \^ ,, . .,. ..^ '■'.,,, ,..',^' ■ ,:, 

Har. Foul Feeders indeed. /' Vi>ri.^L 

i>or. And your Hofpitalisy is greatthere. '^ V:^.'*..^^ 

Har, Open houfe, every Man's welcome. ■ . ' • , , / 

V'ln. So, fb, Gentlemen. ; ^ , ) ;; ,. ._ 

Hor. Butprethee, why woud'ft thou marry her ? if (he be ugly, ili- 
bred, and filly, (he muft be rich then. A 

Fin. As rich as if (he brought me twenty thoufand pound out of this 
Town \ for fhe'l be as fure noctofpend her moderate portion, asa Lw- 
don Baggage wouMbe to fpend hers, let it be what it wou'd: fo'tis all 
one : then becaufe (lie's ugly, (he's the likelyer to be my own ^ and.being 
ill bred, (he'l hate conyerfation ^ and fince filly and innoce'nE, ^ will iioC 
know the difference betwixta Man of one and twenty,and oneof forty." 

i^or. Nine— to my knowledge ; but if (he be filly, (he'l expedt 

a^ much, fyom a man of forty nine, as from him of one and twenty ^ But 
methinks wit is more ne;ge(rary than beauty,and I think no young Woman 
ugly that has it, and no handfome woman, agreeable withoul it. 

Tin. 'Tis my maxim, he's a Fool that marry s, but he's a greater that 
does not marry a Fool ; what is wit in a Wife good for, but to make a 
man a Cuckold? 

i^or. Yes, to keep it from his knowledge. , - .^ l^ ';, . - - 

P?>?. A Fool cannot contrive to make her husbarid a Cuekold! "^ 
y'Hor. No, but (he'l club with a Man that can ; and what is worfs, if 
{he cannot make her Husband a Cuckold, (he'l make him jealous, and 
pafs for one, and then 'tis all one. 

Fin. Well, well, I'll take care for one, ray Wife iliall make me no 
Cuckold, though (he had your help Mr. Homer \ I underftand the Town 

Sir. - ,-,; ^;-.^.. . -.. .:.■ 

Dar. His help'/ ^^yTf.,.^j,^^ ^t? .. .. - - y^},.,.p't'-^ ^„"/l,^ [" ^^. 

Har. He's come newly to Town it feems, and has not he^rd how things 
are with him. -. f^ MJide. 

Hor. But tell me, has marriage cur'd thee of whoring, which it fel- 
domdoes.- .': .,,,^ ,.'■ ;./■_,./,, ;'^ ^ : 

i^r. 'Tis more than age can do. VV.' ^.,^ ;>»■-"."•' ' 

iJor. No, the word is, I'll marry and live honeH.j/ but a Marriage , 
Vow is like a penitent Gamefters Oath, and entring into Bonds, and Pe- 
nalties to ftint himfelf to fuch a particular fmallfuni at play for the future, 
which makes him but the more eager, and not being able to hold out, lo- 
fes his Money again, and his forfeit to boot. 

C , . Dor, 

io The Comtrj/'-mfe, 

Dor. Ay, ay, a Gamefter will be a Gameftef, whilft his Mofley lafts • 
and a Whoiremaftcr, whilft his vigour. ^ ■ ^ 

Bar, Nay, 1 have known 'em, when they arc broke and can lofc no 
more, keep a fumbling with the Box in their hands to fool with only, 
and hinder other Gameftcrs. 

Dor. That had wherewithal to make lufty flakes. 

Pin. Well, Gentlemen, you may laugh at me, but you fhall never lye 
with my Wife, 1 know the Town. 

Hor. But prethee, was not the way you were in better, is not keeping 
better than Marriage ? 

Pin. A Pox on't, the Jades Wou'd jilt me, I couM never keep a Whore 
to my felf. 

Hor. So then you only marry'd to keep a Whore to your felf ^ well, 
but let itie tell yOu, Women* as ybu fay, are like Souldiers, made con- 
ftant and loyal by good pay rather than by Oaths and Covenants, there* 
f6re rd advife hiy Friends to keep rather than marry $ fince too I find by 
your example, it does not ferve ones turn, for I faw you yefterday in the 
eighteen penny place with a pretty Country-wench. 

Pin. How the Devil, did he fee my Wife then ? I fate there that (he 
might not be feen •, but fhe (hall never go to a Play again. [; Afide. 

Hor. What doit thoublufli at nine and forty, for having been fee* 
Ivith a Wench ? 

Dor. No Faith, I warrant 'twas his Wife, which he feated there (M, 
5f fight, for he's a cunning Rogue, and underftands the Town. 

Har. He blufhes, then twas his Wife ^ for Men are now more aflia- 
fiiied to be feen with them in publick, than with a Wench. 

Pin. Hell and damnation, I'm undone, fince Homer has feen her, and 
they know 'twas fhe. 

Hor. But prethee, was it thy Wife ? fhe was exceedingly pretty ; I 
was in love with her at that dillance. 

Pin. Vou are like never to be nearer to her. Your Servant Gentle- 
men. [| Offers tO£Oo 

Hor. Nay, prethee ftay. 

Pin. I cannot, I will not. 

~:Hor. Come you Ihali dine with US. 

Pin, I have din'd already. 

Hor. Come, I know thou hall not y I'll treat thee dear llogue, thoa 
flia't fpend none of thy Hamfjhire Money to day. 

Pin. Treat me ; fo he ufes me already like his Cuckold. [ Jfide. 

Hor. Nay, you Ihall not go. 

Pin. I mull, I have bufinefs at home. [] Exit Pinch wife. 

Har. To beat his Wife, he's as jealous of her, as zCheapJide Husband 
of a Covent-garAen Wife. 

Hor. Why, 'tis as hard to find an old whoremafler without jealotifie 
and the Gout, as a young one without fear or the Pox. 

As Gout in Age, from Pox in Youth proceeds ; 

So Wenching pad, then jealoufy fucceeds: 

The worft difeafe that Love and Wenching breeds, ACT. 

- The Country-Wife, ii 



/4rj. Margery Piach wife, ^^^Alithea: il/r. Pinchwife feeding 
behind at the door, 

Mn. Vin, 13^37, Sifter, where are the beft Fields and Woods, to 
i walk in in London? 
Alh. A pretty Queftion : why Sifter ! Mnlherry Garden^ and St. '^amesh 
Park'-, and for clofe walks, the New Exchange. 

Mrs. Fin, Pray, Sifter, tell me why my Husband looks fo grum here 
in Town ? and keeps me up fo clofe, and will not let me go a walking, 
nor let me wear my bsft Gown yefterday ? ^ . - - 
./^f^. O he's jealous Sifter. r^f^: r^^sl^rr-:^; I ^^^i. 

^■j. P^». Jealous, what's that ? ^ f sib m 

jilith. He's afraid you Ihould love another Man. - •> 

Mrs, Tin. how Ihou'd he be afraid of my loving another man, ifvhen 
he will not let me fee any but himfelf. ' ' • ■''■ - ' , '^ -l^'^-' 

Alith. Did he not carry you ycfterday to a'Play ? : - '^ " - '^f^-^- 
Mrs. Pin, Ay but we fate amongft ugly People, he wou'd not let me 
come near the Gentry, who fate under us, fo that I couM not fee 'em i 
He told me none but naughty Women fate there, ^hom they tousM and 
mousM 5 but I wou'd have venturM i6x all that.- ^^ ^^ rV?/- . v.- .^-^ ^ 

Alith. But how did you like the le>lay f -' '^' ' ^'' ■ ' ' 

Mrs. Fin. Indeed I was weary of the Play, but I likM hugeonfly the 
Adtors ^ they are the goodlyeft proper'ft Men, Sifter. 
Alith. O but you muft not like the Aftors, Sifter. 
Mrs. Fin. Ay, how fnou'd I help it. Sifter? Pray, Sifter, when my 
Husband comes in, will you ask leave for me to go a walking ? 

Alith. A walking, hah, hay Lord, a Country Gentlewomans pleafure 
is the drugery of a foot-poft y and (he requires as much airing as her 
Husbands Horfes. ZA/ide. 

Bnter Mr. Pinchwifc to them. 
But here comes your Husband ^ I'll ask, though Prnfu re he'l not grant 
it. ■'■' \ . '/.'-" 

Mrs. Fin. He fays he won't let me go abroafl, . for f^ar of catthing^the 
Pox. : ■ "■'■ ;-'/,- ' ^' ''■'. '"r ''^' '■■" '^^ ly^'i^^i ^^■■- 

Alith. Fye, thefmallpoxyou fliouMfay. - i : ■ .' 

Mrs. Fin, Oh my dear, dear Bud, welcome home j why doft thou look 
fbfropifh, who has nanger'd thee ? 

Mr. Fin. You're a Fool* -^Mrs.Vmch.goe^afde^&tryes, 

Alith. Faith fo ftie is, for crying for no fault, poor tenderCreature ' ' 
Mr. Pin. What youwou'dhave her as impudent asyourfdf, as er- 
rant a jilflirtj a gadder, a Magpy, and to fay all, a xoeer notorious Town- 
Woman ? 
AUt, Brother, pu are- my only Cenfurer •, and the honour of y<3uv 

C 3 Family 

12 The Country-Wife, 

Family fiiali fooner fuffer in your Wife there, than in me, though I take 
the innocent liberty of the Town. — 

Mr. Tin, Hark you Miftrifs, do not talk fo before my Wife, the in- 
nocent liberty of the Town ! 

AUth. Why, pray, who boafls of any Intrigue with me ? what Lam- - 
poon has made my name notorious ? what ill Women frequent my Lodg- 
ings ? 1 keep no Company with any Women of fcandalous reputations, 
, M', Pin. No, you keep the men of fcandalous reputatioris Company. 
AUth. Where ? wou'd you not have me civil ? anfwer 'em in a Box 
at the Plays ? in the drawing room at Whitehall} in St. Jameses Park ? 

Mulberry-garden : ox- 

. Mr^<Pin. Hold, |ioidy do not teach my Wife, where the men are to 
be fpunjl ? I believe fhe's the wprfe for your Town documents already ? 
t bid you keep her in ignorance as 1 do. 

Mrs. Pin. Indeed be not angry with her.Bud, Ihe will tell me nothing 
•f the Town, though I ask her a thoufand times a day. ^ 

Mr. Pin. Then you are very iriquifitive to know, I find ? 
Mrs. Pin. Not I indeed. Dear, I hate London :, our Place-houfe in the 
Country is worth a thoufand of't, wouM I were there again. 

Mr. Pin. So you fliaU I warrant; but were you not talking of Plays, 
and Players, when I came in P you are her encourager in fuch difcourfes. 
Mrs. Pin. No indeed. Dear, fhe chid me juft now tor liking th&l^layer 

Mr. Pin. Nay, if fhe be fo innocerit as to own to me.her liking them, 

there isnohur'cin't iL^fi'^^- 

Come my poor Rogue, but thou lik'fl none better then me f 
Mrs. Pin. Yes indeed but I do, the Player men are finer Folks. 
Mr. Pin. But you love none better then me ^ 
Mrs...Pin, :^QVi2iXQ my own Pe^r Bud, and I know you, I hate a 
Stranger r.;;;:a;;ws o" ...; rdi -d tnloi :: ■, ---^ -r-; r'- '-^'-^^ '^■■ 
, Mr, , Pin.h^ any.pear, you muft love me only, and^aoi: be like, the 
naughty Town-Wpmep, who only hate their Husbands, and love every 
manelfe, love Plays, Vifits, fine Coaches, fine Cloaths, Fidles, Balls, 
Treates, and fo lead a wicked Town4ife. 
Mrs.. Pin. Ndy, if to injoy all thefe things be a Town-life, London is 
' not To bad a place. Dear. 

;-^r,P/«. How-' ifyoulove-jiie, youmuft hateXW . 
Alt. The Fool has forbid me difcovering to her the pleafures of the. 
Town, and he is now fetting her agog upon them himfelf. 

Mrs. Pin. But, Husband, do the Town-women love the Player men 
too-^ ,1 b*i3gfi^i ?fifio; 

.; Mr. Pin, Yes, |I warrant you. ^ /:'■:-'; 

\JMrs. Pin. Ay, I warrant you. 
, Mr. Pin. Why, you do not,! hope.'' • . 

Mrs. Pin, No, no. Bud j but why have we no Player-meii in the Coun- 

Mr, Pin, Ha— Mrs, Minx, ask me no more to go to a Play. 

Mrs. Pin, 

The Gountry-Wife. 13 

Mrs: Pin.: Nay^ why. Love ? I did not care for going ^ but when you 
forbid me, you make aie as 'fcwere defire it. 

Jiitk So 'cwiD.bein o'her things, I warrant. {^Jfide, 

M'f. Pin. Pray, let nie go to a Play, Dear. 

ylir. P/«. Hold you peace, I wo' not. 
^ Mrs. Pin: Why, Love ? 

A/r. P?«.- Why, Pie tdi you. 

jiUth. Nay, if lie tell her, flie'l give him more caufe to forbid her that 
place. [^Aftde. 

Mrs, Pin. Pray, why. Dear? 

Jl^, Pin. Firft, you like the Adors, and the Gallants may like you. 

Mrs, Pin, What, a homely Country Girl ? no Bud, no body will 
like me. , 

Mr. Pin. I tell you, yes, they may. 

Mrs.Vm. No, no, you jeit— I won't believe yon, I will go. , 

Mr. Pin. l tell you then, that one of the'lewdeft Fellows in Town, 
who faw you there, told me he was in love with you. 

Mrs. Pin, Indeed! who, who, pray who was'c ? 

Mr. Pin. I've gone too far, and llipt before I was aware -, how over- 
joy'dfhe is! ^ {_Afidc. 

Mrs, Pin. Was it any Hampflnre Gallant, any of our Neighbours /* I 
promife you, I am beholding to him. 

Mr. Pin'. I promife you, you lye ^ for he wouM but ruin you, as he 
has done hundreds: he has no other love for Women, but that, fuch 
as he look upon Women like Bafilisks, but to deftroy 'efn. 

Mrs. Pin. Ay, but if he loves me, why fhould he ruin me ? anfwer me 
to that : methinks he (hou'd not, I wou'd do him no harm. 

Alith. Hah, ha, ha. 

Mr. Pin. 'Tis very well ;, but I'll keep him from doing you any harm, 
or me either. , 

Enter S^'?iX'k\^ dnd H^rcomt. 
But here cdmeS'.Company, getyouin, getyouin. 

Mrs, Pin, But pray, Husband, is he a pretty Gentleman, tliat loves 

Mr. Pin. In, baggage, in. {^rhrnfts her in.^ Jhuts the door. 

What all the lewd Libertines of the Town brought to my Lodging, by 
this ealie Coxcomb ! S'death I'll not fufFer it. 

Sfar. Here Harcomt^ do you approve my choice ? Dear, little Rogue, 
I told you I'd bring you acquainted with all my Friends, the wits and— 

QHarcourt falutes her. 

Mr. Pin. Ay, they fhall know her, as well as you your felf will, 1 
warrant you. 

Spar. This is one of thofe, my pretty Rogue, that are to dance at 
your Wedding to morrow ^ and him you muft bid welcome ever, to 
what you and I have. 

Mr. Pm. "Monftrous !— — {_Afide. 

■ Spar, Har court how doft thou like her. Faith ? Nay, Dear, do not 


14. The Country Wife; 

look down ; 1 (hould hate to have a Wife of Biineout of couoitenaiKC at 

any thing. 

Mr. Tin. Wonderful ! 

Sfar. Tell me, I fay, Harcourt^ hoW doft thou like her? thou hafl 
flar'd upon her enough, to refolve me. 

Har, So infinitely well , that I cou'd wifh I had a Miftrefs too-, that 
might differ from her in nothing, but her love and engagement to you. 

Alith. Sir, M^fter Sparkjfl) has often told me^ that his Acquaintance 
were all Wits and Railleufs, and now I find it. 

Spar. No, by the Untverfe, Madam, he does not railly now ; you may 
believe him: 1 do allure you, he is the honefteft, worthyeft, true hear- 
ted Gentleman- — A man of fuch perfed honour, he wou'dfay nothing 
tea Lady, he does not mean. 

A^fr. Fin. Praifing another Man to his Miftrefs ! 

Har^ Sir, you are fo beyond expedation obliging, that 

Spar. Nay, I gad, I am fure you do admire her extreamly, I fee't in 
your Eyes. — He does admire you Madam.- — By the World, don't you ? 

Bar. Yes, above the World, or, the moft Glorious part of it, her 
whole Sex -, and till now I never thought 1 (hou'd have envied you, or a- 
!iy Man about to marry, but you have the beft excufe for Marriage I 
ever knew. 

Jlith. Nay, now, Sir, I'm fatisfied you are of the Society of the Wits^ 
and Raillieurs, iince you cannot fpare your Friend, even whence is but 
too civil to you ; but the fureft lign is, ITnce you are an Enemy to Marri- 
' age, for that I hear you hate as much as bufinefs or bad Wine. 

Bar. Truly, Madam, I was never an Enemy to Marriage, till now, 
becaufe Marriage was never an Enemy tome before. 

yilith. But why Sir, is Marriage an Enemy to you now ? Becaufe it 
robs you of your Friend here ^ for you look upon a Friend married, as 
one gone into a Monaftery, that is dead to the World. 

Bar. 'Tis indeed, becaufe you marry him j I fee Madam, you can 
guefs my meaning : I do confefs heartily and openly, I wifh it were in 
my power to break the Match, by Heavens 1 wou'd. 

Spar. Poor FranchJ 

^lith. Wou'd you be lb unkind to me ? 

Bar. No, no, 'tis not becaufe 1 wou'd be unkind to you. 

Spar. Voov Franckjf no gad, 'cis only his kindnefs tome. 

Fin. Great kindnefs to you indeed j infenfible Fop, let a Man make 
iove to 'his Wife to his face. C-^/t^* 

Spar. Come dear Franckjy for all my Wife there that fhall be, thou 
ihalt enjoy me fometimes dear Rogue j by my honour, we Men of wit 
condole for our deceafed Brother in Marriage, as much as for one dead 
in earneft •• I think that was prettily faid of me, ha Bar^onrt f -r^-BuC 
come Franck^y be not melancholy for me. 

Bar. No I alTure you, I am not melancholy for you. 

Spar. Prethee, Framk^.^ doltthinfeiny Wife that (hall be there a fine 
Perfon ? >3fi f.lsi . 


'' The Comtry-Wije: i^ 

mr. I couM gaze upon her, till I became as blind as you are. :- 

Spar, How, as I am / how •' 

Har, Becaufe you are a Lover, and true Lovers are blind, ftock« 

Sfar. True, true •, but by the World (he has wit too, as w^ll as beau- 
ty : go, go with her into a corner, and try if (he has wit, talk to her 
anything, (he's bafhful before me. 

Hmt. Indeed if a Woman wants wit in a corner, (be has it no where. 

AUth. Sir, you difpofe of me a little before your time. 

[_ Afide to Sparkifh. 

Spar. Nay, nay. Madam let me have an earneft of your obedience , 
or- go, go. Madam — — - t\^zxQomx. courts 

"^Alithea apde. 

Tin. How, Sir, ifyouare not concer n'd for the honour of a Wife, L 
am for that of aSiiter \ he (hall not debauch her : be a Pander to your own 
Wife, bring Men to her, let 'em make love before your Face, thruft 'em 
into a corner together , then leave 'em in private ! is this your Town 
wit and condud? 

Spar. Hah, ha, ha, a filly wife Rogue, wou'd make one laugh more 
then a ftark Fool, ha, ha : I (hall burll. Nay you (hall not difturb 'em j 
I'll vex thee, by the World. f Struggles with V'mch. to k^ef. 

\ him from Hare. a»d Alith. 

Mth. The Writings are drawn, Sir, Settlements made j 'cis too late^,. 
Sir, and pa(t all revocation. 

Har. Then fo is my death. 

Alith. I wou'd not be unjuft to him. 

Har. Then why to me fo ? 

Alith, I have no obligation to you. 

Bar. My love. ~ ^ " ^ 

Alith. I had his before. 

Har. You never had it \ he wants you fee jealoufie, the only infaiilble 

Alith. Love proceeds from elleem ; he cannot diflrult my virtue, 
befides he loves me, or he wou'd not marry me. 

Har. Marrying you, is no more (ign of his love, then bribing your 
Woman that he may marry you, is a (ign of his gcnero(ity : Marriage 
is rather a fign of interelt, then love ; and he that marries a fortune , 
covets a Miltrefs, not loves her : But if you take Marriage for a (ign of 
love, take it from me immediately. 

Alith, No, now you have put a fcruple in my head 5. but in (hort, Sir^ 
to end our difpute, I mull marry him, ray reputation wou'd fufFer in the. 

Har, No \ if you do marry him , with your pardon, Madam, your re- 
putation fufFers in the World, and you wou'd be thought in necellity for. 
a Cloak. 

Alith. Nay, now you are rude. Sir.— Mr. Sparkip}^ pray come hither^ 
your Friend here is very trottblefoni^ and very lovjirg . 

' ' '" -" ". ■. - ■ : "^ . ^ - Man 

ig The Country-Wife* 

^ Har. Hold, hold,— ~ ^^fide to AXit\\t2i. 

Mr. Tin. D'ye hear that ? 

Sfar. Why, d'ye think I'll feem to be jealous, like a Country Bump- 
kin ? 

Mr.Pif?. No, rather be a Cuckold, like a credulous Cit. 

Har. Madam, you wou'd not have been fo little generous as to have 
told him. 

^lith. Yes, (ince you cou'd be lb little generous, as to wrong him. 

Har. Wrong him, no Man can do't, he's beenath an injury •, a Bubble, 
a Coward, a fenfiefs Idiot, a Wretch, fo contemptible to all the World 
biit you, that • 

Jlith. Hold, do not rail at him^for fince he is like to be my Husband, 
I am refoly'd to like him : Nay, 1 think I amoblig'd to tell him, you are 
not his Friend.- — Matter 5/?^r^yjj, Mafter Sp^j'^J^. 

Spar. What, what ^ now dear Rogue, has notihe wit ? 

Hor. Not fo much as I thought, and hoped the had. 


Alith. Mr. Sparki(lj^ do you bring People to rail at you ? 

Har. Madam ■ 

Spar. How! noj but if he does rail at me, 'tis but? in jell I warrant j 
what we wits do for one another, and never take any notice of it. : 

u4lith. He fpoke fo fcurriloufly of you, 1 had no patience to hear him ; 
befides he has been making love to me. 

/:/k^. True damn'd tell-tale- Woman. .„ l_Afide. 

Spar, Pfliaw,to (hew his parts— we wits rail and make love often, 

but to fhew our parts •, as we have no affei^ions, fo we have no malice, 

jilith. He faid you were a Wretch, below an injury. 

Spar. Pfhaw. 

Bar. Damn'd fenflefs, impudent, virtuous Jade •, well fince (he won'-t 
kt me have her, Ihe'l do as good, Ikri make me hate her. 

Alith. A cominon Bubble. 

Spar, pfhaw. 

u4lith. A Coward. ' ■ 

Spar, pfhaw, Pfhaw. 

Mith. A fenflefs driveling Idiot. 

Spar. How, did he difparrage my parts.'' Nay, then my honour's con- 
cern'd, I can't put up that^ Sir xj by the World, Brother help me to kill 
him •, [I may draw now, fince we have the odds of him : — 'tis a goodoc- 

cafion too before my Miftr^fO L-^fide. 

£ Offers to dram, 
.Mth. Hold, hold. 
, I Spar. What, what. 

u4lltk I muft not let 'em kill the Gentleman neither, for his kindnefs 
to me ^ I amfo far from hating him, that I wilh my Gallant had his per- 

fon and underftanding :— ~^^ 

CNay if my-hoaoj^r— — • • \iAfide. 

• ' ^- ' . Spar, 

The Country -Wife, 17 

spar, I'll be thy death. 

j^ltth. Hold, hold, indeed to tell the truth, the Gentleman faid after 
all, that what he fpoke, was but out of friendfhip to you. 

Spar. How!fay, 1 am, I am,a Fool,that b no wit,out of friendfhip to me/ 

Jilith. Yes, to try whether I was concern'd enough for you, and made 
love to me only to be fatisfy'd of my virtue, for your fake. 

Jrfar. Kind however [_Afide. 

Spar. Nay, if it were fo, my dear Rogue, I ask thee pardon j but why 
wouM not you tell me fo, faith. 

Har. Becaufe 1 did not think on't, faith. 

Spar. Come, Horner does not come, Harconrt let's be gone to the new 
Play. Come, Madam. 

Uiith. I will not go, if you intend to leave me alone in the Box, and 
run into the pit, srs youufe to do. 

Spar. Pfhaw^ I'll ic^YQ Harcourt with you in the Box, to entertain you 
and that's as good ^ if I fate in the Box, 1 fhou'd be thought no Judge^ 
but of 1 rimmings. — Come away Harconrt, lead her down. 

|^£^e/^;7t Sparkifh, Harcourt, ^»<s^Alithea. 

Fin. Well,go thy wayes, for the flower of the true Town Fops, fuch as 
fpend their Eftates before they come to 'em, and are Cuckolds before 

they're married. But let me go look to my own Free-hold — How — 

Enter my Lady Fidget, Miftrifs Dainty Fidget, and Aiifirifs Squeamiih. 

Lad. Your Servant, Sir, where is your Lady ? ws are come to wait 
upon her to the new Hay. 

Tin. New Play ! 

iW. And my Husband will wait upon you prefently. 

Fin. Damn your civility — 
Madam, by no means,! will not fee Sir Jafper here, till I have waited upon 
him at home ; nor fliall my Wife fee you, till flie has waited upon your 
Ladyfhip at your lodgings. 

Lad. Now we are here, Sir — 

Tin. No, Madam. - 

Dain. Prav, let us fee her. 

ScjHeam. We will rot ftir, till we fee her. 

Tin. A Pox on you all- Afide, C* Goes to the door^ 

Ihe has lock'd the door, and is gone abroad. \ and returns. 

Lad. No, you have lock'd the door, and fhe's within. 

Dain. They told us below, Ihe was here. 

Tin. [Will nothing do.? j W^ell it mufl: out then, to tell 

you the truth, Ladies, which I wasafraid co let you know before, left 
it might endanger your lives, my W^ife has juft now the Small Pox come 
out upon htrjdo notbefrighten'd •, butpray, begone Ladies, you ih^ll 
not ftay here in danger of your lives j pray get you gone. Ladies. . 

Lad. No, no, we have all had 'em. 

Sqiteam. Alack, alack! 

Dam, Come, ; come, we mufl: fee how it goes with her, I underftand 
thedifeafe. - . . . - - 

Lad. Come. D Tin, 

1 3 The Country-Wife. 

Fin. V" "J, there is no being too hard for Women at their own wea- 
pon, Lyin^, therefore I'll quit the Field. > Q Afuie. [Exit Pinehwife. 

Squearn. Here's an example of jealoufy. 

Lad. Indeed as the World goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, 
fince Wives are fo Negleded. 

Dain. Pfhaw, as the World goes, to what end (hou'd they be jealous f 

Lad. Foh, 'tis a nafty World. 

Squearn. That Men of parts, great acquaintance, and quality, Ihou'd 
take up with, and fpend themfelves and fortunes, in keeping little Play- 
hpufe Creatures, foh. 

Lad. Nay, that Women of underftanding, great acquaintance, and 
good quality, fliou'd fall a keeping too of little Creatures, foh. 

Squeam. Why, 'tis the Men of qualities fault, they never vifit Wo- 
men of honour, and reputation, as they us'dtodo-, and have not fo 
much as common civility for Ladies of our rank, but ufe us with the 
fame indifferency, and ill breeding, as if we were all marry'd to 'em. 

Lad. She fays true, 'tis an errant (hame Women of quality fhou'd 
be fo flighted j methinks, birth, birth, Ihou'd go for fomething ; I have 
known men admired, courted, and followed for their titles only. 

Sqneam, Ay, one wou'd think Men of honour fhou'd not love no more, 
than marry out of their own rank. 

Dain. Eye, fye upon 'em, they are come to think crofs breeding for 
themfelves beft, as well as for their Dogs and Horfes. 

Lad. They are Dogs and Horfes for't. 

Squeam. One wou'd think if not for love, for vanity a little. 

Dain. Nay, they do fatisfy their vanity uponusfometimesj and are 
kind to us in their report, tell all the World they lye with us. 

Lad. Damn'd Rafcals, that we fliou'd be only wrong'd by 'em ^ to 
report a Man has had a Perfon, when he has not had a Perfon, is the 
greatefl: wrong in the whole World, that can be done to a perfon. 

Squeam. Well , 'tis an errant fliame. Noble Perfons fliou'd be fo 
wrong'd, and neglefted. 

Lad. But ftifl 'tis an erranter fliame for a Noble perfon, to negled 
her own honour, and defame her own Noble Perfon, with little incon- 
fiderable Fellows, foh ! 

Dain. I fuppofe the crime againft our honour, is the fame with a 
Man of quality as with another. 

Lad. How ! no fure the Man of quality is likefl: one's Husband j and 
therefore the fault fliou'd be the lefs. 

Dain. But then the pleafure fliou'd be the lefs. 

Lad. Fye, fye, fye, for fliame Sifl:er, whither fliall we ramble be. ^cort- 
iinent in your difcourfe, or I fliall hate you. 

Dain. Befides an intrigue is fo much the more notorious for the mans 

Squeam. 'Tis true, no body takes notice of a private Man, andthere^ 

fore with hitn,'tis more fecret,& the crime's the lefs, when 'tis not known. 

Lad. You fay true } y faith, I think you are in the right on't>'lis not an 

^ injury 

The Country 'Wife, ip 

injury to a Husband,till it be an injury to our honours ; fo that a Woman 
of lionour lofes no honour with a private Perfon j and to fay truth 

Dain. So the little Fellow is grown a private perfon-*with her — 

[; J^art to Squeamilh. 

L(id. But ftill my dear, dear Honour. 

£»fer 5?> Jafper, Horner, Dorilant. 

Sr. Jaf. Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou haft ftill fo much honour 
in thy mouth' 

Bor. That fhe has none elfewhere — ^ Jfide, 

Lad. Oh, what d'ye mean to bring in thefe upon us ^ 

Dam. Foh, thefe are as bad as Wits. 

Squeam, Foh ! 

Lad. Let us leave the Room. 

Sr. Jaf. Stay, ftay, faith to tell you the naked truth. 

Lad. Fye, Sir Jaffer.^ do not ufe that word naked. 

Sr. Jaf. Well, well, in ftiort 1 have bufinefs at Whitehall^ and cannoE 
go to the Play with you, therefore wouM have you go- 

Lad. With thofe two to a Play f 

Sr. Jaf. No, not with t'other, but with Mr. Horner^ there can be no 
morefcandal to go with him, than with Mr. Tattk^ or Mafter Lmberham, 

Lad. With that nafty Fellow I no — —no. 

Sr. Jaf. Nay prethee Dear, hear me. C Whif^ers to Lady Fid. 

Hor. Ladies. X Horner, Dorilant fifj'^^n?/^^ »f^rSquea- 

Bain. Stand off. \ milh and Daint. 

SqHcam. Do not approach us. 

Dain. You herd with the wits, you are obfcenity all over. 

Squeam. And I wou'd as foon look upon a Pidure oi Adam and E've.^ 
without fig leaves, as any of you, if 1 cou'd help it, therefore keep off^ 
and do not make us lick. 

Dor. What a Devil are thefe .? 

Hor. Why thefe are pretenders to honour, as Criticks to wit, only 
by cenfuring others ; and as every raw, peevilh, out-of-humourd, affed- 
ed, dull. Tea-drinking, Arithmetical Fop fets up for a wit, by railing 
at men of fenfe, fo thefe for honour, by railing at the Court,and Ladies 
of as great honour, as quality. 

Sr. Jaf. Come, Mr. Horner^ I mult defire you to go with thefe La- 
dies to the Play, Sir. 

Hor. \ ! Sir. 

Sr. Jaf Ay, ay, come. Sir. 

Hor, Imuft beg your pardon , Sir, and theirs, I will not be feen in 
Womens Company in publick again for the World. 

i^r. J^/. Ha, ha, ftrange averfion ! 

Squeam. No, he's for Womens company in private. 

Sr. Jaf He poor Man -he ! hah, ha, ha. 

T>ain. 'Tis a greater Ihame amongft lewd fellows to be feen in virtu- 
ous Womens company, than for the Women to be feen with them. 

Hor, Indeed, Madam, the time was I only hated virtuous Women, 

Da -- - 1^^^ 

20 The Country 'Wife, 

but now I hate the other too •, I beg your pardon Ladies. 

Lad. You are very obliging. Sir, btcaufe we wouM not be troubled 
with you. 

Sr.Jaf. Infober fadnefs he (hall go. 

Dor. Nay, ifhewo'not, 1 am ready to wait upon the Ladies; and 
I think 1 am the fitter Man. 

Sr'.Jaf You, Sir, no I thank you for that Mafter Horntr is a 

Privikdg'd Man amongft the virtuous Ladies, 'twill be a great while be- 
fore you ave fo-, beh, be, he, he's my Wive's Gallant, hch,hc he \ do, 
pray withdraw. Sir, for as i take it, the virtuous Ladies, have nobufi- 
nefs with you, 

Dor. And I am furehe can have none with them : 'tis ftrange a Man 
can'c come amongft virtuous Women now, but upon the lame terms, as 
Men are admitted into the great Turks Seraglio ^ but Heavens keep me, 

from being an hombre Player with 'cm : but where is Pwchwife 

[£^?>. Dorilant, 
Sr. Jaf. Come, come, Man •, what avoid the fweet Ibciety of Woman- 
kind? ihatfweet, foft, gentle, tame, noble Creature Woman, made 

for Man's Companion 

Hor. So is that foft, gentle, tame and more noble Creature a Spaniel, 
and has all their tricks, can fawn, lye down, fufFer beating, and fawn 
the more •, barks at your Friends, when they come to fee you ; makes 
your bed hard, gives you Fleas, and the mange fometimes •* and all the 
difference is, the Spaniel's the more faithful Animal, and fawns but upon 
one Mailer. . - 

Sr.Jaf. Heh,he, he. 
Sqneam. O the rude Bealt. 
Vain. Infolent brute. 

Lad. Brute •' ftinking mortify'd rotten French Weather, to dare — 
Sr.Jaf. Hold, an'tpleafe your Lady (hi p^ for fhame Mafter Horner .^ 
your Mother was a Woman — |[Now (hall 1 never reconcile 'em] \_Afide» 
Hark you. Madam, take my advice in your anger ; you know you often 
want one to make up your droling pack of hombre players •, and you may 
cheat him eafily, for he's an ill Gamelter , and conftquently loves play \ 
Befides you know, you have but two old civil Gentlemen (with ftinking 
breaths too) to wait upon you abroad, take m the third, into your fer- 
vice j the other are but cra2y : and a Lady (hou'd have a fn pernumerary 
Gentleman-U(her, as a fupernumerary Coach- horfc, left fometimes you 
Ihou'd be forc'd to ftay at home. 

Lad. But are you fure he loves play, and has money ? 

Sr. Jaf. He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as L 

Lad. Then I am contented to make him pay for his fcurrillity \ money 

makes up in a meafure ail other wants in Men— Thofe whom we cannot 

make hold for Gallants, we make fine. [^Jfide. 

5r. 5^-^/. So, fo ^ now to molify, to wheedle him — L^fide. 

Mafter Horner will you never keep civil Company, methinks 'ds time now, 

foice you are only fit for them ^ Come, come, Man you maft e'en fall to 


The Country-Wife. 2i 

viftting our Wives, eating at our Tables, drinking Tea with our vir- 
tuous Rtlaiions after dinner, dealing Cards to 'em, reading Plays and 
Gaztfts -0 'em, picking Fleas out of th-ir Shocks for 'em, colleding Re- 
ceipts, New Songs, Women, Pages, and Footmen for 'em. 

Hor, i hope they'l afford me better Employment, Sir. 

Sr. Jaf. Heh, he, he, 'tis fit you know your work before you come in- 
to your ptact j and lince you are unprovided of a Lady to flatter, and a 
good h jufe to eat an, pray frequent mine, and call my Wife Miitrefs,and 
fhe ihail call you Gallant, according to the cuilom. ^ 

Hor. Whof.^^ 

Sr. Jaf. Faith, thou fha't for my fake, come for my fake only. 

Hor. For your fake 

Sr. Jaf. Gome, come, here's a Garaefter for you. It him be a little 
familiar fometiraes ^ nay, what if a little rude j Gam^ilers may be rude 
with Ladies, you know. 

Lad. Yes, lofingGameftershave a priviledge wiih Wcmen. 

Hor. I always thought the contrary, thatthe winning Gamelfer had 
moft priviledg with Women, for when you have loft your ni iney to a 
Man, you'l lofe any thing you have,all you have they fay, and he may ais 
you as he pleafes. 

Sr.Jaf Heh, he, he, well, win or lofe you fhall have your liberty with 

Lad. As he behaves himfelf ^ and for your fake I'O give him admits 
tance and freedom. - 

Hor. All forts of freedom. Madam .** 

Str Jaf. Ay, ay, ay, all forts of freedom thou can'ft take, and fo go 
to her, begin thy new imployment ^ wheedle her, jeft with her, and uq 
better acquainted one with another. 

Hor. I think 1 know her already, therefore may venture with her, my 
fecret for hers — {^ A fide. 

f Horner, and Lady Fidget whtfper. 

Sr. Jaf Sifter Chz,) I have provided an innocent Play-fellow for you 

Dain. Who, he-' 

Squeam. There's a Play-fellow indeed, 

Sr.Jaf. Yes fure, what he is good enough to Play at Cards, Blind- 
mans buff, or the fool with fomecimes. 

Squeam. Foh, we'll have no futh Play fellows. 

Dain. No, Sir, you Ihan't choofe Play-fellows for us, we thank you. 

Sr. Jaf Nay, pray hear me. £ Whifpring to them. 

Lad. But, poor Gentleman, cou'dyoubefo generous.^ fo truly a 
Man of honour, as for the fakes of us Women of honour, to caufe 
your felf to be reported no Man ? No Man ! and to fufFcr your felf the 
greateft Ihame that cou'd fall upon a Man, that none might fall upon 
us Women by yonr converfation : but indeed. Sir, as perfe<5lly, per- 
fe^ftly the fame Manas before your going into France.^ Sir j as perfec^Uy, 
perfe(5tly, Sir. 


^^12 The Country-Wife: 

Hor. As perfedly, perfedly. Madam ^ nay, I fcorn you fhou'd take 
iny word^ I defire to be try'donly. Madam. 

I/^^. Well, that's fpoken again like a man of honour, all men of 
honour defire to come to the teft : But indeed, generally you men re- 
port fuch things of your felves, one does not know how, or whom to 
believe •, and it is come to that pafs, we dare not take your words no 
more than your Taylors, without fome maid Servant of yours be bound 
with you ^ but I have fo ftrong a faith in your honour, dear, dear, noble 
Sir, that I'd forfeit mine for yours at any time, dear Sir. 

Hor. No, Madam, you fhou'd not need to for feit it for me, I have 
given you fecurity already to fave youharmlefs,my late reputation being 
lb well known in the World, Madam. 

Lady, But if upon any future falling out, or upon a fufpition of my 
taking the trull out of your hands, to employ feme other, you your felf 
fhould betray your truft, dear Sir ^ I mean, if you'l give me leave to 
fpeak obfcenely, you might tell, dear Sir. 

Hor. If I did,no body would believe me^the reputation of impotency is 
as hardly recover'd again in the World,as that of coward ife,de2r Madam, 

Lad. Nay then, as one may fay, you may do your worft, dear, dear. Sir. 

Sr. Jaf. Come, is your Ladyftlip reconciled to him yet ? have you 
agreed on matters .'' for I muft be gone to Whitehall. 

Lad. Why indeed. Sir y^yper. Mailer i/o»'«f r is a thoufand, thouland 
times a better Man, than I thought him : Cozen Sqneamijh^ Sifter Dainty^ \ 
can name him now, truly not long ago you know, I thought his very name 
obfecnity, and I wou'd asfoon have lain with him, as have nam'd him. 

Sr.Jaf. Very likely, poor Madam. 

Daitj. I believe it. 

Squeam. No doubt on't. 

Sr. Jaf, Well, well that your Ladylhrp is as virtuous as any file, 

—I know, and him all the Town knows— heh, he, he j therefore 

now you like him, get you gone to your bufinefs together • go, go, ^ 
to your bufinefs, I fay, pleafure, whilft I go to my plealure, bufinefs. 

Lad. Come then dear Gallant. 

Hor. Come away, my deareft Miftrefs. 

Sr. JaJ. So, fo, why, 'tis as I'd have it. {Exit Sir Jafper. 

Hor. And as I'd have it. 

Lad. Who for his bufinefs, from his Wife will run; 

Takes the, to have her bus'nefs done. {Exmnt omnes. 


Alithea, and Mrs. Pinchwife. 
Mith. Qlfter, what ails you, you are grown melancholy ? 

O Mrs. Fin. Wou'd it not make any one melancholy, to f«e 
you go every day fluttering about abroad, whilft I muft ftay at home like 
a poor lonely, fuUen Bird in a Cage ? 


The Country-Wife: 2^ 

Alith; Ay, Sifter, but you came young, and juft from the neft to your 
cage, fo that I thought you lik'd it 5 and cou'd be as chearful in't, as 0- 
thers that took their flight themfelves early, and are hopping abroad in 
the open Air. 

Mrs. Pin. Nay I confefs I was quiet enough, till my Husband told 
me, what pure lives the London Ladies live abroad, with their dancing, 
meetings, and junketings, and dreft every day in their beft Gowijs j and 
I warrant you, play at Nine-Pins every day of the week, fo they do. 

Enter Mr. Pinchwife. 

Mr. Tin. Come? what's here to do ? you are putting the Town plea- 
fores in her head, and fet her a longing. 

Alit. Yes, after Nine-pins ^ you fuffer none to give her thofe long- 
ings, you mean, but your felf. 

Mr, Pin. I tell her of th^ vanities of the Town, like a Confeflx)r. 
jiUth. A Confeflbr ! juft flich a Confeflbr, as he that by forbidding a 
Tilly Oaftler, to greafe the Horfes teeth, taught him to do't. 

Mr. Pin, Come Miftrifs Flifpant.^ good Precepts are loft, when bad 
Examples are ftill before us: the liberty you take abroad makes her 
hanker after it *, and out of humour at home, poor Wretch ! fhe de- 
lired not to come to London^ I wou'd bring her. 
Alith. Very well. 

Mr, Pin. She has been this week in Town, and never defired, till this 
afternoon to go abroad. 
jilith. Was fhe not at a Play yefterday ? 

Mr. Pin. Yes, but (he ne'er ask'd me ^ I was my felf the caufe of her 

Alith. Then if Ois ask you again, you are the caufe of her asking ^ 
and not my example. 

Mr. Pin. Well, to morrow night 1 fhall be rid of you ^ and the next 
day befo '■ 'tis light, fhe and I'll be rid of the Town, and my dreadful 
appreheniions : Come, be not melancholy, for thou (ha't go into the 
Country after to morrow, Deareft. 
Alith. Great comfort. 

Mrs, Pin. Pifh, what d^ye tell me of the Country for ? 
Mr. Pin. How's this ! what, pifli at the Country ? 
Mrs. Pin. Let me alone, I am not well. 

Mr. Pin. O, if that be all what ails my deareft ? 

Mrs. Pin. Truly /don't know ; but / have not been well, fmce yoit 
told me there was a Gallant at the Play in love with me. 

Mr. Pin. Ha 

Altth. That's by my example too. 

Mr. Pin. Nay, if you are not well, but are fo concerned, becaufc 
a lew'd fellow chanc'd to lye, and fay he, lik'd you, you'll make me fick 

. Mrs> 

24 ■ The Country "Wife* 

i'I<?rj. ?/». Of what ficknefs ? 

Mr. Pin. O, of that which is worfe than the Plague, Jealoufy. 

Mrs. Ptn^ Pifh, you jear, I'm fuie there's no fuch difeafe in our Re- 
ceipt-book at home. 

Mr. Pin No, thou never met'fl wich it, poor Innocent -well, 

if thou Cuckold me, 'twill be my own fault for Cuckolds and Ba- 

ftards, are generally makers of 'heir own foriune. Q j4Jide. 

Mrs Pin. Well, bat pray Bud, let's go to a Play to night. 

Mr. Pin. 'Tis juft done, (he comes from it ; but why are you fo eager 
to fee a Play ? 

Mrs. Pin. Fai^h Dear, not that I care one pin for their talk there; 
but I like to look upon the Plaver-men, and wou'd fee, if Icou'd, the 
Gallant you fay lov^s me -, that's all dear Bud, 

Mr. Pin. Is that all dear Bud ? 

Alith. This proce-ds from my Example ! 

Mrs. Pin. But if the Play be done, let's go abroad however, dear Bud. 

Mr. Pin. Come have a lictk patience, and thou Ihalt go into the Coun- 
try on Friday. 

Mrs. Pin. Therefore I wou'd fee firft: feme fights, to tell my Neigh- 
bours of. Nay, I will go abroad-, that's once. 

Alith. I'm thecaufe of thisdefirc too. 

Mr. Pin. But now I think o 'c, who who, was thecaufe o{ Horner"* s 
coming to my Lodging to day ? thac was you- 

Alith. No, you, bicaufc you wou'd not let him fee your handfome 
Wife out of your Lodging. 

Mrs. Pin. Why, O Lord I did the Gentleman come hitherto fee me 

Mr. Pin. No, no; You are not caufe of that damn'd queftion 

too, Miftrifs Alithm ? — [[Well (he's in the right of it \ he is in love with 
my Wife — ^-and comes her— 'tis {o — bat PU nip his love in the 
bud j left he fhou'd follow us into the Country, ana break his Chariot- 
wheel near our houfe, onpurpoiefor an cxcufc to come to't; but I think 
I know the Town. f Apde, 

Mrs. Pin. Come, pray Bud, let's go abroad before 'tis late j for i will 
go, that's flat and plain. 

Mr.Pm. So! the obftinacy already of the Town-wife, and I mufl:, 
whilft flie's here, humour her like one. f Afide. 

Sifter, how fhall we do, that (lie may not be feen, or known .'' 

Ahth. Lee her put on her Mask. 

■ Mr. Pin. Pfliaw, a Mask makes People but the more inquifitive, and is 
as ridiculous a difguife, as a ftage beard ^ her fliape, llature, habit will 
be known, and ifweOiou'd meet with Horner, he wou'd be fure to 
take acquaintance wit h us, mnft wifh her joy, kifs her, talk to her, leer 
upon her, and the Dtvil and all ; no, IMl not ufe her to a Mask, 'tis dan- 
gt:r( ui ^ for Ma!'.kv have made more Cuckolds, than the beft faces that 
ever were known. 

j^iith. How will you do then ? 

Mrs. Pin. 

The Country Wife. 25 

Mrs. Pin. Nay, (hall wc go ? the Exchange will be fliut, and I have 
a mind to fee that. 

Mr, Pin. So — I have it —I'll drefs her up in the Suit, we are to 

carry down to her Brother, little Sir fames ; nay, I underftand the 

Town tricks ; Come let's go drefs her 5 a Mask ! no- a Woman 

-mask'd, like a cover'd Dilh, gives a Man curiofity, and appetite, when, 
it may be, uncover'd, 'twould turn his ftomachj no, no. 

Alith. Indeed your comparifon is fomething a grcafie one: but I had a 

gentle Gallant us'd to fay, a Beauty mask'd, like the Sun in Eclipfe, 

gathers together more gazers, than if it fhin'd out. [[ Exeunt. 

The Scene changes to the New Exchange , Enter Horner, 

Harcourt, Dorilanc. 

Dor. Engag'd to Women, and not Sup with us .^ 

Hor. Ay, a Pox on 'em all. 

Har. You were much a more reafonable Man in the morning, and had 
as noble refolutions againft'em, as a Widdowerofa weeks liberty. 

Dor. Did I ever think, to fee you keep company with women in vain ? 

Hor. In vain 1 no ^'tis, fince I can't love 'em, to be reveng'd on 


Har. Now your Sting is gone, you look'd in the Box amongft all tbofe 
Women, like a drone in the hive, all upon you •, (hov'd and ill us'd by 
'em all, and thruft from one fide to t'other. 

Dor, Yet he muft be buzzing amongft 'em ftill, like other old beetle 
headed, iycorifli drones *, avoid 'em, and hate 'em as they hate you. 

Hor. Becaufe I do hate'em, and wou'd hate 'era yet more. Til fre- 
quent 'em i you may fee by Marriage, nothing makes a Man hate a 
\A/omanmore, than her conftant converfation : In (hort, I converfewith 
'em, as you do with rich Fools, to laugh at 'em, and ufe 'em ill. 

Dor. But I wou'd no more Sup with Women, unlefs I cou'd lye with 
'em, than Sup with a rich Coxcomb, unlefs I cou'd cheat him. 

Hor. Yes, I have known thee Sup with a Fool, for his drinking, i f 
hecQifd fee out your hand that way only, you were fatisfy'd j and if he 
were a Wine-fwallowing mouth 'twas enough. 

Har. Yes, a Man drinks often with a Fool, as he tofles with a M ar- 
ker, only to keep his hand in lire ; but do the Ladies drink ? 

Hor. Yes, Sir, and I fhall have the pleafure at leaft of laying 'em flat 
with a Bottle; and bring as much fcandal that way upon 'em, as for- 
merly t'other. 

Har. Perhaps you may prove as weak a Brother amongft 'em that 
way, as t'other. 

Dor, Foh, drinking with Women, is as unnatural, as fcolding with 
'em j bat 'tis a pleafure of decay'd Fornicators, and the bafeft way of 
quenching Love. 

i/^r. Niy, 'tis drowning Love, inftead of quenching it ^ but leave 
us for civil ^A^omen too ! 

Dor. Ay, when he can't bsthe better for 'em ^ we hardly pardon a 
Man, that kaves his Friend for a Wench, and that's a pretty lawful call. 

' E Hor. ~ 

26 The Country-Wife. 

Hor. Faith, I wou'd not leave you for 'em, if they wou'd not drink. 

Dor. Who wouM difappoint his Company at Lewis\ for a Goffiping.^ 

Hmr, Foh, Wine and Women good apart, together as naufeous as 
Sack and Sugar: But hark you. Sir, before you go, a little of your ad- 
vice, an old maim'd General, when unfit for adion, is fittefl: for Coun- 
fel \ I have other defigns upon Women, ^ than eating and drinking with 
them: I am in love with 5]>^r^]l)'s Miftrifs, whom he is to marry to 
morrow> now how fliall I get her ? 

£«r^r Sparkifli, loo]^ng about, 

Hor, Why, here comes one will help you to her. 

HdY. He ! he, I tell you, is my Rival, and will hinder my love. 

Hor, No, a foolilh Rival, and a jealous Husband afllfl: their Rivals 
defigns \ for they are fure to make their Women hate them, which is 
the firft ftepto tiieir love for another Man. 

Har, But I cannot come near his Miftrifs, but in his company. 

Hor, Still the better for you, for Fools are molt eafily cheated, when 
they themfelves are acceffaries j and he is to be bubled of his Miftrifs, as 
of his Money, the common Miftrifs, by keeping him company. 

Siar. Who is that, that is to be bubled ? Faith let me fnack, I han'fi 
met with a bubble fince Chriftmafs : gad \ I think bubles are like their 
Brother Woodcocks, go out with the cold weather. 

Hat, a Pox, he did not hear all I hope ? £j4part'to Horner. 

Spar. Come, you bubling Rogues you, where do we fup — Oh, Har- 
court^ my Miftrefs tells me, you have been making fierce love to her all 
the Play long, hah, ha — but I 

Har. 1 make love to her ? 

Sj>ar, Nay, I forgive thee ; for I think, I know thee, and 1 know her, 
but I am fure I know my felf. 

Har. Did Ihe tell you fo ? 1 fee all Women are like thefe of the Ex- 
change^ who to enhance the price of their commodities, report to their 
fond Cuftomers offers which were never made 'em. 

J^or. Ay, Women are apt to tell before the intrigue, as Men after 
it, and fo Ihew themfelves the vainer Sex : but haft thou a Miftrifs, 
Sfarkijh? 'tis as hard for me to believe it, as that thou ever hadft a buble 
as you brag'd juft now. 

Spar, O your Servant, Sir ^ are you at your raillery. Sir ? but we are 
fome of us beforehand with you to day at the Play : the Wits were fome- 
thing bold with you. Sir ^ did you not hear us laugh ? 

Bar, Yes, But I thought you had gone to Plays, to laugh at the Poets 
wit, not at your own. 

Spar. Your Servant, Sir, no I thank you ^ gad I go to a Play as to a 
Country. treat, I carry my own wine to one, and my own wit to t'other, 
or elfc I'm fure I fhou'd not be merry at either • and the reafon why 
we are fo often lowder than the Players, is, becaufe we think we fpeak 
more wit, and fo become the Poets Rivals in his audience : for to tell 
you the truth, we hate the fdly Rogues \ nay, fo much, that we find fault 
even with their Bawdy upon the Stage, whilft we talk nothing elfe in 
the Pit as lowd. Hor, 

The Country Wife, 27 

Hot. But, why fhould'It thou hate the filly Poets, thou haft too much 
wit to be one, and they like Whores are only hated by each other j and 
thou doll fcorn writing, I'm fure. 

Sfar. Yes, I'd have you to know, I fcorn writing ^ but Women, Wo- 
men, that make Men do all foolifh things, make 'em write Songs too ; 
every body does it : 'tis ev'n as common with Lovers, as playing with 
fans ^ and you can no more help Rhyming to your Phyllis, than drinking 
to your Phyllis. 

Har, Nay, Poetry in love is no more to be avoided, than jealoufy. 

Dor. But the Poets damn'd your Songs, did they ? 
' Spar. Damn the Poets, they turn'd 'em into Burlefque, as they call 
it i that Burlefque is a Hochs-Pocus trick, they have got, which by the 
virtue of Hi^ins doSlm^ topfey-tnrvey^ they make a wife and witty Man 
in the World, a Fool upon the Stage you know not how •, and 'tis there- 
fore I hate 'em too, for I know not but it may be my own cafe *, for 
they'l put a Man into a Play for looking a Squint : Their Predecelfors 
were contented to make Serving-men only their Stage-Fools, but thefe 
Rogues muft have Gentlemen, with a Pox to 'em, nay Knights ^ and 
indeed you fhall hardly fee a Fool upon the Stage, but he's a Knight -, 
and to tell you the truth, they have kept me thefe fix years from being a 
Knight in earneft, for fear of being Knighted in a Play, and dubb'd a 

Dor. Blame 'em not, they mull follow their Copy, the Age. 

Har. But why fhould'ft thou be afraid of being in a Play, who expofe 
your felf every day in the Play-houfes, and at publick Places .«' 

Nor. 'Tis but being on the Stage, infteadof ftanding on a Bench in 
the Pit. 

Dor. Don't you give money to Painters to draw you like ? and are 
you afraid of your Pidures, at length, in a Play-houfe, where all your 
Miftrefles may fee you. 

Spar. A Pox, Painters don't draw the Small Pox, or Pimples in ones 
face-, come damn all your filly Authors what-ever, all Books and Book- 
fellers, by the World, and all Readers, courteous or uncourteous. 

Har. But, who comes here, Sparkijli ? 

Enter Mr. Pinch wife, and his Wife in Mans Cloaths.^ 
Alithea., Lucy her Maid. 

Spar. Oh hide me, there's my Mi- C Sparkifli Wei him/elf 

ftrifs too. \ behind Harcourt. 

Har. She fees you. 

Spar. But I will not fee her, 'tis time to go to Whitehall.^ and I muft 
not fail the drawing Room. 

Har. Pray, firft carry me, and reconcile me to her. 
. Spar. Another time, faith the King will have fup*t. 

Har. Not v?ith the worfe ftomach for thy abfence ; thou art one of 
thofe Fools, that think their attendance at the King's Meals, asneceffa- 
ry as his Phyfitiansj when you are more troublefom to him, than his 
Doj^ors, or his Dogs, E 2 Spar, 

28 The Country-Wife. 

spar. Pfhaw, I know my intereft. Sir, prethee hide me. 

Hor. Your Servant, Pinchwife — what he knows us not 

Mr. Pin. Come along LTo his Wife afide. 

Mrs. Pin. Pray, have you any Ballads, give me fix-penny worth / 

CUfp. We have no Ballads. 

Mrs. Pin. Then give me C^vent-Garden Drollery ,and a Play or two 

Oh hcrc'sTarpigos Wiles, and the Slighted Maiden, Til have them. 

Mr. Pin. No, Playes are not for your reading j come a-long, will you 
difcover your felf .^ {_Apart tokr, 

Hor. Who is that pretty Youth with him, Sparkifh*' 

Spar. I believe his Wife's Brother, becaufe he's fomething like her, 
but i kver faw lier but once. 

Hor. Extreatnly handfom, I have feen a face like it too ^ let us fol- 
low 'em. 

{Exeunt Pinchwife, Mifirifs Pinchwife. 
Alichea, Lucy, Horner, Dorihur following them. 

Har. Come, Sparkijh., your Millrifs faw you, and will be angry you 
go not to her ; beiides 1 would fain be reconciled to her, which none bu6 
you can do, dear Friend. 

Spar. Well that's a better reafon, dear Friend, I wou'd not go near 
her now, for her's, or my own fake, but I can deny you nothing j for 
though I have known thee a great while, never go, if I do not love thee 
as well as a new acquaintance. 

Har. I am oblig'd to you indeed, dear Friend, I wou'd be well with 
her only, to be well with thee ftill •, for thefe tyes to Wives ufually 
diffolve all tyes to Friends : I wou'd be contented, Ihe fhou'd enjoy you 
a nights, but I wou'd have you to my felfa dayes, as I have had^ dear 

- Spar. And thou fhalt enjoy me a days, dear Friend, never ftir ; and 
I'll be divorced from her, fooner than from thee •, come along- 

Har. So, we are hard put to't, when we make our Rival our Pro- 
curer •, but neither (he,nor her Brother, wou'd let me come near her now? 
when all's done, a Rival is the belt cloak to Ileal to a Miftrefs under' 
without fufpicion ^ and when we have once got to her as we delire we 
throw him off like other Cloaks. £ ^fide. 

C Exit Sparkifh , and B^xcouxt following him. 
Re-enter Mr. Pinchwife, Mifirefs Pinchwife in 

Mr. Tin. Sifter, if you will not go, we muft4eave you 

The Fool her Gallant, and ihe, will mufter up all the young Sasterers 
of this place, and they will leave their dear SemftrefTes to follow us ♦ 
what a fwarm of Cuckolds, and Cuckold-makers are here } [_ jijide. 

Come let's be gone Miftrifs Margery. 

Mrs. Pin. Don't you believe that^ I han't half my belly full of fight* 
Mr, Pin, Then walk this way. 

Mrs, fin. 

The Country-Wife. 2^ 

. Mrs. Tin, Lord, what a power of brave Signs are here ! ftay 

the BuU's-head, the Rams- head, and the Stags- head. Dear 

Mr. Pin. Nzy, if every Husbands proper fign here were vifible> they 
wou'd be all alike. 

Mrs. Pin. What d'ye mean by that. Bud? 

Mr. Pin. 'Tis no matter no matter. Bud. 

Mrs. Pin. Pray tell me j nay, I will know. 

Mr. Pin. They wou'd be all Bulls, Stags, and Rams-heads. 

[_Exeunt Mr, Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife» 
Re-enter Sparkilh, Harcourt, Alithea, Lucy, 
at toother door. 

Spar. Come, dear Madam, for my fake you fhall be reconciled to him. 

Jilith. For your fake I hate him, 

Har. That's fomething too cruel, Madam, to hate me, for Im 

Spar. Ay indeed, Madam, too too cruel to me, to hate my Friend 
for my fake. 

uliith. I hate him becaufe he is your Enemy j and you ought to hate 
him too, for making love to me, if you love me. 

Spar. Thai's a good one^ lliatea Man for loving you •, if he did love 
you, 'tis but what he can't help, and 'tis your faulE not his, if he ad- 
mires you : I hate a Man for being of my opinion^ I'll ne'er do't, by 
the World. 

yilith. Is it for your honour or mine, to fufFer a Man to make love to 
me, who am to marry you to Morrow .^ 

Spar. Is it for your honour or mine, to have me jealous ? That he 
makes love to you, is a Hgn your are handfome •, and that I am not jea- 
lous, is a fign you are virtuous, that 1 think is for your honour. 

j^lith. But 'tis your honour too, I am concerned for. 

Har. But why, deareft Madam, will you be more concern'd for his 
honour, than he is himfelf ^ let his honour alone for my fake, and his, 
he, he, has no honour 

Spar. How^s th3t.^ 

I^ar. But what, my dear Friend can guard hunfelf. 

Spar. O ho—that's right again. 

Har. Your care of his honour argues his negled of it, which is no 
honour to my dear Friend here ; therefore once more, let his honour 
go which way it will, dear Madam. 

Spar. Ay, ay, were it for my honour to marry a Woman, whofe vir- 
tue I fufpedted, and cou'd not truft her in a Friends hands I 

Mith. Are you not affraid to lofe me ? 

Har. He affraid to lofe you. Madam ! No, no you may fee 

how the moll eflimable, and molt glorious Creature in the World, is va^ 
iued by him ^ will you not fee it? 

Spar. Right honeft Frank^^ I have that noble value for her, that I 
cannoS be jealous of her. 

Alith. You Miftakehioj, he means you care not for me, nor who has 
me. - Sl^n. 

5© The Country-Wife: 

spar. Lord, Madam, I ffee you are jealous *, will you wrcfl; a poor 
Mans meaning from his words ? 

j4lith. You aftonifli me. Sir, with your want of jealoufie. 
Spar. And you make me giddy. Madam, with your jealoufie and fears, 
and virtue, and honour ; gad, I fee virtue makes a Woman as trouble- 
fome, as a little reading, or learning. 
^lith, Monftrous •' 

Lucy, t Well to fee what eafie Husbands thefe Women of Quality 
can meet with, a poor Chamber-maid can never have fuch Lady-like 
luck •, befides he's thrown away upon her, flie'l make no ufe of her for- 
tune, her bleffing, none to a Gentleman, for a pure Cuckold, for it re- 
quires good breeding to be a Cuckold. {^Behind. 
Jlith. I tell you then plainly, he purfues me to marry me. 

Spar. Pfliaw 

Har. Come, Madam, you fee you ftrive in vain to make him jealous 
of me •, my dear Friend is the kindeft Creature in the World to me. 
Spar, Poor fellow. 

Har. But his kindnefs is not enough for me, without your favour ; 
your good opinion, dear Madam, 'tis that muft perfed my happinefs; 
good Gentleman he believes all I fay, wou'd you wou'd do fo, jealous 
of me .' i wou'd not wrong him nor you for the World. 

Spar. Look you there ^ hear him, hear f Alithea ir^/i^ c^r^- 

him, and do not walk away fo. — — \ lefly^ to and fro. 

Har. I love you. Madam, fo — - 

Spar. How's that ! Nay now you begin to go too far indeed. 

Har. So much I confefs, I fay I love you, that I wou'd not have you 

mifcrable, andcaft your felf away uponfo unworthy, and inconfiderable 

a thing, as whac you fee here. ^Clapping his hand on his breafi^ 

\ \ points at Sparkifh. 

Spar. No Faith, 1 believe thou woud'ft not, now his meaning is plain : 

but I knew before thou woud'ft not wrong me nor her. 

Har. No, no. Heavens forbid, the glory of her Sex fhou'd fall fo low 
as into the embraces of fuch a contemptible Wretch, the leaft of Man- 
kind — my dear Friend here — I injure him. [Embracing Sparkifli. 
uilith. Very well. 

Spar. No, no, dear Friend, I knew it. Madam, you fee he will rather 
wrong himfelf than me, in giving himfelf fuch names. 
Alith. Do not you underftand him yet •** 
Spar. Yes, howmodeftly hefpeaks of himfelf, poor Fellow. 

Alith. Methinks he fpeaks impudently of your felf, fmce -before 

your felf too, infomuch that I can no longer fufF^r his fcurrilous abufive- 
nefs to you, no more than his love to me. [Pjfers to go. 

Spar. Nay, nay, Madam, pray ftay, his love to you : Lord, Madam, 
has he not fpoke yet plain enough ? 
^lith. Yes indeed, 1 (hou'd think fo. 

Spar. Well then, by the World a Man can't fpeak civilly to a Wo« 
maa now, but prefently ftie fays, he makes love to her .* Nay, Madam, 


The Country-Wife: ' ' 5 r 

you (hall ftay, with your pardon, lince you have not yefe underllood him, 
till he has made an eclaircifment of his love to you, that is what kind of 
love it is •, anfwer to thy Catechifme : Friend, do you love my Mi- 
ftrift here ? 

Har, Yes, I wilh ihe wou'd not doubt it. 

Sfar. But how do you love her? 

i/^r. With all my Soul. ^ 

jilith, I thank him, methinks he fpeaks plain enough now. 

Sfar. You are out ftill. {To Alithea. 

But with what kind of love, Harcourt ? 

Bar. With the bell, and trueft love in the World . 

Sfar. Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, Tm 

jilith. How's that, do you fay matrimonial love is not bell ? 

Sfar. Gad, I went too far e're I was aware : But fpeak for thy felf 
Harcourt^ you faid you wou'd not wrong me, nor her. 

Har. No, no. Madam, e'en take him for Heaven's fake. 
- Spar, Look you there. Madam. 

har. Who Ihou'd in all Jullice be yours, CClaps his hand. 

he that loves you moll. \ on hiskeafi^ 

Jilith. Look you there, Mr. Sparkijh, who's that? 

Spar, Who fhou'd it be ? go on Harcourt. 

Har, Who loves you more than Women Titles, or Fortune Fools. 

{Joints at Sparkifc. 

Spar. Look you there, he means me ftill, for he points at me, 

AUtk Ridiculous ! 

Bar. Who can only match your Faith, and Conftancy in love. 
' Spar. Ay. 

Har, Who knows, if it be poflible, how to value fo much beauty 
and virtue. 

Spar. Ay. 

Har. Whofe love can no more be equal'd in the world, than that 
Heavenly form of yours. 

Sfar. No. ■ ' ' , 

Har. Whocou'd nomorefuffer a Rival, than your abfence, and 
yet cou'd no more fufpedt your virtue, than his own conftancy in his 
love to you. 

Spar. No 

Har. Who in fine loves you better than his Eyes, that firft made 
him love you. 

Spar. Ay-— nay. Madam, faith you fhan't go, till— 

Alith Have a care, left you make me ftay too long 

Spar, But till he has faluted you j that I may be affiir'd you are friends, 
after his honeft advice and declaration : Come pray. Madam, be friends 
with him. 

Enter Mafier Plnchwife, Mfirtfs Hnchwife. 

Mth. You muft pardon me, Sir, that I am not yet fo obedient to you. 


g2 The Country-Wife* 

Mrs. Pin. What, invite your wife to kifs MenTMonHrous ! are you not 
afliam'd ? I will never forgive you. 

Sfar, Are you not afham'd, that I fhou'd have more confidence in the 
chaftity of your Family, than you have; youmuft not teach me, I am 
a man of honour. Sir, though I am frank and free ^ I am frank. Sir, — 

Mr. Tin. Very frank, Sir, to fhare your Wife with your friends. 

S^ar. He is an humble, Menial Friend, fuch as reconciles the differen- 
ces of the Marriage-bed ; you know Man and Wife donotajwayes a- 
gree, I defign him for that ufe, therefore wou'd have him well with 
my Wife. 

. Mr. Tin. A menial friend — you will get a great many menial Friends, 
by Ihewing your Wife as you do. 

Spar. What then, it may be I have a pleafure in':, as I have to Ihew 
fine Clothes, at a Play-houfe the firfl: day, and count money before 
poor Rogues. 

Mr. Pin, He that (hews his wife, or money, will be in danger of ha- 
ving them borrowed fometimes. 

Spar. I love to be envy'd, and wou'd not marry a Wife, that I a- 
lone cou'd love •, loving alone is as dull, as eating alone ; is it not a frank 
age, and I am a frank Perfoa ? and to tell you the truth, it may be 
I love to have Rivals in a Wife, they make her feem to a Man ftill, 
but as a kept Miftrifs 5 and fo good night, for I mult to Whitehall, Ma- 
dam, I hope you are now reconcil'd to my Friend ^ and fo 1 wi(h you 
a good night. Madam, and fleep if you can, for to morrow you know 
1 muft vifit you early with a Canonical Gentleman. Good night dear 
HarcoHrt. {^Exit Sparkifh. 

Har. Madam, I hope you will not refufe my vifit to morrow, if it 
(hou'd be earlyer with a Canonical Gentleman, than Mr. Sparkijh. 

Mr. Tin. This Gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you 
mull yet forbear your freedom with her. Sir. ^C oming between h\vi\\t2i 

\ and Harcourt. 

Har. Muft, Sir 

Mr. Pin. Yes, Sir, (he is my Sifter. 

Har. 'Tis well flie is, Sir — for I muft be her Servant, Sir, Madam— 

Mr. Pin. Come away Sifter, we had been gone, if it had not been 
for you, and fo avoided thefe lewd Rakehells, who feem to haunt us. 
Enter Horner, Dorilant to them. 

Hor. How now Pinchwife} . ., 

Mr. Pin. Your Servant. 

Hor. What, I fee a little time in the Country makes a Man turn wild 
and unfociable, and only fit to converfe with his Horfes, Dogs, and his 

Mr. Pin. I have bufinefs, Sir, and muft mind it v your bufinefs is 
pleafure, therefore you and 1 muft go different wayes. 

Hor. Well, you may go on, but this pretty young Gentleman 

{Takes hold of Mrs. Pinchwife. 

Har. The Lady 1^ — 

l>or. And the Maid——- l^or. 

The Country -Wife. ' 33 

Hor. ShaHftay with us, for I fuppofe their buflnefs is the fame with 
ours, pleafure. 

Mr. Pin. 'Sdeath he knows her, fhe carries it To lillily, yet if he does 
not, I fhou'd be more filly to difcover it firlt. - {^Afide. 

Alith. Pray, let us go, Sfr. > . . ., 

Mr. Pin, Come, come- — . - - 

Hor. Had you not rather ilay with us f C ^^ ^^^^' Pinchwife. 

' Prethee Pmc/jw^/e, who is this pretty young Gentleman i' 

Mr. Pin. One to whom I'm a Guardian. 
[^ 1 wi(h I cou'd keep her out of your hands—-—- \_Afidt. 

Hor: Who is he .? I never faw any thing fo pretty in all my life. 

Mr.Ptn, Pfhaw do not look upon him fo much, he's a poor bafhful 
youth, you'l put him out of countenance. Come away Brother. 

[Offers to take her awaf. 

Hor. O your Brother / 

Mr. Pin. Yes, ray Wifes Brother •, come, come, [he*l ftay fupper for 

Hor. I thought fo, for he is very like her I faw you at the play with^ 
whom I told you^ I was in love with. ' 

Mrs. Pin. O jeminy! is that hethat was inlove with me, I am glad 
on'c I vow, for he's a curious fine Gentleman, and I love him already 
too. \^Jfide* 

Is this he bud .^ ' []ro^iI/r. Pinchwife. 

Mr. Pin. Come away, come away. _ I2 7o his Wife. 

Hor. Why, ~what halte areyouin J" why won't you let me talk with 
him ? 

Mr. Pin. Becaufe you'l debauch him, he's yet young and innocent, and 
I wou'd not have him debauch'd for any thing in the World. 
How fhs gazes on him ! theDivel-—— > {_Jfidi;.-. 

Hor. Harcourt, - Dorihmt., look yoii here, this is the likenefs of thac 
Dowdey he told us of, his Wife, did you ever fee a lovelier Creature f 
the Rogue has reaion to be jealousof his Wife, fince (hz is like him, for 
(he wou'd make all that fee her, in love with her. 
~ Har. And as I remember now, fhe is as like him here as can be. 

Dor. Sheisindeed very pretty, if fhe be like him. 

Hor, Very pretty, a very pretty commendation -(he is a glorious- 

Creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld» 

Mr. Pm. So, fo. 

Har. More beautiful than a Poets (irft Miftrifs of Immagination. 
.' Hor. Or aiioiher Mans laft Mlftrifs of flefhand blood. . . - - !, 

Mrs. Pirn Nay, now you jeer. Sir ^ pray don't jear me • - ;'- 

' Mr. Pin. Come, come [|By heavens, (he'll difcover her felf. ' . 

•-.;•: , IJfide. 

Hor, I fpeak of your Siller, Sir. -^^ - 

Mr. Pin. Ay, but faying ihe was handfom, if like him, made him blufh- 
I am upon a rack- l^A/tde. 

Hor. M^thinks he is fo handfom, he (hou'd not be a Man. 

"^ F '-/ ■ Mr. Pin. 

^4 The Country Wife, 

Mr. Pi;^.0 there 'tis out, he has difcover'U her, I am not able to 

fufFer any longer. 

tCorae, come away, I fay \TohisWife, 

Hor, Nay, by your kave, Sir, he-fballnofe go yet- — - — 
HdYCQurt^ Dortlam^ let us torment this jealous Rogue a little. 

Bor. I'll fhew you. 

Mr. Tin. Gome pray let him go, I cannot ftay fooling any longer^ I 
tell you his Sifter flays fupper for us. , 

Hor. Do's fhe, come then we'll all go fup with her and thee. 

Mr. Pin. No, now I think on'c, having llaid fo long for us I warrant 
Ihe's gone to bed — — \ CI wilh ihe and 1 were well out of their 

hands-^ -~ ' ^ \^Afide. 

Gome I muft rife early to morrow, come. 

Hor. Well then, if (he be gone to bed, I wi(h her and you a good 
night. But pray, young Gentleman, prefent my humble fervice to her. 

Mrs. Pin. Thank you heartily. Sir. 

Mr. Pin. S'death, fhe will difcover her felf yet in fpight of me. 

He is fomething more civil to you, for your kindnefs to his Sifter, than 
lam, it feems. 

Hor. Tell her, dear fweet little Ge.ntleman,for all your brocher there, 
that you have reviv'd the love 1 had for her at the firft light in the Play- 

Mrs. Pin. But did you love her, indeed, and indeed f 

Mr. Pin. So^ io. - - IJ/ide. 

Away^ _I fay. 

Hor. Nay ftay ; yes indeed, and indeed, you tell her fo, and 
give her this kifs from me. \^ Kips her. 

Mr. Pin. O Heavens ! what do I fufflr ^ now 'tis too plain he knows 
her, and yet ---^ \_Afide. 

Hor. And this, and this « ^Kiffes her again, 

Mrs. Pin. What do you kifs me for, I am no Woman. 

Mr. Pin. 'So- — there 'tis out. {^AJide. 

Come, 1 cannot, nor will ftay any longer. 

Hor. Nay, they (hall fend your Lady a kifs toojhere Harcourt^ BoriUnt^ 
will you not ? > [J^^y ^fi ^^^' 

-Mr. Pin. How, do I fuff'er this? was I not accufing another jull now, 
for his rafc ally patience, in permitting his Wife to be kifs'd before his 
face ? ten thoufand Ulcers gnaw away their lips. {_ Aftddi 

Coftie, tome, 

Hor. Good night dear litde Gentleman.^ Madam, good-night-, fare-^ 
wel Pinchwife. dDid not 1 tell you 1 wou'd raife his jealous gall ? 

[1-4'^''^ f^ tlar court, ^«^ Dorilant. 
{Exennt Horner, Hareourt, and Dorilant. 

Mr. Pin. 

. The Co7intry-Wife, "' gy 

Mr, Tin. So, they are gone at laft ^ ftay, let me fee^ firft if the Coach 
be at this door. lExit* 

Hor, What not gone yet? will you befure to do as I defired you, 
fweet Sir ? CHorner, Harcourt, Dorilant retmn, 

Mrs, Pm. Sweet Sir, but what will you give me then ? 

Hor, Any thing> come away into the next ^Exit Hor nQxJhailing away 
walk. \ Mrs. Pinchwife. 

-^/f>^. Hold, hold, what d'ye do .^ 

Lucy. Stay, ftay, hold 

Hdr. Hold Madam, hold, let bira prefent him, he'l come prefently 5 
nay, I will never let you go, till you anfwer my queftion. ' 
: Lucy. For Gods fake, Sir, I mull follow 'em. rAlithea,Lucyy?r;^^//% 

Dor. No, 1 have fomething to prefent you ^with Harcourt, and 
with too, you fhan't follow them. C Dorilant. 

Pinchwife rff/m7x. ^" ' 

Mr. Pin. Where ? how ? whats become of? gone— 


Lucy. He's only gone with the Gentleman, who will give him fome» 
thing, an't pleafe your Worihip. 

Mr. Pin. Something- — give him fomethipg, with a Pox— —where 
are they ? 

Alith. In the next walk only. Brother. , " 

Mr. Pin. Only, only; where, where ? 

{Exit Pinch wife, and returns pre/em ly^ 
then ^oes out aaain. 

Har. What's the matter with him ? why fo much concerned? but 
dgareft Madam— — — 

Alith. Pray let me go, Sir, I have faid, and fufFerM enough already. 

Har. Then you will not look upon, nor picy my fuiFerings .'' 

Alith. To look upon^em, when I cannot help 'em, were cruelty, not 
pity, therefoi'C I will never fee you more. 

Har. Let me then. Madam, have my priviledge of a banifhed Lover, 
complaining or railing, and giving you but a farewell reafon \ why^ 
if you cannot condefCend to marry me, youihou'dnot take that wretch 
my Rival. 

Alith. He only, not you, fince my honour is engag'd fo far to him caa 
give me a reafon, why 1 fhou'd not marry him -, but if he be true, and what 
1 think him to me, I mult be foto him ^ your Servant, Sir. 

Har. Have Women only conilancy when 'tis a vice, and like fortune 
only true to fools f 

Dor. Thou {ha*t not flir thou robuft Creature, you fee I can deal with' 
you, therefore you Hiou'd Hay the rather, and be kind. . 

[To Lucy, whoflruggks to get from him. 
Enter pinchwife. 

Mr. Pin. Gone, gone, not to be found ^ quite gone, ten thoufand 
plagues go with 'em ^ which way went they f ^ , '_ 

AUtk But into t'other walk, BroLher, , ' ' ' - ' 

F 2 . Lmy. 

3^ The Country-Wife. 

Lucy. Their bufinefs will be done prefently fure, an't pleafe your 
Worfhip, it can'£ be long in doing I'm fure on't. j 

Alith Are they not there ? 

Mr.Tin.'Ho^ you know where they are, you infamous Wretch, Eter- 
nal fiiame of your Family, which you do not difhonour enough your felf, 
you think, but you mult help her to do it too, thou legion of Bauds. 

v^//>/j. Good Brother. 
^ Mr. Tin. Damn'd, damn'd Siller. . 

Jiith. Look you here, fhe's coming. 

Enter Mtftrifs Pinch wife in Mans Cloaths^ running- with her ' 
hat Hnder her arrh^ fnll of Oranges and dried jr nit, 
Horn&r following. 

Mrs. Fin. O dear Bud, look you here what I have got, fee. 

Mr. Tin. And what 1 have got here £00, J" -^fide.^ rubbing his 

which you can't fee. C forehead. 

Mrs. Tin. The fine Gentleman has given me better things yet. 

Mr. Tin. Ha's he fo ? [Out of breath and coiour'd 

! mull: hold yet. [^Afide. 

i:/or. 1 have only given your little Brother an Orange, Sir. 

Mr. Tin. Thank you, Sir. C^o Horner. 

You have only fqueezed my Orange, 1 fuppofe,and given it me again ; yec 

1 muil have a City-patience. - [_u4fide. 

Come, come away — [TohtsWife. 

Mr ^\ Tin, Stay, till I have put up my fine things. Bud. 

£;?fer5yrjarper Fidget. 
Sr.Jaf O Mafter /i/o;7?fr,<:ome, come, the Ladies flay for you j your 
Miftrifs, my Wife, wonders you make not more hafte to her. 

Hor. I have ftaid this half hour for you here, and 'tis your fault I am 
not now with your Wife. 

Sr. jaf. But pray, don't let her know fo much, the truth on't is, I 

was advancing a certain Projed to his Majefty, about — ; I'll tell 


Hor. No, let's go, and hear it at your houfe ^ Good night f weet little 
Qentieman j onekifs more, you'll remember me now I hope. 

C Ktffes her. 
Dor. What, Sir Jafpr.^ will you feparate Friends ? he promis'd to 
fup with us, and if you take him to your houfe, you'l be in danger of our 
company too. 

Sr. Jaf Alas Gentlemen my houfe is not fit for you, there are none but 
civil Women there, which are not for your turn \ he you know can bear 
with the fociety of civil Women, now, ha, ha, ha j befides he's one of my 

Family •,- he's heh, heh, he. 

Dor. What is he ? 

Sr. Jaf Faith, my Eunuch, fince you'll have it, heh, heh, heh. 

{_ Exit Sir Jafper Fidget, y^«^ Horner. 

-Dor. I rather wilh thou wert his, or my Cuckold : Harcourt.^ what 

a good Cuckold is loft there, for want of a Man to make him one j thee 


The Country-Wife, "^ 37 

and I cannot have //or^^rV privilege, who can make ufe of it. 

Har. Ay, to poor Horner^ 'tis like coming to an eftate at threefcore, 
when a Man can't be the better for't. 

Mr. Pin. Come. .- ■ 

Mrs. Pin. Prefently, Bud. 

Dor. Come let us go too : Madam your Servant. croAUtb. 

Good night Strapper [To Lucy. 

Har. Madam though you will not let me have a good day, or night, 
I wilh you one •, but dare not name the other half of my wifli. 

Alith. Good night, Sir, for ever. 

Mrs. Pin. 1 don"*t know, where to put this here, dear Bud, you fiiail 
eat it j nay, you fhali have part of the fine Gentleman's good things, or 
treat, as you call it, when we come home. 

Mr. Pin. Indeed I deferve it, fince / furnifh'd the befc-part of it. 

[Strikes away the Orange, 
The Gallant treats, prefents, and gives the Ball, 
But 'tis the abfent Cuckold pays for all. 


. /: In Pmchm(Qh Honfe in the Aiformn£. . : . ,. 

■ r . Lucy, Alithea, drefs'^A in new Cloaths. • : f 

Lucy.yrjTT'EW Madam, now have / drefs'd you, and fet 

VV out with ib many ornaments, and fpent upon you oun- 
ces of efTence, and pulvilio •, and all this for no other purpofe, but as 
People adorn, and perfume a Corps, for a ftinking fecond-hand grave, 
fuchorasbad /think Mailer 5j?4riy7;'s bed. • i 

jiltth. Hold your peace. ;, 

Lucy. Nay, Madam, / will ask you the reafon, why you wou'd banilh 
poor Mafter Harconrt for ever from your light ? how cou'd you be fo 

-^/?>^. 'Twasbec^ufe/ was not hard-hearted. 

Lucy. No,' no; 'cwas ftark love and kindnefs, / warrant. 

-/^/?>^. It was fo 5 /wou'd fee him no more, becaufe/ love him. 
. Ifucy. Hey-day, a very pretty reafon. -:-;■. 

./ilith. You do aot underftand me. .. ;. -, \ 

Lucy, /wilh, you may your felf. :^; ;. ;/n:t 

Mith, I was engag'd to marry, you fee, another man, whom my juftice 
win not fuffer me to deceive, or injure. 

Lncy. Can there be a greater cheat, or wrong done to a Man, than 
to give hini your perfon, without your heart ; / (hou'd make a confci- 
ence of it. 

^lith. I'll retrieve it for him after /am married a while. 


38 The Country Wife: 

Lucy. The Woman that marries to love better, will be as much mifta- 
ken, as the Wencher that marries to live better. No, Madam, marry- 
ing to increafe love, is like gaming to become rich j alas you only lofe 
what little ftock you had before. 

jilith. I find by your Rhetorick you have been brib'd to betray me, 

Lncy. Only by his merit, that has brib'd your heart you fee againft 
your word, and rigid honour j but what a Divel is this honour ? 'tis 
fure a difeafein the head, like the Megrim, or Falling-ficknefs, that al- 
wayes hurries People away to do themfelves mifchief^ Men lofe their 
lives by it : Women what's dearer to 'em, their love, the life of life. 

jilith. Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor Mafter Hanourt'^ 
1 wifh the other wou'd come, to fecure my fidelity to him, and his right 
in me. 

Lucy, You will marry him then ? 

Alith. Certainly, I have given him already my word^ and will my 
hand tbo, to make it good when he comes. 

Lucy. Well, I wifh I may never ftick pin more, if he be not an errant 
Natural, to t'other fine Gentleman. 

Alith. I own he wants the wit o{ Har courts which I will difpence.with- 
all, for another wa^t he has, which is want of jealoufie, which men of 
wit feldom want. 

Lucy. Lord, Madam, what fliou'd you do with a fool to your Hus- 
band, you intend to be honell, don't you f then that husbandly virtue, , 
credulity, is thrown away iipon you. 

Alith. He only that could fufpeft my virtue, Ihou'd have caufe to 
do it ; 'tis Sparkijh\ confidence in my truth, that obliges me to be fo 
faithful to him, 

Lucy. You are not fure his opinion may lafl. 

Alith. I am fatisfied, 'tis impoflible for him to be Jealous, after the 
proofs 1 have had of him: Jealoufie in a Husband, Heaven defend me 
from it, it begets a thoufand plagues to a poor Woman, the lofs of 
her honour, her quiet, and her— 

LfH:y. And her pleafure. 

Altth. What d'ye mean. Impertinent? _ 

Lucy. Liberty is a great pleafure. Madam. 

Alith. I fay lofs of her honour, herquiet^ naylier life fometiraes ^ 
and what's as bad almoft, the lofs of this Town-, that is, file is fent 
into the Country, which is the la|t illrufage of a Husband to a Wife, 
I think. 

Lncy. O do's the wind lye there ? CAJieie. 

Then of neceffity, Madam, you think a man mufl carry his Wife inco 
the Country, ifhebewife^ the Qountry is as terrible 1 find to our 
young Englili Ladies, as aMonaltery to thofe abroad : and on my Vir- 
ginity, I think they wou'd rather mavry z London Goaler, than a high 
Sheriff of a County, fince neither can ftir from his imployraent : for- 
merly Women of wit married Fools, for a great Eftate, a fine feat, or 
the like ; but now 'tis for a pretty feat only in Limolm-Im-fidds^ or St. 
James\-fieUs^ ov th^ Pall-mall. ' Enter 

" , The Country -Wife: ^P 

' • Enter to themS^%x\;x^^ aftdH^vcourtdrefsUiikea Parfon. 

Spar. Madam, your humble Servant, a happy day to you, and to us 
'all. " ■"•'■,- 

Har. Amen.— 

Mith. Who have we here f 

Spar. My Chaplain faith — O Madam, poor Harcowrt remembers 

his humble'fervice to you \ and in obedience to your laft commands, 
refrains coming info your fight. 

Aiith, Is not that he ? 

Spar. No, fye no \ but to fhew that he ne're intended to hindt?" our 
Macchjhas fent his Brother here to joyn our hands:when I get me a Wife, 
I mult get her a Chaplain, according to the Cuftom ^^ this is his Brother, 
and my Chaplain. 

Alith, His Brother ? 

Lncy. And your Chaplain, to preach in your Pulpit then—' • 


Allth. His Brother ! 

Spar. Nay,* I knew you wou'd not believe it \ I told you, Sir, fhe 
wou'd take you for your Brother Vrank. 
: Aikh. Believe it! 

Lucy. His Brother I hah, ha, he, he has a trick left ilill it feems— 


Spar. Come my deareit, pray let us go to Church before the Canoni- 
cal hour is pafl:. 
'Alith. For (liame, you are abus'd Ilill. , - 

Spar. By the World 'tis ftrange now you are fo incredulous^ 

Alith. 'Tis ftrange you are fo credulous. "-"^ i. 

Spar. Deareft of ray life, hear me, 1 tell you this is Ned HarconH 
of Cambridge^ by the wOrld, you fee he has a fneaking Colledge look j 
■ 'tis true he's fomething like his Brother Frankj and they differfrom each 
other no more than in their age, for they were Twins. 

Lmy. Ha, ha, he 

Alith. Your Servant, Sir, I cannot be fodeceiv'd, though you are^ 
bat come let's hear, how do yon.know what you affirm fo confidently. 

Spar. Why, I'll tell you all •, Franks Harcoun coming to me this morn- 
ing, to wiih me joy, and prefent his fervice to yoti : I ask'd him, if he 
- cou'dhelpmeto a Parfon-, whereupon he told me, he had a Brother 
in Town who was in Orders, and he went llraight away, and fent him, 
you fee there, to me. 

Alith. Yqs^ Fmw^goes, and puts on a black-coat, then tells you, he 
is Ned, that's all you have for't. 

Spar. Plhaw, Plhaw, I tell you by the fame token, the Midwife put 
her Garter about Frank^s neck, to know *em afunder, they were fo like. 

Alith^\h you this too. ' ^ 

Spar, ky^ and iVi?^, there too-, nay, they are both in a Story. 

Alith. So, foj very fooUfli. 

Spar. Lord, if you won't believe one, you had bell trye him by your 


40 The Country "Wife* 

Chamber-maid there ; for Chamber-maids muft needs know Chaplains 
/rom other Men, they arefo us'd to'em. 

Lucy. Let's fee ^ n'ay, Pll be fworn he has the Canonical fmirk^and die 
filthy, clammy palm of a Chaplain. - 

Alith. Well, raofl reverend Doflor, pray let us make an end of 
this fooling. 

Har. With all my foul, Divine, Heavenly Creature, when you 

u^lith. Hefpeaks like a Chaplain indeed. 

Sfar. Why, was there not, foul. Divine, Heavenly, in what hefaid.** 

Alitb. Once more, moll impertinent Black-coat, ceafe your perfecu- 
tion, and let us have a Conclufion of this ridiculous love. 

Bar, I had forgot, I muft fute my Stile to my Coat, -or I were it in 
vain. ^Afide. 

Alith. I have no more patience left, let us make once an end of this 
troubiefome Love, I fay. - 

Har. So be ic, Seraphick Lady, when your honour fhall think it meet, 
and convenient fo to do. 

Spar. Gad i'ffl fure none but a Chaplain cou'd fpeak fo, I think. 

Alith. Let me tell you Sir, this dull trick will not ferve your turn, 
though you delay our Marriage, you (hall not hinder it. 

Har.lcar be it from me. Munificent Patronefs, to delay your Mar- 
riage, I delire nothing more than to marry you prefently, which I might 
do, if you your felf wou'd ^ for my Noble, Good-natur'd, and thrice 
Generous Patron here wou'd not hinder it. 

Spar. No, poor man, not I faith. - -- 

Har. And now, Madam, let me tell you plainly, nobody elfe (hall 
marry you, by Heavens, I'll dye firft, for I'm fure I Ihou'd die after it. 

Lucy. How his love has made him forget his Fundion, as I have feen 
- it in real Parfons. 

Alith. That was fpoken like a Chaplain too, now you underftand 
him^ I hope. 

Spar. Poor man, he takes it hainoufly to be ref us'd ; I can't blame 
him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him not to be fulFer'd, but you'l par- 
don me Madam, it fhan't be, he Ihall marry us, come away, pray. 

Lucy. Ha, ha, he, more ado-' 'tis late. 

Alith. Invincible ftupidity, I tell you he wou'dmarry me, as your Ri- 
val, not as your Chaplain. 

Spar. Come, come Madam. {^Pulling her away. 

Lucy. I pray Madam, do not refufe this Reverend Divine, the honour 
and fatisfad:ion of marrying you ; for I dare fay, he has fet his heart 
upon't good Dodtor. 

Alith. What can you hope, or defign by this .'' 

Har. 1 cou'd anfwer her, a reprieve for a day only, often revokes a 
haft y doom? at worft, if fhe will not take mercy on me, and let me 
marry her, I have at leaft the Lovers. fecond pleafure, hindring my Ri- 
vals enjoyolent, though but for a time. Spar. 

_ ; ^ The Country-Wife. 4? 

Sfar. Coaic Madam, 'tis e'en twelve a dock, and my Mother charg'd 
me never to be married out of the Canonical hours j come, come. Lord 
here's fuch a deal of modeity, I warrant the firft day. 

Lucy. Yes, an't pleafe your Worfliip, married women Ihew all their 
Modefty the firlt day, becaufe married men fhew all their love the firft 
day. C Exeunt Sparkifh, Alithea, 

\ Harcourt, and Lucy. 
The Scene changes to a Bed-chamber, where afpear Pinchwife, 
Mrs. Pinch wife. 
^. P»»c&. Cometellme, Ifay. 
Mrs. Pinch. Lord, han't I told it an hundred times over. 
Mr^ Pinch. I wou'd try, if in the repetion of the ungrateful tale, I 

Sou'd find her altering it in the leaft circumftance, for if her ftory be falfe 
^eisfotoo. [^Afide. 

Come, how was't Baggage ? 

Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what pleafure you take to hear it fure ! 

Mr. Pinch, No, you take more in telling it 1 find, but fpeak, how 
was't ? 

Mrs. Pinch. He carried me up into the houfe, next to the Exchange. 

Mr. Pin. So, and you two were only in the room. 

Mrs. Pin. Yes, for he fent a way- a youth j:hat was there, for forae 
dryed fruit, and China Oranges. 

Mr. Pin, Did he fo f Damn him for it and for 

Mrs. Pin. But prefently came up the Gentlewoman of the houfe. 

Mr. Pin. O 'twas Well ihe did, but what did he do whilelt the fruit 
came / 

Mrs. Pin. Hekifs'd me an hundred times, and told me he fancied he 
kifs'd my fine Sifter, meaning me you know, whom he faid he lov'd 
with all his Soul, and bid me be fure to tell her fo, and to defire her to 
be at her window, by eleven of the clock this morning, and he wou'd 
walk under it at that time. 

Mr. Pin. And he was as good as his word, very punctual, a pox re- 
ward hhnfor't. \^j4fide,. 

Mrs. Pin. Well, and he faid if you were not within, he wou'd come 
up to her, meaning me you know, Bud, ftill. 

Mr. Pin. So he knew her certainly, but for this cpnfeffion, 1 am 

oblig'd to her fimplicity. ^ C^/^^^ 

But what you ftood very ftill, when he kifs'd you ? 

Mrs. Pin. Yes I warrant you, wou'd you have had me difcover'd my 

Mr. Pin. But you told me, he did fome beaftlinefs to you, as you call'd 
if, what was't ? 

Mrs. Pin. Why, he put — 

Mr.Ptn. What.^ 

Mrs. Pin. Why he put the tip of his tongue between my lips, and fo 

mufl'dme and 1 faid, I'd bice it. 

^r.P»«. An eternal Canker feize it, for a dog. , 

G Ws.Pin^ 

^2 The Comitry-Wife, 

Mrs. Tin. Nay, you need not be fo angry with him neither, for to fay 
truth, he has the fweetefl: breath I ever knew. 

Mr. Pm. The Devil you were fatisfied with it then, and wou'd 

do it again. 

Mrs. Pin, Not unlefs he fhouM force me. 

Mr. Pin. Force you, changeling ! I tell you no woman can be forced. 

Mrs. Pin, Yes, bu6 flie may fure, by fuch a one as he, for he's a pro- 
per} goodly ftrong man, 'tis hard, let me tell you, to refill him. 

Mr. Pin. So, 'tis plain Ihe loves him, yet fhe has not love enough to 
make her conceal it from me, but the light of hira will increafe her a- 
verfion for me, and love for him ; and that love inftru(fl her how to de- 
ceive me, and fatisfie him, all Ideot as Ihe is : Love, 'twas he gave wo- 
men firft their craft, their art of deluding i out of Natures hands they 
came plain, open, filly and fit for flaves, as (he and Heaven intended 'emj 

but damn'd Love Well- — I mull flrangle that little Monller,, 

whileft lean deal with him. 

Go fetch Pen, Ink, and Paper out of the next room. 

yI//-j.P/>2. Yes Bud. C£^*> -M-j. Pinchwifc. 

Mr. Pin. Why fhould Women have more invention in love than men f 
It can only be, becanfe they have moredefires, more foliciting paflions, 
more lull, and more of the Devil. l^^iftde, 

Mifirefs Pinch wife returns.. 
Come, Minks^ fit down and write. 

Mrs. Pin. Ay, dear Bud, but I can't dot very well, 

Mr. Pin. I wilh you cou'd not at all. 

^rj. P/w. But whatlhou'd I write for .^ 

Mr, Pm. I'll have you write a Letter to your Lover, 

Mrs. Pin. O Lord, to the fine Gentleman a Letter ! 

Mr. Pin. Yes, to the fine Gentleman. 

Mrs. Pin. Lord, you do but jeer, fure you jell. 

Mr. Pin. I am not fo merry, come write as I bid you.. 

Mrs. Pin. What, do you think \ am a fool ? 

Mr. Pin. She's afraid I would not didate any love to him, therefore 
ihe's unwilling •, but you had bell begin. 

Mrs. Pin. Indeed, and indeed, but 1 won't, fo I won't. 

Mr. Pin. Why ? 

Mrs. Pin. Becaufe he's in Town, you may fend for him if you will. 

Mr. Pin. Very well, you wouM have him brought to you j is it come 
to this ? I fay take the Pen and write, or you'll provoke me. 

Mrs. Pin. Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for ? Don't I know that 
Letters are never writ, but from the Country to London^ and from Lori' 
don into the Country ; now he's in Town, and I am in Town too ^ there- 
fore I can'£ write to him you know. 

Mr. Pin. So, I am glad it is no worfe, Ihe is innocent enough yet. 

C Aftde, 
Yet you may, when your Husband bids you, write Letters to people that 
are in Town. 

Mrs, Pin. 

The Country 'Wife, ^■^ 

Mrs. Tin. O may 1 fo ? Then I'm fatisfied. 

Mr, Tin. Come begin — Sir . l^DiCtates. 

Mrs. Pin. Shan't I fay, Dear Sir ? You know one fays always fome- 
tbing more than bare Sir. 

Mr. Pin, Write as I bid you, or I will write Whore with this Pen- 
knife in your Face. 

Mrs. Pin. Nay good Bud« — Si r . {_Ske writes. 

Mr. Pin, Though I fufFer'd laft night your naufeous, loathM Killes and 
Embraces W rite. 

Mrs. Pin. Nay, why fliouM I fay fo ? you know I told you, he had 
a fweet breath. 

Mr, Pin. Write. 

Mrs. Pin. Let me but put out, loath'd. 

Mr. Pin. Write I fay. 

Mrs, Pin. Well then. . [^ Writes. 

Mr. Pin. Let's fee what have you writ ? 
Though I fuffer'd laft night your KifFes and Embraces— 

£Takss the Paper^ and reads. 
Thou impudent creature, where is naufeous and loath'd ? 

Mrs. Pin. I can't abide to write fuch filthy words. 

Mr. Pin. Once more write as I'd have you, and queftion it not, or 
I will fpoil thy writing with this, I will ftab out thofe eyes that caufe my 
mifehief. \^Holds tip the Penknife, 

Mrs, Pin. O Lord, I will. 

Mr. Pin. So fo— — Let's fee now! \JR.eads, 

Though I fufFer'd laft night your naufeous, loath'd kifles, and embraces \ 
Go on — Yet \ would not have you prefume that you fliall ever repeat 
them - So {She Writes, 

Mrs. Pin. I have writ it. 

Mr. Pin. O then — I then conceaPd my felf from your knowledge^ to 
avoid your infolencies IShe vmtes. 

Mrs, Pin. So. 

Mr . Pin. The fame reafon now I am out of your hands- 

\_She writes, 

Mrs, Pin, So - 

Mr. Pin. Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent 
frolick of being in mans cloaths. {She writes, 

-■ Mrs. Pin. So 

Mr. Pin. That you may for evermore ceafe to purfue her, who hates 
and detefts you ^ C ^^^ xvrites on, 

Mrs. Pin. So h- L^ig^K 

Mr. Pin. What do you figh ? — detefts you ^as much as (he loves 

her Husband and "her Honour 

Mrs. Pin. I vow Husband he'll ne'er believe, I IhouM write flich a 

Mr. Pin. What he'd exped a kinder from you ? come now your name 
only. - 

G 2 Mrs. Pin. 

44 The Country-Wife, 

Mrs. Pin. What, flian't I fay your moft faithful, humble Servant till 
death ? 
Mr. Pin. No, tormenting Friend ; her ftile I find wou'd be very foft. 

Come wrap it up now, whilell I go fetch wax and a candle •, and write 
on the back-lide, for Mr. i^or^er. C^w Pinch wife. 

Mrs. Pin. For Mr. Horner. — So, I am glad he has told me his name •, 
Dear Mr. //brwr, but why (hould I fend thee fuch a Letter, that wil! 
vex thee» and make thee angry with me j — well I wi)l not fend it- — 
Ay but then my husband will kill me — for I fee plainly, he won't let 

me love Mr. Horner — but what care I for my Husband 1 won'fi 

fo I won't fend poor Mr. Horner fuch a Letter but then my Hus- 
band — — But oh ^what if I writ at bottom, my Husband made me 

v?rite it. Ay but then my Husband wou'd fee't Can one have 

no Ihift, ah, a London woman wou'd have had a hundred prelently ; ftay 
- — what if I fhou'd write a Letter, and wrap it up like this, and write 

upon't too •, ay but then my Husband wouM kt\ 1 don't know 

what to do — But yet y vads I'll try, fo 1 will — for I will not fend this 
Letter to poor Mr. Horner, come what will on't. 

Dear, Sweet Mr. Horner — So my Hus- C^^^ writes^ and repeats 

band won'd have me fend you a bafe, rude, un-^ what (he hath writ. 
mannerly Letter but 1 won't fo and wou'd have me for- 
bid you loving me but I won't fo — , — and wou'd have me fay 

to you, I hate you poor Mr. Horner — but 1 won't tell a lye for him — 
there -^ for I'm fure if you and I were in the Country at cards together, 
— — fo — I cou'd not help treading on your Toe under the Table — 

fo or rubbing knees with you, and flaring in your face, 'till you 

faw me- very n?e//-— .and then looking down, and blulhing for an 

hour together— — fo but I muft make hafte before my Husband 

come •, and now he has taught me to write Letters : You fliall have longer 
ones from me, who am 

Dear, dear, poor dear Mr. Homer, your moft 
Humble Friend, and Servant to command 'tin death, 

Margery Pinchwife, 

Stay I mufl give him a hint at bottom fo now wrap it up juft 

like t'other- fo^ — - — -now write for Mr. Homer, — - — But oh now,, 

what fhalll do with it? for here comes my Husband. 

£»f^r Pinchwife. 
Mr, Pin. I have been detained by a Sparkifh Coxcomb, who pretended 
avifittome; but I fear 'twas to my Wife. L-^fde. 

What, have you done .^ 
Mrs. Pin. Ay, ay Bud, juftirow. 

Mr. Pin. Let's fee't, what d'ye tremble for ; what, you wou'd not 
have it go ? 

Mrs. Pin. Here- No I muft not give him that,fo F^nr opens and reads 

I had been ferved if I had given him this. L^p'de.\ the firfl Letter. 

Mr, Pin. 

The Country-Wife, 45 

Mr. Vin. Come, where's the Wax and Seal ? 

Mrs, Pin. Lord, what (hall I do now ? Nay then! have it— \iApde, 
Pray let me kt\ Lord you think me fo CS^atches the Letter from him^ 
errand a fool^ I cannotfeala Letter, I m\\< changes it for the other^feals 
do't fo I will.'i andddi'vers it to him. 

Mr. Pin. Nay, I believe you will le arn that and other things too, 
which I wou'd not have you. 

Mrs. Tin. So, han't I done it curioufly ? 
I think I have, there's my Letter going to Mr. Borrnr ^ fiace he'll needs 
have me fend Leters to Folks. {_Afide, 

Mr. Pin. 'Tis very well, bat I warrant, you wou'd not have it go 

yJ/rj.P^w. Yes indeed, but /wou'd. Bud, now. 

Mr. Pin. Well you are a good Girl then, come let me lock you up 
in your chamber, till /come back r and be fure you come not within 
three ftrides of the window, when / am gone j for,/ have a fpye in the 
ftreet. )iExit Mrs Vin. 

Atleaft 'tis fit (he think fo, if we do not cheat f Pinchwife lochj 
women, they '1 cheat us ; and fraud may be juftly ufed \ the door. 
with fecret enemies, of which a Wife is the moft dangerous •, and he 
that has a handfome one to keep, and a Frontier Town, muft provide 

againft treachery^ rather than open Force -Now /have fecuredall 

within, I'll deal with the Foe without with falfe intelli- ^ Holds up the 
gencc. c Letter. 

t£A:?> Pinchwife . 

The Scene chmges 40 Horner'^ Lodging. 
Quack 4«^ Horner. 

^Hack^ Well, Sir, hx)W fadges the new delTgn ; have you not the luck. 
of all your Brother Projedors, to deceive only your felf at lafi; ? 

Hor. No, good Domine Dodor^ I deceive youitfcems, and others 
too^ for the grave Matrons, and old rigid Husbands think me as unfit 
for love, as they are ^ but their Wives, Sifters and Daughters, know 
fome of '^em better things already. ~ _ 

Qitacl^ Already' 

Hor. Already, /fay^ lafl: night /was drunk with half a dozen of 
your civil perfons, as you call 'em, and people of Honour, and fo was 
made free of their Society, and dreffing rooms for ever hereafter ^ and 
am already come to the priviledges of lleeping upon their Pallats, warm* 
ing Smocks, tying Shooes and Garters, and the like, Dodor, already, 
already Dodor. 

Quacks You have made ufe of your time. Sir. 

Hor. I tell thee, / am now no more interruption to 'em, when tlicy 
fing, or talk bawdy, than a little Squab French Page, who fpeaks no 

.' Qf*ack, 

46 The Country 'Wife. 

• Quacks But do civil perfons, and women of Honour drink, and fing 
bawdy Songs. 

fior. O amongH: Friends, amongfl Friends \ for your Bigots in Ho- 
nour, are juftlike thofe in Religion ; they fear the eye of the world, 
more than the eye of Heaven, and think there is no virtue, but railing 
at vice ^ and no fin, but giving fcandai : They rail at a poor, little,kept 
Player, and keep themfelvesfome young, modeft Pulpit Comedian to 
be privy to their fins in their Glofets, not to tell 'em of them in their 

Qifack, Nay, the truth on't is, Priefts among the women now, have 
quite got the better of us Lay Confeflbrs, Phyficians. 

Hor. And they are rather their Patients, but — 

Enter my Lady Fidget, lookjfig about her. 
Now we talk of women of Honour, here comes one, ftep behind the 
Screen there, and but obferve ^ if I have not particular Privileges, with 
the women of reputation already, Doiftor, already. 

La. Fid. Well, Horner^ am not I a woman of Honour /" you fee Tm^as 
good as my word, 

Hor. And you (hall fee Madam, I'll not be behind hand with you in 
honour^ and I'll be as good as my word too, if you pleafe but to with- 
draw into the next room. 

La. Fid. But firft, my dear Sir, you mufl: promife to have a care of 
my dear Honour. 

Hor. If you talk a word more of your Honour, you'l make me in- 
capable to wrong it ^ to talk of Honour in the myfleries of Love, is 
like talking of Heaven, or the Deity in an operation of Witchcraft, 
juft when you are employing the Devil, it makes the charm impotent. 

La. Fid. Nay, fie, let us not be fmooty ^ but you talk of myfteries, 
and bewitching to me, I don't underftand you. 

Hor. I tell you Madam, the word money in a Miftreflcs mouth, at 
fuch a nick of time, is not a more difheartning found to a younger 
Brother, than that of Honour to an eager Lover like my felf. 
La. Fid. But you can't blame a Lady of my reputation to be chary. 
Hot. Chary — 1 have been chary of it already, by the report I have 
caus'dof my felf. 

La. Fid. Ay, but if you fhouM ever let other women know that dear 
fecret, ic would come out;, nay, you mull have a great care of your 
condud J for my acquaintance are fo cenforious, (oh 'tis a wicked cen- 
forious world, Mr. Homer.) I fay, are fo cenforious, and detracting, 
that perhaps they'i talk to the prejudice of my Honour, though you 
fhou'd not let them know the dear fecret. 

Hor. Nay, Madam, rather than they fliall prejudice your Honour, I'll 
prejudice theirs; and to ferve you, I'll lye with 'em all, make the fecret 
their own, and then they'll keep it : 1 am a Af.tchlavelin love, Madam. 
La. Fid. O, no Sir, not that way. 

Hor. Nay, the Devil take me, -45 cenforious women are to befilenc'd 
any other v^^ay. 

La. Fid. 

The Country Wife: 47- 

La.Fid. Afeeretis better kept / hope, by a ilngle perfon than a 
multitude j therefore pray do not truft any body elfe with it, dear, dear 
Mr. Horner. {^Embracing him. 

Enter Sir Jafper Fidget. 

Sr. Jafi. How now ! 

La. Fid. O my Husband --prevented -and what's ahnofl: as 

bad, found with my arms about another man that will appear too 

much what Ihali I fay ? lAJide. 

Sir Jafper come hither, I am trying if Mr. Hormr were ticklifli, and 
he's as ticklifh as can be, I love to torment the confounded Toad j 
let you and I tickle him. 

Sir. Jafp, No, your Ladyfhip will tickle him better without me, I 
fuppofe :, but is this your buying-XIhina, I thought you had been at the 
China Houfe ? 

Hor. China Houfe, that's my Cue, I muft take it. £_J/}de. 

A Pox, can't you keep your impertinent Wives at home ? fome men 
are troubled with the Husbands, but I with the Wives ^ but I'd have 
you to know, fince I cannot be your Journey-man by night, I will not 
be your drudge by day, to fquire your wife about, and be your man 
of ftraw, or fcare-crow only to Pyes and Jays ; that would be nibling 
at your forbidden fruit ^ 1 Ihall be (hortly the Hackney Gentleman-UIher 
of the Town. 

Sirjafp^ Heh, heh, he, poor fellow he's in the right on'c faith, to 
fquire Women about for other folks, is as ungrateful an employment, as 
to tell money for other folks ; £JJidei 

Heh, he, he, ben'c angry //or«fr 

La. Fid. No, 'tis I have more reafon to be angry, who am left by 
you, to go abroad indecently alone -, or, what is more indecent, to 
pin my felf upon fuch ill-bred people ot your acquaintance, as this is. 

Sir. Jafp. Nay, pr'ythee what has he done .^ 

La. Fid. Nay, he has done nothing. 

Sir Jafp. But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing i" 

La. Fid. Hah, hah, hah. Faith, I can't but laugh however^ why 
d'ye think the unmannerly toad wou'd not come down to me co the 
Coach, / was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which 
/ was refolved qot to do \ for he knows China very well, and has 
himfelf very good, but will not let me fee it, left I fhould beg fome ; 
but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet. 

{Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door^ 
followed by Horner to the door. 

Hor. Lock the door Madam ■ \^Jpart to Lady Fidget. 

So, Ihe has got into my chamber, and lock'd me out ^ oh the imper- 
tinency of Vi^oman-kind ! Well, Sir Jafper^ plain dealing is a Jewel , 
if ever you fufFeryour Wife to trouble me again here, fhe Ihall car- 
ry you home a pair of- Horns, by my Lord Major flie (hall -^ though 
1 cannot furnifh yon my felf, you are fure, yet I'll find a way. 
Sir J^fp. Hah, ha, he, at my firft coming in, and finding her arms 


48 The Country^Wife* 

about him, tickling him it feems^l was half jealous, but now I fee ray 
folly. i^^de. 

Heh, he, he, ^oov Homer. 

Hoy, Nay though you laugh nowv 'twill be my turn e're long : Oh 
women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mifchievous than 

their Monkeys, and to me almoft as ugly now is fhe throwing my 

things about, and rifling all I have, but I'll get in to her the back way, 
and fo rifle her for it — • 

Sir. Jaff' Hah, ha, ha, poor angry Horner. 

Hor. Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you prefently, I warrant. 

{Exit Horner at t'^other door. 

Sir. Jafp. Wife, my Lady Fidget.^ Wife, CSir Jafper calls throngh the 
he is coming into you the back way. <? door to his Wife^(heanfwers 

C from within. 

La. Fid. Let him come, and welcome, which way he will. 

Sir. Jafp. He'll catch you, and ufe you roughly, and be too ftrong 
for you. 

La. Fid. Don't you trouble your felf, let him if he can. 

Qnack. [^Behind.^ This indeed I cou'd not have belie v'd from him, 
nor any but my own eyes. 

Enter Adiftrifs Squeamilh. 

Squeam. Where's this Woman-hater, this Toad, this ugly, greafie 
dirty Sloven ? 

Sir. Jafp. So the women all will have him ugly, methinks he is a comely 
perfon ^ but his wants make his form contemptible to 'em ^ and 'tis e'en 
as my Wife faid yefterday, talking of him, that a proper handfome Eu- 
nuch, was as ridiculous a thing, as a Gigantick Coward. 

Squeam. Sir Jafper .^ your Servant, where is the odious Beafl: ? 

Sir. Jafp. He's within in his Chamber, with my Wife 5 (he's playing 
the wag with him. 

Squeam. Is fhe fo, and he's a clownifti beafl, he'll give her no quar- 
ter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you ; come, let's go 
help her What, the door's lock't ? 

Sir. Jafp. Ay, my Wife lock't it 

Squeam. Did (he fo, let us break it open then ? 

Sir. Jafp. No, no, hell do her no hurt. 

Squeam. No- But is there no Other way to get into 'em, whither 

goes this ? 1 will difturb 'em. {_Afide. 

{Exit Squeamifll at another door. 
Enter old Lady SquQamifh. 

OldL. Squeam. Where is this Harlotry, this impudent Baggage, this 
rambling Tomrigg ? O Sir Jafper^ I'm glad to fee you here, did yoa 
not fee my vil'd Grandchild come in hither juft now.** 

Sir. Jafp. Yes. 

OldL. Squeam. Ay, but where is fhe then ? where is fhe ? Lord Sir 
Jafper I have e'en ratled my felf to pieces in purfuit of her, but can 
you tell what fhe makes here, they lav below, no woman lodges here. 

Sir. Jafp. No. * OldL, 

The Country-Wife. 49 

OldL, Squeam. No What does ftie here then.? fay li'it be not a 

womans lodging, what makes (he here f but are you fure no woman 
lodges here ? 
Sirjaf, No, nor no man neither, this is Mr. Horner*s Lodging. 
Old L. Squeam, Is it fo are you fure ? 
Sir Jaf. Yes, yes. 

Old L. Squeam. So then there's no hurt in't I hope, but where is he ? 
Sir Jaf. He's in the next room with my Wife. 
-Old L. Squeam. Nay if you truft him with your wife, I may with my 
Biddy, they fay he's a merry harmlefs man now, e'en as harmlefs a man 
as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty harmlefs com- 
pany for a Lady, as a Snake without his teeth. 
Sir Jaf. Ay, ay. Poor man. 

Enter Mrs. Squeamidj. 
Squeam. I can't find 'em — -Oh are you here, Grandmother, I fol- 
lowM you mufl: know my Lady Fidget hither, 'tis the prettyeft lodging, 
and I have been flaring on the prettyeft Pictures. 
Enter Lady Fidget with apiece of China in her h and^ and Horntr folloming. 

La. Fid, And I have been toy ling and moyling, for the pretti'ft piece 
of China, my Dear. 

Eior. Nay (he has been too hard for me do what I cou'd. 
Squeam. Oh Lord Pie have fome China too, good Mr. Horner, don't 
think to give other people China, and me none, come in with me 
' too. 

Hor. Upon my honour I have none left now» 

Squeam. Nay, nay, I have known you deny your China before now, but 

you fhan'c put me ofFfo, come . 

Hor. This Lady had the laft there. _ ^ 

La. Fid. Yes indeed. Madam, to my certain knowledge he has no 
more left. 
Squeam. O but it may be he may have fome you could not find. 
La. Fid. What d'ye think if he had had any left, I wou'd not have had 
it too, for we women of quality never think we have China enough. 

Hot. Do not take it ill, I cannot make China for you all, but I will 
have a Rol waggon for you too, another time. 
Squeam. Thank you dear Toad. {To^iiovR. apde. 

La, Fid. What do you mean by that promife ? 
Hor. Alas fhe has an innocent, literal ^ Apart to Lady 

underftanding. i.f^i^ge''' 

Old L. Squeam. Poor Mv. Horner, he l|as enough to do to pleafe you all 
I fee. 
Hor. Ay Madam, you fee how they ufe me. 
Old L. Squeam. Poor Gentleman! pity you 

Hor. I thank you Madam, I cou'd never find pity, but from fuch re- 
verend Ladies as you are, the young ones will n^ivet fpare a man. 

5^«e^;«. Come, come, Beaft,. and go dine with us, for we fhail want 
a man at Horabre after dinner. 

H ^or. 

JO The Country-Wife. 

Hor. That^s all their ufeofme Madam you feet 

SqHeam. Come Sloven, Tie lead you^ to be ^PuUs him hy the 

fureofyou ^ \ Crevat, 

Old L. Squeam, Alas poor man how (he tuggs him,kifs, kifs her^that's 
the way to make fuch nice women quiet. 

Hor. No Madam, that Remedy is worfe than the torment, they knov?* 
I dare fufFer any thing rather than do it. 

Old L. Sqneam. Prychee kifs her, and I'le give you her Figure in lit- 
tle, that you admir'd fo laft night, prythee do. 

Hor. Well nothing but that could bribe me, I love a woman only in 

Effigie, and good painting, as much as I hate them I'le do'c, for I 

eou'd adore the Devil well painted. [^Kijfes Mrs. Squeam. 

Squeam. Foh, you filthy^ Toad, nay now I've done jefting. 

Old L. Squeam. Ha, ha, ha, / told you fo. 

Sqneam. Foh, a kifs of his- . 

5/r. J^/ Has no more hurt in't than one of my Spaniels, 

Squeam. Nor no more good neither. 

Quacks I will now believe any thing he tells me. ^Behind. 

Enter Mr, Pinchwife. 

La. Fid. O Lord here's a man, Sir Jafper^ my Mask, my Mask» I 
wou'd not be feen here for the world. 

Sir Jaf. What not when I am with you. 

jL^. F/i/. No, no, my honour— let'^sbegone. 

Sqneam. Oh Grandmother, let us be gone, makehafte, maiehafte, I 
know not how he may cenfure us. ^ 

La. Fid. Be found in the lodging of any thing like a man, away. 

{Exeunt Sir J^Lf. La. Fid. Old La. 
Squeam. Mrs, Squeamifh. 

Qnack, What's here, another Cuckold — he looks lik one» and none 
elfe fure have any bufinefs with him. ^Behind. 

Hor. Well, what brings my dear friend hither? 

Mr. Finch. Your impertinency. 

Hor* My impertinency—— why you Gentlemen that have got hand- 
fome Wives, think you have a priviledge of faying any thing to your 
friends, and are as brutifh, as if you were our Creditors. 

Mr. Pinch, No Sir, He ne're truft you any way. 

Hor. But why not, dear Jach^ why difBde in me^thou know'ft fo well? 

Mr. Pin. Becaufe I do know you fo well. 

Hor. Han't 1 been always thy friend> honeft Jack^ alwayes ready to 
ferve thee, in love or battel, before thou wert married, and am fo ftill i 

Mr. Pin. I believe fo you wou'd be my fecond now indeed. 

Hor. Well then dear Jackj, why fo unkind, fo grum, fo ftrange to me, 
come prythee kifs me dear Rogue, gad / was always / fay, and am ftill 
as much thy Servant as 

Mr. Pin. As 1 am yowrs Sir; What you wou'd fend a kifs to my Wife. 
is that it ? 

Hor. So there 'tis ■ a man can't fliew his friendlhip to a mar- 


The Country-Wife^ 51 

ried man, butprefcntly he talks of his wife to you ; prythee let thy 
Wife alone, and let thee and' I be all one, as we were wont, what thou 
art as ihye of my kindnefs, as a Lumbard-ftreet Alderman of a Courtiers 
civility at Lockets. 

Mr, Pin. But you are over kind to me, as kind, as if I were your 
Cuckold already, yet I muft confefs you ought to be kind and civil to 
me, fince I am fo kind, fo civil to you, as to bring you this, look you 
there Sir. ^Delivers him a Letter, 

i/or. What is't? 

Mr. Pinch. Only a Love Letter Sir. 

Hor, From whom how, this is from your Wife hum 

'. — -—and hum £Reads. 

Mr. Pin. Even from my Wife Sir, am I not wondrous kind and civil 
to you, now too ? 
But you'l not think her fo. £J:Jide. 

Bor, Ha, is this a trick of his or hers.? Z.^fide, 

Mr. Pin. The Gentleman's fnrpriz'd I find, what you expeded a kin- 
der Letter / 

Hor. No faith not I, howcou'dl? 

Mr. Pin. Yes, yes, I'm fure you did *, a man fo well made as you 
are muft needs be difappointed, if the women declare not their paffion 
at firft fight or opportunity. 

Hor. But what fhou'd this mean ? ftay, the Poflfcript. 
Be fure you love me whatfoever my Husband fays to the contrary , and 
let him not fee this, left he fliould come home, and pinch me, or kill my 
Squirrel. {Reads ajtde. 

It feems he knows not what the Letter contains C^^*^* 

Mr. Pin. Come ne're wonder at it fo much. 

Hor. Faith / can't help it. 

Mr. Pin. Now I think I have deferv'd your infinite friendlhip, and 
kindnefs, and have (hewed my felf fuflSciently an obliging kind friend 
and husband, am /not fo, to bring a Letter from my Wife to her 
Gallant ? 

Hor. Ay, the Devil take me, art thou, the moft obliging, kind friend 
and husband in the world, ha, ha. 

Mr. Pin. Well you may be merry Sir, but in fhort I muft tell you Sir, 
my honour will fuffer no jefting. 

Hor. Whatdo'ft thou mean? 

Mr. Pin. Does the Letter want a Comment ^ then know Sir, though 
I hav^been fo civil a husband as to bring you a Letter from my Wife, 
to let you kifs and court her to my face, / will not be a Cuckold Sir, 
1 will not. 

Hor. Thou art mad with jsalbufie, / never fa w thy Wife in my life, 
but at the Play yefterday, and / know not if it were fhe or no ; / court 
her, kifs her! 

Mr. Pin. I will not be a Cuckold / fay, there will be danger in making 
me a Cuckold. 

H 2 Hor. 

52 The Country-Wife. 

Hot, Why, wert thou not well cur'd of thy laft clap f 

Mr. Tin. I wear a Sword. 

Hor. It fhould be taken from thee, left thou ihould'ft do thy felf a 
mifchiefwithic, thou art mad, Man. 

Mr. Pifi/\\s mad as I am, and asmerry^as you are, I muft have more 
reafon from you e're we part, I fay again, though youkifs'd, and courted 
laft night my Wife in man's clothes, as Ihe confefes, in her Letter. 

Hor, Ha- t^JIde, 

Mr. Tin. Both Ihe and I fay you muft not defign it again, for you have 
miftaken your woman, as you have done your man. 

Hor. Oh — I underftand fomething now* • l^Afde. 

Was that thy Wife ? why would'ft not thou tell me 'twas (he.? faith my 
freedom with her was your fault, not mine. 

Mr. Tin. Faith fo 'twas— Z^fide. 

Hor. Fye, I'de never do't to a woman before her husbands face, fure. 

Mr. Tin. But I had rather you Ihou'd do't to my Wife before my face, 
. than behind my back, and that you (hall never do. 

Hor. No —you will hinder mc 

Mr. Tin. If I wou'd not hinder you, you fee by her Letter (he wou'd. 

Hor. Well, i-muft e'en acquiefce then, and be contented with what 
(he writes. 

Mr. Tin. I'le affure ycm 'twas voluntarily writ, I had no hand in't you 
may believe m^. 

Hor. I do believe thee, faith. 

Mr. Tin. And believe her too, for (he's an innocent creature, has no 
dilTembling in her, and fo fare you well Sir. 

Hor. Pray however prefent my humble feirvice to her, and tell her 
/ will obey her Letter to a tittle, and fulfill her defires, be what they 
will, or with what difficulty foever I do't, and you (hall be no more jea- 
lous of me, / warrant her, and you 

Mr. Tin. Well then fare you well, and play with any mans honour 
but mine, kifs any mans wife but mine, and Welcome^ — ■ — : — 

\^Exit Mr. Pin. 

Hor, Ha, ha, ha, Dodor. 

Qnack^. It feems he has not heard the report of you, or does not be- 
lieve it ? 

Hor, Ha, ha, now DocH-or what think you f 

Qnack^ Pray let's fee the Letter hum for dear 

love you {_Reads the Letter, 

Hor. I wonder how (hecou'd contrive it! what fay'ft thou to't, 'tis 
an Original. 

Qnacki So are your Cuckolds too Originals ' for they are like no other 
common Cuckolds, and 1 will heuceforth believe it not impoflible for 
you to Cuckold the Grand Signior amidft his Guards of Eunuchs, that 
I fay . 

Hor. Atid I fay for the Letter, , 'tis the firft Love Letter that ever 
was without Flaai€s, Darts, Fates, Deftinies, Lying and DilTembling 
ifi't. lE.nter 

The Country-Wife. 55 

Enter Sparkifli pHlling in Mr. Piachwife. 

Sfar, Comeback, you area pretty Brother-in-law, neither go to 
Church, nor to dinner with your Sifter Bride. 

Mr. Fin. My Sifter denies her Marriage, and you fee is gone away 
from you diffatisfy'd. 

Spar. Pfliaw, upon a foolilh fcruple, that our Parfon was not in law- 
ful Orders, and aid not fay all the Common Prayer,but 'tis her modefty 
only I believe, but let women be never fo modeft the firft day, they'i 
be fure to come to themfelves by night, and I fhall have enough of 
her then ; in the mean time, Harry Horner^ you muft dine with me, I 
keep my wedding at my Aunts in the Piazza. 

fJor. Thy wedding, what ftale Maid has liv'd to defpair of a husband, 
or what young one of a Gallant ? 

Spar. O your Servant Sir — this Gentleman's Sifter then • 

No ftale Maid. 

Hor. I'm forry for't. 

Mr. Pi». How comes he fo concern'd for her — «- l^Jfde. 

Spar. You forry for't, why do you know any ill by her ? 

Hor, No, I know none but by thee, 'tis for her fake, not yours, and 
another mans fake that might have hop'd, I thought- . 

Spar. Another man, another man, what is his Name ? 

Hor. Nay, lince 'tis paft he fhall be namelefs. 
VooT Har court I am forry thou haft mift her— X.-^pde. 

Mr. Pin. He feems to be much troubled at the match-^— [^y^Jide, 

Spar. Pry thee tell me —nay you (han't go Brother. 

Mr. Pin. 1 muft of neceffity, but I'le come to you to dinner. 

{^Exit Pinchwife. 

Spar. But Harry^ what have I a Rival in my Wife already ? but with- 
al my heart, for he may be of ufe to me hereafter, for though my hun- 
ger is now my fawce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time 
will come, when a Rival will be as good fawce for a married man to a 
wife, as an Orange to Veal. 

Hor. O thou damn'd Rogue, thou haft fet my teeth on edge with thy 

Spar, Then let's to dinner, there I was with you again, come. 

Hor. But who dines with thee ? 

Spar. My Friends and Relations, my Brother Pinchwife.^ you fee, of 
your acquaintance. 

Hor. And his Wife. 

Spar. No gad, he'll ne'er let her come amongft us good fellows, your 
ftingy country Coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends, as he does his 
little Firkin of Ale, for his own drinking, and a Gentleman can't get 
afmackon't, but his Servants, when his back is turrt?^, broach it at 
their pleafures, and duft it away, ha, ha, ha, gad I am'^witty I think, 
confidering I was married to day, by the world, but come 

Hor. No, 1 will not dine with you, unlefs you can fetch her too. 


54 The Country Wife^ 

spar, pfliaw, what pleafure can'lt thou have with women now, 

Harry ? 

Hor, My eyes are not gone, I love a good profped yet, and will not 
dine with you, unlefs ftie does too, go fetch her therefore, but do not 
tell her husband, 'tis for my fake. 

Spar. Welll'lego try what I can do, in the mean time come away 
to my Aunts lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwife'*s. 

Hot. The poor woman has callM for aid, and ftretchM forth her hand 
Do(n;or, I cannot but help her over the Pale out of the Bryars. 

Q£Arf«»t Sparkifti, Horner, Quack. 
The Scene changes to Pinchwifes hoftfe. 

£;|i",ttf M ^ w^ ^-. /«^, -^ ^-^^ 

Mrs. Pin. Well 'tis e'en fo, I have got the Loftdon difeaie, they call 
Love, I am lick of my Husband, and for my Gallant ^ I have heard 
this diftemper, call'd a Feaver, but methinks 'tis liker an Ague, for 
when I think of my Husband, 1 tremble, and am in a cold fweat, and 
have inclinations to vomit, but when I think of my Gallant, dear Mr, 
Horner^ my hot fit comes, and I am all in a Feaver, indeed, and as in 
other Feavers, my own Chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be 
remov'd to his, and then methinks I fhou'd be well j ah poor Mr. Hor- 
ner^ well I cannot, will not ftay here, therefore I'le make an end of my 
Letter to him, which ihall be a finer Letter than my laft, becaufe I have 
ftudied it like any thing j O Sick, Sick ! JTakes the Pen 

\ and writes. 
Enter Air, Pinchwife, who feeing her writing^ ftealesfoftly behind 
her^ and looking over herjhonlder^ fnatches the paper from her. 
Mr. Pin, What writing more Letters ? 

Mrs. Pin, O Lord Budd, why d'ye fright me tShe offers to run out:ht 
f ? \ flops her^ and reads. 

Mr. Pin. How's this ! nay yon (hall not ftir. Madam. 

Dear, dear, dear, Mr. Horner very well 1 have taught 

you to write Letters to good purpofe but let's ^^q\. 

Firft I am to beg your pardon for my boldnefs in writing to you, which 
I'de have you to know, I would not have done, had not you faid firft 
you lov'd me fo extreamly, which if you do, you will never fufFer me 
to lye in the Arms of another man,whom 1 loath, naufeate,and deteft' — 
CNow you can write thefe filthy words] but what follows— There- 
fore I hope you will fpeedily find fome way to free me from this unfor- 
tunate match, which was never, I afllare you, of my choice, but I'm 
afraid'tisalreadytoo far gone ^ however if you love me, as I do you, 
you will try what you can do, but you muft help me away before to 
morrow, or elfe alas Ifhall be for ever out of your reach, for I can 

defer no longer our- — our what is to follow our ^ 

fpeak what? our Journey into [The Letter cencltides, 

theCountry I fuppofe- -Oh Woman, damn'd Woman, and Love, 

damn'd Love, their old Tempter, fbr this is one of his miracles, in a 


The Country 'Wife: 5^ 

tftomenthc can make thofe blind that cou'd fee, and thofe fee that were 
blind, thofe dumb that could fpeak, and thofe prattle who were dumb 
before, nay what is more than all, make thefe dow-bak'd, fenfekls, in- 
docile animals. Women, too hard for us their Politick Lords arid Ru- 
lers in a moment ^ But make an end of your Letter, and then I'le make 
an end of you thus, and all my plagues together. ^ Draws his 

l^ Sword. 

Mrs. Pin. OLord, O Lord, you are fuch a Paffionate Man, Budd. 

Enter Sparkifli. 

Sftir. How now, what's here to do ? 

Mr. Tin. This Fool here now. 

Sfar. What, drawn upon your wife ? you Ihou'd never do that but at 
night in the dark when you can't hurt her, this is my Sifter in Law, is it 
not ? ay •, faith e'en our Country Margery^ one may ZPdls afide her Hand- 
know her, come fhe and you muft go dine with me,X Kerchief. 
dinner^s ready, come, but where's my Wife, is flie not come home yet, 
where is (he .«" 

Mr. Tin. Making you a Cuckold, 'tis that they all do, as Toon as they 

Sfar. What the Wedding day f no, a Wife that defigns to make a 
Cully oi her Husband, will be fure to let him win the firft ftake of love, 
by the world, but come they ftay dinner for us, come I'le lead down 
our Margery. 

Mrs. Tin. No, Sir go, we'll follow you. 

Sfar. I will not wag without you. 

Mr. Tin. This Coxcomb is a fenfible torment to meamidft the grea- 
teft in the world. 

Sf^. Come,, come Madam Margery. 

Mr. Tin. No, I'le head her my way, yihzt^Leads her to t'^other doory 
wou'd you treat your friends with mine, iQx\andlocki her inland returns, 
want of your own Wife ? 
I am contented my rage fhou'd take breath^ L'^S^* 

Spar. 1 told Norner this. 

Mr. Tin. Come now. 

* Sfar. Lord how fhye you are of your Wife, but let me tell you Bro- 
ther, wemenofwithaveamongllusafaying, that Cuckolding like the 
fmall Pox comes with a fear, and you may keep your Wife as much as 
you will out of danger of infeftion, but if her conftitution incline her 
to't, Ihe'll have it fooner or later by the world, fay they. 

Mr. Tin. What a thing is a Cuckold, that every fool can make him 

ridiculous £Jftde. 

Well Sir But let me advife you, now you are come to be concerned, 

becaufe you iufpeft the danger, not to negled the means to prevent it, 
elpecially when the greatellfliare of the Malady will light upon your 

own head, for- 

How'fere the kind Wife's Belly comes to fwell. 
The Husband breeds for her, and firft is ill : 


5^ ' The Country-Wife^ 


^r. Pinchwife's Houfe, 

£«^er Mr.Pinchwife, <«»^Mrs. Pinchwife. 
A Table and Candle, 

Mr, Tin. f^ Ome, take the Pen and make aa end of the Letter , juft 

V>/ as you intended, if you are falfe in a tittle, I fliall foon 

perceive it, and punilh you with this as youdeferve, ^ Lays his hand on 

write what was to follow let's fee- — - % his Sword. 

£You mull make hafte and help me away before to morrow, or elfe I 

fliall be for ever out of your reach, for lean defer no longer oar ] 

What follows our ? — — 

Mrs. Pin. Mull all out then Budd ?— — -Look ^Mrs. Pin. takes the 
you there then. t Pen and writes, 

Mr. Pin. Let's fee — (For I can defer no longer our — Wedding — 
Your flighted -^//{k^j What's the meaning of this, my Sifters name to't, 
fpeak, unriddle ? 

Mr. Pin. Yes indeed, Budd. 

Mr. Pin. But why her name to't, fpeak- fpeak I fay f* 

Mrs. Pin. Ay but yotfl tell her then again, if you wou'd not tell her 

Mr. Pin. I will not, /amftunn'd, my head turns round, fpsak. 

Mrs. Pin. Won't you tell her indeed, and indeed? 

Mr. Pin. No, fpeak / fay. 

Mrs.Pin. She'll be angry with me, but I had rather (he fiiould be an- 
gry with me than you Budd ; and to tell you the truth, 'twas flie made 
me write the Letter, and taught me what I (hould write. 

Mr. Pin. Ha- / thought the ftile was fomewhat better than 

her own, but how cou'd Ihe come to you to teach you, fince I had 
lock'd you up alone ? 

Mrs. Pin. O through the key-hole, Budd. 

Mr. Pin. But wly Ihou'd ihe make you write a Letter for her to him, 
fince (he can write her felf ? 

Mrs. Pin. Why (he faid becaufe for I was unwilling to do 


*Mr. Pin. Becaufe what becaufe. 

Mrs. Pin, Becaufe left Mr. Horner (hould be cruel, and refufe her, 
or vain afterwards, and (hew the Letter, (he might 'difown it, the hand 
not being hers. 

Mr. Pin. How's this ? ha then I thinki (hall come to my felf 

again- This changeling cou'd not invent this lye, but if (he cou'd, 

why (hould (he ? (he might think I flioqld foon difcover it ftay 


The Country Wife, - %f 

Udw I think on'fe too. Homer faid he was ferry fhe had married Sparkijh^ 
and her difowning her marriage to me, makes me think fhe has evaded it^ 
for Hormrh fake, yet why fhouid ftie take this courfe ? but men in love are 

fools, women may well be fo ^ L-^fide. 

But hark you Madam, your Sifter went out in the morning? and 1 have 
not feen her within fince. 

Mrs.Pin. Alack a day Ihe has been crying all day above it feems in a 
- Mr. Tin. Where is (he, let me fpeak with her. 

Mrs. Pin. O Lord then he'll difcover all — {_Jfide. 

Pray hold Budd, what d'ye mean to difcover me, (he'll know I have 

told you then, pray Budd let me talk with her firft 

Mr. Pin. I muft Ipeak with her to know whether Homer ever made 
her any promife •, and whether fhe be married to Spar^tfi or no. 

Mrs. Pin. Pray dear Budd don't, till I have fpoken with her, and 
told her that I have told you all, for Ihe'll kill me elfe. 
Mr. Pin. Go then, and bid her come out to me. 
Mrs. Pin. Yes, yes Budd- 
Mr. Pin. Let me fee 

Mrs. Pin. I'lego, but fhe is not within to come tb him, 1 have juft 

got time to know of Lncy her Maid, who firft fet me on work, what lye 

I fhall tell next, for I am e'en at my wits end. — Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. 

Mr. Pin. Well I refolve it, Horner fhall have her, I'd rather give 

him my Sifter than lend him my Wife, and fuch an alliance will prevent 

his pretenfions to my Wife fure, I'le make him of kin to her, and 

then he won't care for her. {_ Mrs. Pin. returns. 

Mrs. Pin. O Lord, Budd, I told you what anger you would make me 
with my Sifter. 
Mr, Pin. Won't fhe come hither f 

Mrs. Pin. No, no, alack a day, (he's afham'd to look you in the face, 
and (he fays if you go in to her, (he'll run away down ftairs, and (hame- 
fuUy go her felf to Mr. Horner^ who has promis'd her marriage ihe fays, 

and (he will have no other, fo fhe won't^- 

Mr. Pin. Did he fo — -promife her marriage then (he fhall have 

no other, go tell her fo, and if fhe will come and difcourfe with me a lit- 
tle concerning the means, I will about it immediately, go 

{Exit Mrs. Pin. 
His Eftate is equal to Sparkijh\ and his extrad-ion as much better than 
his, as his parts are, but my chief reafon is, I'd rather be of kin to him 

by the name of Brother-in-law, than that of Cuckold 

Well what fayes fhe now .^ {Enter Mrs. Pin. 

Mrs. Pin, Why fhe fayes fhe would only have you lead her to Hor- 
mr's lodging wiih whom fhe firft will difcourfe the matter before 

ihe talk with you, wl sch yet fhe cannot do ; for alack poor creature, 
flie fays fhe can't fo mucir as look you in the face, therefore fhe'il come 
to you in a mask, and you muft excufeher if fhe make you no anfwer 
to any queftion of yours , till you have brought her to Mr. Jiomer^ 

I and 

58 The Country-Wife. 

and if you will not chide her, norqueftion her, ihe'U come out to you 

Mr, Pin. Let her come-, I will not fpeak a word to her, nor require a 
word from her. 

Mrs. Pin, Oh I forgot, befides fhefays, fhe cannot look you in the 
face, though through a Mask, therefore wou'd delire you to put out the 


Mr. Pin. I agree to all, let her make hafte — f Exit Mrs. Pin. fnts 

there 'ci? out --My cafe is fomething betr^wr, \ out the Candle. 

I'd rather f.ght with /^o^-wr, for not lying with m\ Sifter, than for lying 
with my Wife, and of the two, I had rather find my Sifter too for- 
ward, than my Wife^ /expeded no other from her free education, as 

fhe calls it, and her paffion for the Town-^ —well- Wife and 

Sifter are names which make us exped Love and duty , pleafure and 
comfort, but we find 'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though 
differently troublefome to their keeper •, for we have as much ado to 
get people to lye with our Sifters, as to keep 'em from lying with our 


Enter Mrs. Vmc\m\(Q Masked^ and in Hoods and 

Scarves .y and a night Gown and Petticoat of h\i- 
theas, in the dark^. 
What are you come Sifter ? let us go then — but firft: let me lock up my 
Wife. Mvs. Margery where are you? 
Mrs. Ptn. Here Budd. 

Mr. Pin. Come hither, that / may lock you up, get you in. y Locks the- 
Come Sifter, where are you now. <* \ door. 

j~ Mrj. Pin. gi'ves him her hand^ but when he lets her go., Pie fieals foftly on 
t* other fde ofhim., and is lead away by him for his Sijfer Alithea.^ 
The Scene changes to Horner's Lodgings 
Quack^^ Horner. 
Quack: What all alone, not fo much as one of your Cuckolds hercy 
nor one of their Wives! they ufe to take their turns with you, as if 
they were to watch you. 

Hor. Yes it often happens, that a Cuckold is but his Wifes fpie, and 
is more upon family duty, when he is with her Gallant abroad hindring 
his pleafure, than when he is at home with her playing the Gallant, buE 
the hardeft duty a married woman impofes upon a Lover is keeping her 
Husband company always. 
Qnack^ And his fondnefs wearies you almoft as foon a-s hers.; 
Hor. A Pox, keeping a Cuckold company after you have had his Wife 
is as tirefome as the company of a Country Squire to a witty fehow of 
the Town, when he has got all his Mony. 

Quacks And as at firft a man makes a friend of the Husband to get the 
Wife, foat laft you arc fain to fall out with the Wife to be rid of the 

Hor. Ay, moft Cuckold-makers are true Courtiers, when once a poor^ 
man has crackM his credit for 'em, they can't abide to come 'near him. 


The Country 'Wife, §^ 

Quack. But at firft to draw him in ar& fo (\Nttti fo kind, fo dear, juft 
as you are to Pmchwife^ but wliac becomes of that intrigue with his 
Wife ? 

Bor. A Pox he's as furly as an Alderman that has been bit, and 
fince he's fo coy, his Wife's kindnefs is in vain, for Ihe's a filly in- 

Qfiacki Did (he not fend you a Letter by him ? 

Hor. Yes, but that's a riddle I have not yet folv'd - - allow the 

poor creature to be willing , (he is filly too, and he keeps her up fo 

Quack. Yes, fo clofe that he makes her but the more willing, and adds 
but revenge to her love, which two when met feldom fail of fatisfying 
each other one way or other. 

Hor. What here's the man we are talking of I think. 

Enter Mr, Pinch wife hading in his Wife mafqited, mnfledy 
and in her Sifter"^ s Gown. 

Hor. Pfhaw. 

Quacks Bringing his Wife to you is the next thing to bringing a Love 
Letter from her. 

Hor. What means this? 

Mr. Pin. The laft time you know Sir I brought you a love Letter, now 
you fee a Miftrefs, I think you'l fay I am a civil man to you. 

Hor. Ay the Devil take me will 1 fay thou art the civilleft man I ever 
met with, and I have known fome \ \ fancy, I underftand thee now, bet- 
ter thanl did the Letter, but hark thee in thy ear — ^— 


Hor, Nothing but the ufual quellion man, is (he found on thy word ? 

Mr, Pin. What, you take her for a Wench,and me for a Pimp ? 

Hor. Pfhaw, Wench and Pimp, paw words, 1 know thou art an honeft 
fellow, and had: a great acquaintance among the Ladies, and per- 
haps haft made love for me rather than let me make love to thy 
Wife- . 

Mr. Pin. Come Sii:, in fhort, I am for no fooling. 

Hor. Nor I neither, therefore prithee let's fee her face prefently, 
make her ftiow man:, art ihou fure I don't know her ? 

Mr. Pin. lam fure you do know her. 

Hor. A pox why dofb thou bring her to me then ? 
. Mr. Pin. Becaufe fhe's a Relation of mine. 

Hor. Is Ihe faith man, then thou art Itill more civil and obliging, dear 

Mr. Pin. Who defirM me to bring her to you. 

Hor. Then (he is obiioing, dear Rogue. 

yl^r.P/i«. Yjju'l ii^ake her welcome for roy_ fake I hope. 

Hor. I hope flic is handfome enough to make her felf welcome •, pry- 
thee let her unmask. 
Ij^ Mr, Pin. Do you fpeak to her, fhe wou'd never be rui'd by me. 

I 2 Hor. 

go The Country-Wife, 

Hor. Madam ' C^^-^. Pin. wUffCfs to Hbr 

She fays (he mufl: fpeak with me in private, withdraw, prythee. 
Mr. Tin. She's unwilling it feems I (hou'd know all her undecent con- 

dud in this bufinefs {^Afide, 

Well then I'le leave you together, and hope when I am gone you'l agree^ 

if not you and I fhan't agree Sir. — 

Hor, What means the Fool ? — if fhe and I agree 'cis no matter what 
you and I do. 

[Whifpers to Mrs. Pin, who makes pgns with her hand for 
him to be gone, ] 
Mr. Tin. In the mean time i'le fetch a Parfon, and find out Sparl^Jh 
and difabufe him. 

You wou'd have me fetch a Parfon, would you not, well then - 

Now I think 1 am rid of her, and fliall have no more trouble with her 
— Our Sifters and Daughters like Ufurers money, are fafeft, when pufe 
out ; but our Wives, like their writings, never fafc, but in our ClofsJts 
under Lock and Key. 

Z,Exit Mr, Pin. 
Enter Boy. 
Boy. Sir 'gaffer Fidget Sir is coming up. 

Hor. Here's the trouble of a Cuckold, now we are talking of, a pox 
on him, has he not enough to do to hinder his Wife's Iport, but he muft 
other woraens too — Step in here Madam- \^Exk Mrs, Pin. 

Enter Sir Jafper. 
Sir Jaf. My beft and deareft Friend. / 

ii/or. The old ftile,,Doa:or 

Well be ftiort, for I am bufie, what would your impertinent Wife have 
now ? 
Sir Jaf. Well guefs'd y 'faith, for I do come from her. 
Hor. To invite me to fupper, tell her I can't come, go. 
Sir Jaf. Nay, now you are out faith, for my Lady and the whole 
knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themfelves, arerefolv'd upon a 
frolick of coming to you to night in a Mafquerade, and are all dreft al- 

Hor. I fhan't be at home. , 

Sir Jaf. Lord how churlifli he is to women nay prythee don't 

difappoint 'em, they'l think 'tis my fault, prythee don't, I'le fend in the 
Banquet and the Fiddles, but make no noifc on't, for the poor virtuous 
Rogues would not have it known for the world, that they go a Mafque- 
rading, and they would come to no mans Ball, but yours. 

Hor. Well, well^ 'get you gone, and tell 'em if they come, 'twil! 

be at the peril of their honour and yours. 

Sir Jaf. Heh, he, he— we'll truft you for that, farewell 

Hor, Dodtor anon you too fhall be my gueft, 
But now I'm going to a private feaft. 


The Country-Wife. £^i 

The Seem changes to the Piaz.z.a of Covent Garden. 
Sparkijh, Pinchwife. 

Spar. But who would have thought a woman could CSpar.n?/?/? the Let- 
JhaveL been falfe tome, by the world, I could not have^ ter in hi^ hand. 
thought it. 

Mr.Vin^Qyx were for giving and takingLiberty,flie has taken it only Sir, 
now you find in thaLLetter,you are a frank perron,& fo is fhe you lee there. 

Spar. Nay, if this be her hand — fori never faw it. 

Mr. Tin. 'Tisno matter Whether that be her hand or no, I am fure 
this hand at her defireled her to Mr. Horner^ with whom I left her julfc 
now, to go fetch aParfonto'em at their defire too, to deprive you of her 
for ever, for it feems yours was but a mock marriage. 

5;;^r.Indeed fhe wou'd needs have it that ^tv^asHarcourt himfelf in aPar- 
fbns Habit,that married usjbut I'm fure he told me 'twas his Brother Ned. 

Mr. Pin. O there 'tis out, and you were deceiv'd not fhe, for you 
are fuch a frank perfon — but I muft be gone — you'l find her at MrMor- 
ner'^s^ go, and believe your eyes. {Exit Mr. ?m. 

Spar. Nay Pie to her and call her as many Crocodiles* Syrens, Harpies, 
and other heathenifli names, as a Poet would do a Miftrefs, who had 
refus'd to hear his fuit, nay more his Verfes on her. 
But ftay, is not that Ihe following a Torch at t'other end of the Piazza, ^ 

and from Horner* s certainly ^'tis fo 

Enter h\ii\\Q2i following a Torch^ and Lncy behind. 
You are well met Madam, though you don't think fo ^ what you have, 
made a (hort vilic to Mr. Horner ^ but I fuppofe you^l return to him 
prefently, by that time the Parfon can be with him. 

AH. Mr. Horner, and the Parfon Sh: 

Spar. Come Madam, no more diflembling, no more jilting, for I am^ 
no more a frank perfon. 

Mth. How's this ? 

Lucy. So, 'twill work I fee £Jftde. 

_ Spar. Cou'd you find out no eafie Country Fool to abufe ? noBe bu£ 
me, a Gentleman of wit and Pleafure about the Town ? but it was your 
pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy falfe woman, falfe 
as a friend that lends a man money to lofe, falfe as dice, who undo thofe 
that truft all they have to 'em. 

Lucy. He has been a great bubble by his fimilies as they fay. 


^li. You have been too merry Sir at your wedding dinner fure. 

Spar. What d'ye mock me too/" 

Alt. Or you have been deludec|. ^ 

Spar. By you. 

Alt. Let me underiland you. 

Spar. Have you the confidence, I Ihould call it fomsthing elfe, fince 
you know your guilt, to ftand my juft reproaches ? you did not write 
an impudent Letter to Mr. Horner^ who I find now has club'd with you 
in deluding me with his averlion for women, that I mighl not forfooth 
fuiped him for my Rivals Lwy, 

\% The Country Wife i 

Lucy. D'y think the Gentleman can be jealous now Madam. 

M. I write a Letter to Mr. Hormr \ y -^ 

S^ar. Nay Madam, do not deny it, your Brother (hew'd it me. full 
now, and told me like wife he left you at //or^zer'j lodging to fetch a 
Parfon, to marry you to him, and 1 wifti you joy Madam, joy, joy, 
and to him too, much joy, and to my felf more joy for not marrying 

Mi. So I find my Brother would break off the match, and I can 
confent to't, fince / fee this Gentleman can be made jealous. X,^fide. 
O Lucy, by his rude ufage and jealoufie, he makes me almoft afraid / 
am married to him, art thou fure 'twas i^^rro^r? himfeif, and no Parfon 
that married us ? ^ 

5p^r. No Madam, I thank you, I fuppofe that was a contrivance too 
of Mr. //omer'j and yours, to make /:/<«r«;o//yf play the Parfon,' but / 
would as little as you have him one now, no not for the world, for 
fhall I tell you another truth, / never had any paflion for you, 'till now,, 
for now I hate you, *tis true / might have married your portion, 
as other men of parts of the Town do fometimes, and fo your Servant, 
and to (hew my unconceniednefs, I'le come to your wedding, and relign 
you with as much joy as 1 would a ftale wench to a new Cully, nay with 
as much joy as /would after the firfl night, if/ had been married to you, 
there's for you, and fo your Servant, Servant. 

\_Exit Spar. 
Mi. How was I deceiv'd in a man ! 

Lucy. You'l believe then a fool may be made jealous now ? for that 
eafinefs in him that fuffers him to be led by a Wife, will likewife per- 
mit him to be perfwaded againft her by others. 

Mi. But marry Mr. Horner^ my Brother does not intend it fure \ 
if / thought he did, / would take thy advice, and Mr. Harconn for 
my Husband, and now 7 wi(h, that if there be any over-wife woman of 
the Town, who like me would marry a fool, for fortune, liberty or 
title, firfl that her husband may love Play, and be a Cully to all the 
Town, but her, and fufFer none but fortune to be miftrefs of his purfe, 
then if for liberty, that he may fend her into the Country under the 
condud of fomehoufewifely mother-in-law j and if for title, may the 
world give 'era none but that of Cuckold. 
Lucy. And for her greater Curfe Madam, may he not deferve it. 

Mi. Away impertinent is not this my old Lady Lamerks ? 

Lncy. Yes Madam. And here / hope we Ihall find Mr. Bar court 

[;£^e«»f Ali.Lucy. 

The Scene changes again to Horner's Lodging. 
Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, Mrs. Squeamifii, a Table^ 
■ Banquet and Bottles. 
Hor. A Pox they are come too foon— -^-r^before I have fent back my 

new Miftrefs, all I have now to do, is to lock her in, that they may 


: - ; The Country 'Wife: ^j 

not fee her — \lAftde, 

La.t^d. That we may be fure of our welcome, we have brought 
our entertainment with us, and are refolvM to treat thee, dear Toad. 

Bayn. And that we may be merry topurpafe, have left Sir J^yper 
and my old L^idy S^Heamifi quarrelling at home at Eaggammon. 
• Squeam. Therefore let us make ufe of our tiaie, left they fhould chance 
to interrupt us. 

La. Fid. Let us fit then. 

Hor. Firftthat you may be private, let me lock this door, and that.^ 
and Pie wait upon you prefently. 

La. Fid. No Sir, fhut'emonly and your lips for ever, for we mull 
truft you as much as our women. 

Hor. You know all vanity's kill'dinme, I have no occa (ion for talk- 

La, Fid. Now Ladies, fuppofingwe had drank each of us our two 
Bottles, let us fpeak the truth of our hearts. 

Dayn. and Squeam. Agreed. 

La, Fid. By this brimmer, for truth is no where elfe to be founds 
Not in thy heart falfe man. £/4/ide to Hov. 

Hor. You have found me a true man I*m fure. Z^ffde to Lady Fid, 

La. Fid. Not every way— *— _ L^fide t& Hor^ 

But let us fit and be merry. 

Lady Fidget yw^j. 


Why jhould our damrPd Tyrants oblige us to live 
On the pittance of Pleafure which they only give ? 

We mfifi not rejoyce.. 

With Wine and with noife. 
In vain we mnfl wake in a dull bed alone .^ 
Whilfl to our warm Rival the Bottle they'^re gone. 

Then lay afde Charms^ 

uind tak^ Hp the fe arms*, *TheGlaIl€S. 

^ '■• v'-, 2. - , 

^Tis Wim only gives ''em their CoHrage and Wit.^ 
Eecauje we live fober to memve/nbrnit, 
' ' : If for Be amies you'd pafs^ 

Take a Uck^ of the Glafs-, 
''Twill merid your completions .^ and when they are g^m^t 
The be (t jed we have is the red of the Grdfe, 
Then Siflers lay*t on^ 
, And^dawa good piape, 

" Bap. Dear Brimmer, well in token of our openncfs and plain dealing, 
let us throw our Mafoues over our heads. 


^4 ^^^ Country 'Wife* 

Hoy. So 'twill come to the Glafles anon. 

Squeam. Lovely Brimmer, let me enjoy him firft. 

La. Fid, No, I never part with a Gallant, till I've try'd him. Deaf 
Brimiiier that mak'fl our Husbands fhort-fighted. 

Dayn. And our bafhful g,aUants bold . 

Squeam. And for want of a Gallant, the Butler lovely in our eyes, 
drink Eunuch. 

L(t. Ftd. Drink thou reprefentative of a Husband, damn a Husband. 

Dayn, And asifi were a Husband, an old keeper. 

Sqneam, And an old Grandmother. 

ii/or. And an Englifti Bawd, and a French Chirurgeon. 

La. Fid. Ay we have all reafbn to curfe 'em. 

Hor. For my fake Ladies. 

La, Fid. No, for our own, for the firft fpoils all young Gallants 

Dayn. And the others art makes 'em bold only with common wo* 

Squeam. And rather run the hazard of the vilediftemper amongft them, 
than of a denial amongft us. 

Dayn. The filthy Toads chufe Miftrefles now, as they do Stuffs, for 
having been fancy'd and worn by others. 

Squeam, For being common and cheap. 

La. Fid. Whilft women of quality, like the richeft Stuffs lye untumb- 
ieid, and unask'd for. 

Hor. Ay neat, and cheap, and new, often they think beft. 

Dayn. No Sir, the Beafts will be known by a Miftrefs longer than 
by a fuit. 

Sqfieam. And 'tis not for cheapnefs neither. 

La. Fid. No, for the vain fopps will take up Druggets, and em- 
broider 'em, but I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men,they 
ufe to be out of the common road, and hate imitation, pray tqll me 
beaft, when you were a man, why you rather chofe to club with a 
multitude in a common houfe, for an entertainment, than to be the on- 
ly gueft at a good Table. 

Hor. Why faith ceremony and expedation are unfufterable to thole 
that are Iharp bent, people always eat with the beft ftomach at an 
ordinary, where every man is fnatching for the beft bit. 

La. Ftd, Though he get a cut over the fingers but I have heard 

people eat moft heartily of another man's meat, that is, what they 
do not pay for. 

Hor. When they are fure of their wellcome and freedome, for cere- 
mony in love and eating, is as ridiculous as in fighting, falling on brisk- 
ly is all Ihould be done in thofe occafions. 

La. Fid. Well then let me tell you Sir, there is no where more free- 
dome than in our houfes,^ and we take freedome from a young perfbn 
as a fignof good breeding, and a perfon may be as free as « he pleafes 
with us, asfrolick, as gamefome, as wild as hewilL , 'r 

* ~ Hor, 

The Country-Wife. 6^ 

Hot. Han't I heard you all declaim againft wild mea? 
I La. Fid. Yes, but for all that, we think wildnefs in a man, as defire- 
able a quality, as in a Duck, or Rabbet ; a tame man, foh. 

Hor. I know not, but your reputations frightned me, as much as your 
Faces invited rae. 

La. Fid. Our Reputation, Lord ! Why (hould you not think, that we 
women make ufe of our Reputation, as you men of yours, only to de- 
ceive the world with lefs fufpieion ; our virtue is like the States- man's 
Religion, the Quakers Word, the Gamefters Oath, and the Great Mans 
Honour, but to cheat thofe that truft us. 

Squeam. And that Demurenefs, Coynefs, and Modefty, that you fee 
in our Faces in the Boxes at Plays, is as much a fign of a kind wonian^ 
as a Vizard-mask in the Pit. 

Dayn. For I affure you, women are leafl mask'd, when they have 
the Velvet Vizard on. 

La, Fid. You wou'd have found us modelt women in our denyals 

Squeam. Our bafhfulnefs is only the refled:ion of the men's. 

Dayn. We blulh, when they are fhame-fac*d. 

Hor. I beg your pardon Ladies, I was deceiv'd in you deviliihly, buS 
why, that mighty pretence to Honour ? 

La. Fid. We have told you •, but fometimes 'twas for the fame reafon 
' you men pretend bufinefs of cen, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better 
and more privately thofe you love. 

Hor. But why wouM you ne'er give a Friend a wink then. '' 

La. Fid. Faith your Reputation frightned us as much, as ours did you, 
you were fo notorioufly Iv wd. 

Hor. And you fofeemingly honeft. 
1^ La.Fid. Was that all that dt-teir'd you? • 

i/or. And fo expenfive -you allow freedom you fay ? 

La. Fid. Ay, ay. ' 

Hor. That I was afraidoflofingmy little money, as well as my little 
time, both which my other pleafures required. 

La. Ftd. Money, foh — you talk like a little ftllow now, do fuch as 
we exped money .'' 

Hor. I beg your pardon, Madam, I mull confefs, I have heard that 
great Ladies, like great Merchants, fet but the higher p: izesupon what 
they have, becaufe they are not in necefiTity of taking the firft offer. 

Dayn. Such as we, make fail of our hearts .? 

Squeam. We brib'd for our Love ? Foh. 

Hor. With your pardon, Ladies, I know, like great men in. Offices, 
• you feem to exad flattery and attendance only from your Followers, 
- but you have receivers about you, and fuch fees to pay, a man is afraid 
to pafs your Grants ^ befides we mufl: kr you win at Cards,or we lofe your 
hearts j and if you make an alTignauon, 'tis at a Goldfmiihs, Jewellers, 
or China-houfe, where for your Honour, you depolitto him, he muft 
pawn his, to the pundual Cite, and fo paying for what you take up, pays . 
for what he takes up. K Dayn. 

gg The Country-Wife. 

Dayn. WouM you not have us afTur'd of our Gallants Love I 

SqHeam. For Love is better known by Liberality, than by Jealoufie; : 

La. Fid. For one may be difTembled, the other not rbut my Jea- 

loufies can be no longer diiTembled, and they are telling-ripe. {_Jfide, 
Gome here's to our Gallants in waiting, whom we muft name, and I'll 
begin, this is my falfe Rogue. {CU^s him on the hack^. 

Squenm. How ! . 

ifor. So all will out now. — — 

Sqaeam. Did you not tell me, 'twas fot liiy fake only, you reported 
your felf no man ? \iAfide to Horner. 

Dayn. Oh Wretch ! did you not fwear to me, 'twas for my Love, 
and Honour, you pafs'd for that thing you do ? ^AJide to Horner. 

Hor. So,fo. 

La. Fid. Come fpeak Ladies, this is my falfe Villain. 

Squeam. And mine too. 

Dayn. And mine. 

Hor. Weil then, you are all three my falfe Rogues too, and there's 
an end on't. 

La. Fid. Well then, there's no remedy , Sifter (harers, let us not 
fall out, but have a care of our Honour 5 though we get no Prefents, 
no Jewels of him , we are favers of our Honour, the Jewel of moft 
value and ufe, which fhines yet to the world unfufpeded, though it be 

Hor. Nay, and is e'en as good as if it were true, provided the 
world think fo ^ for Honour, like Beauty now, only depends on the 
opinion of others. 

La. Fid. Well Horry Common, I hope you can be true to three, fwear, 
but 'tis to no purpofe, to require your Oath ^ for you are as often for- 
fworn, as you fwear to new women. 

Hor. Com^, faith Madam, let us e'en pardon one another, for all the 
difference I find betwixt we men, and you women, we forfwear our 
felves at the beginning of an Amour, you, as long as it lafts. 
Enter Sir Jafper Fidget, ajid old Lady Squeamifh. 

Sirjaf. Oh my Lady f ^W^ef, was this your cunning, to come to Mr. 
Horner without me f but you have been no where elfe I hope. 

La. Fid. No, Sir Jafper. 

Old La. Squeam. And you came ftreight hither Biddy. 

Squeam. Yes indeed, Lady Grandmother. 

Sir Jaf, 'Tis well, 'tis well, I knew when once they were throughly 
acquainted with poor Horner^ they'd ne'er be from him j you may let 
her mafquerade it with my Wife, and Horner .^ and I warrant her Repui^ 
tation fafe. 

Enter Bey. 

Boy. O Sir, here's the Gentleman come, whom you bid me not 
fuffer to come up, without giving you aotice, with a Lady too, and other 
Geutkmsn - 

The Country-Wife, %j 

Hoy. Do you all go in there, whil'ft I fend 's;m away, and Boy do 
you defire 'em to ftay below 'till I come, which fhall be immediatelyo 

{Exeunt Sir Jafper, Lad. Squeam. Lad. Fidget, 
Miftrefs Dainty^ Squeamifh. 
JSoy, Yes Sir. ^Exit. 

{Exit Horner at t'>other door^ and returns with 
Miflrefs Pinchwife. 

flw. You wou'd not take my advice to be gone home, before your 
Husband came back, he'l now difcover all, yet pray my Dearelt be per- 
fwaded to go home, and leave the reft to my management? Tie let you 
down the back way. 

Mrs. Pin. I don't know the way home, fo I don't, 

Hor. My man fliall wait upon you. 

Mrs. Pin. No, don't you believe that I'll go' at all;, what are you 
weary of me already ? 

Hor, No my life, 'tis that I may love you long, 'tis to fecure my 
love, and yxDur Reputation with your Husband, he'll never receive you 
again elfe. 

Mrs. Pin. What care I, d'ye think to frighten me with that ? I don't 
intend to go to him again ^ you (hall be my Husband now. 

Hor. 1 cannot be your Husband, Deareft, lince you are married to 

Mrs, Pin. O wou'd you make me believe that — ——-don't I fee every 
day at London here, v^omen leave their firft Husbands, and go, and live 
with other men as their Wives? pifh, plhaw, you'd make me angry, but 
that I love you fo mainly. 

Hor. So, they are coming up -In again, in, I h^sr J ^xit Mifirefs 

'em; % Pinchwife. 

Well a filly Miftrefs, is like a weak place, foon got, foon loft, a man 
has fcarce time for plunder; ftie betrays her Husband firft to her Gal- 
lant, and then her Gallant to her Husband. 

Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkilh, 
Lucy, and a Par [on. 

Mr. Pin. Come, Madam, 'cis not the fudden cliange of your drefs, 
the confidence of your affeverations, and your falfe witnefs there, ftiall 
perfwade me, I did not bring you hither, juft now ; here's my witnefs, 

who cannot deny it, fince you muft be confronted — -Mr. Horner^ 

did not I bring this Lady to you juft now ? 

Hor. Now muft I wrong one woman for anothers fake, but that's no 
new thing with me •, for in thefe cafes I am ftill on the criminals fide, 
againft the innocent. [^Afide. 

Alith. Pray fpeak. Sir. 

Hor. It muft be fo / muft be impudent, and try my luck, impu- 
dence ufes to be too hard for truth. {_Afide. 
Mr. Pin. What you are ftudying an evalion, or excufe for her. Speak 

Hor, No faith, I am fomethirg backward only, to fpeak in womens 
affairs of difputcs. K 2 Mr. Pin, 

6S The Country-Wife. 

Mr. Pin. She bids you fpeak. 

JUth. Ay, pray Sir do, pray fatisfie him. 

Hor. Then truly, you did bring that Lady to me juft now. 

Mr. Pin. O ho^ 

'Alkh. How, Sir 

Har. How, Horner ! 

j4lith. What mean you Sir, I always took you for a man of Honour ? 

Hor. Ay, fo much a man of Honour, that I muft fave my Miltrifs, I 
thank you, come what will on't. \^Afide. 

Spar. So if I had had her, fheM have made me believe, the Moon had 
been made of a Chriltmas pye. 

Lucy. Now couM I fpeak if I durft, and folve the Riddle, who am the 
Author of it. ^ £u4/ide. 

Alith. O unfortunate Woman ! a combination againfl: my Honour, 
which moll concerns me now, becaufe you fhare in my difgrace. Sir, 
and it is your cenfure which 1 mult now fufFer, that troubles me, not 

Har. Madam, then have no trouble, you Ihall now fee 'tis polTible 
for me to love too, without being jealous, 1 will not only believe your 

innocence my felf, but make all the world believe it 

Horner I muft now be concern'd for this Ladies Honour. [^J^art to Hor. 

Hor. And I muft be concern'd for a Ladies Honour too. 

Har. This Lady has her Honour, and I will proted: it. 

Hor. My Lady has not her Honour, but has given it me to keep, and 
I will preferve it. 

Har, I underftand you not. 

Hor, 1 wou'd not have you. 

Mrs. Tin. What's the matter with 'em all. 

12 Miflrefs Plnchwife peeping in behind. 

Mr. Pin. Come, come, Mr. Horner^ no more difputing, here's the 
Parfon, I brought him not in vain. 

Hor. No Sir, I'll employ him, if this Lady pleafe. 

Mr. Pin. How, what d'ye mean ? 

Spark, Ay, what does he mean ? 

Hor. Why, I have refign'd your Sifter to him, he has my confent. 

Mr. Pin. But he has not mine Sir, a woman s injur'd Honour, no more 
than a man's, can be repair'd,or fatisfied by any, but him that firft wron- 
ged it j and you ftiall marry her prefently, or — — 

[_Lays his hand on his Sword. 
Enter to them Miflrefs Pinchwife. 

Mifirefs Pin. O Lord, they'll kill poor Mr. Horner, befides he Ihan^c 
marry her, whileft 1 ftand by, and look on, I'll not lofe my fecond 
Husband fo. 

Mr. Pin. What do I fee ? 

Mith. My Sifter in my cloaths ! , . 

Spark, Ha / 

Mrs. Pin. Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the 


The Country-Wife, 6^ 

Parlbn , he fhall marry me to Mr. Borner 5 for now I believe, you have 
enough of me. \_To Mr. Pinchwife. 

Nor. Damn'd, damn'd loving Changeling. 

Mrs. Pin. Pray Sifter, pardon me for telling fo many lyes of you. 

Har, I fuppofe the Riddle is plain now. 

Lucy. No, that mufl; be my work, good Sir bear me. 

{Kneels to Mr. Pcinhwife, who jiands dog- 
gedly^ with his hat over his eyes. 
Mr. Pin. I will never hear woman again, but make 'era all filent 

thus [Ojfers to draw Hpon his Wife. 

Hor. No, that mull not be. 

Mr. Pin. You then fhall go firft, 'tis all one tome. 

{Offers to draw on Hor. 
fiopt by Harcourt. 

Har. Hold 

Enter Sir Jafper Fidget, Lady Squeamifh, 
Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamifh. 

Sirjafp. What's the matter,what's the matter, pray what's the mat- 
ter. Sir, I befeech you communicate Sir ? 

Mr. Pin. Why m^y Wife has communicated Sir, as your Wife may 
have done too Sir, if fhe knows hioi Sir • 

Sir Jafp. Pfhaw, with him, ha, ha, he. 

Mr, Pin, D'ye mock me Sir .? a Cuckold is a kind of a wild Beafl, 
have a care Sir— — 

Sirjafp. No fare, you mock me Sir — he cuckold you ! it can't be, 
ha, ha, he, why, I'll tell you Sir. {^Offers to whifper. 

Mr. Pin. I tell you again, he has whor'd my Wife, and yours too, 
if he knows her, and all the women he comes near j 'tis not his difTem- 
bling, his hypocrifie can wheedle me. 

Sir Jafp. How, does he diOemble, is he a Hypocrite ? nay then — how- 
Wife Sifter is he an Hypocrite ? 

Old La. Squeam. An Hypocrite, a difTembler, fpeak young Harlotry, 
fpeak how.^ 

Sirjafp. Nay then O myheadtoo« O thou libidinous 

Lady / 

Old La. S^Hcam. O thouHarloting, Harlotry, haft thou don't then ? 

Sirjafp, Speak good Horner .^ art thou a dillembler, a Rogue ? hal£ 

Hor. Soh 

Lucy. Pie fetch you off? and her too, if fhe will but hold her tongus^ 

^Apart to Hor, 

Hor. Canft thou ? I'll give thee- • {^Apart to Luc- 

Lucy to Mr. Pin. Pray have but patience to hear me Sir, who am the 
unfortunate caufe of all this confufion, your Wife is innocent, I only 
culpable^ fori put her upon telling you all thefelyes, concerning my 
Miflrefs, in order to the breaking ofFthe match between Mr, Sparkjjh 
and her, to make way for Mr. Hareonrt. 

*?x3 The Country-Wife^ 

Sparki Did you fo, eternel Rotten- tooth ? then it feems my Miftrefs 
was not falfe to flie, 1 was only deceiv'd by you. Brother that fhouM 
have been, now man ofcondud, who is a frank perfon now, to bring 

your Wife to her Lover -ha 

Lffcy. I allure you Sir, fhe came not to Mr. /^or«fr out of love, for 

fhe loves him no more— 

Mrs. Pin: Hold, I told lyes for you, but you fhall tell none for me, 
fori do love Mr. iiorwev with all my foul, and no body fhall fay me 
nay^ praydon*£ you go to make poor Ux.Hornsr believe to the con- 
trary, 'tis fpitefuUy done of you, I'm fure, 

Hor. Peace, Dear Ideot. L^fidetoAIrs.V'm, 

Mrs. Tin. Nay, I will not peace. 
Mr. Pin. Not till I make you. 

Enter Dorilant, Quack. 
^or, Horner^ your Servant, I am the Dodor's Guell, he muft excufe 
our intrufion. 

^^ck^ But what's the matter Gentlemen, for Heavens fake, what's 
the matter ? 

Hor. Oh 'tis well you are come—'tis a cenforious world we livein, 
you may have brought me a reprieve, or elfe I had dyed- for a crime, 
I never committed, and thefe innocent Ladies had fufFer'd with me, 
therefore pray fatisfie thefe worthy, honourable, jealous Gentlemen — 

that— ^ \Whifpers. 

Qttack^ O I underftand you, is that all — Sir Jafper^ by heavens 

and upon the word of a Phylician Sir, [Whifpers to Sir Jalper. 

Sir Jafp. Nay I do believe you truly — ^pardon me my virtuous Lady, 
and dear of honour. 

Old La. Sqneam. What then all's right again? 

Sir JaJ, Ay, ay, and now let us fatisfie him too. JThey whifper with 

"i Mr. Pinchwife. 
Mr. Pin. An Eunuch •' pray no fooling with me. - 

Quack. I'ie bring half the Chyrurgeons in Town to fwear it. 

Mr, Pin. They they'l fwear a man that bled to death 

through his wounds died of an Apoplexy. 

Q^ack^ Pray hear me Sir why all the Town has heard the 

report of him. 
Mr. Pin. But does all the Town believe it ? 
Quack, Pray inquire a little, and firft of all thefe. 
Mr. Pin. I'm fure when I left the Town he was the lewdeft fellow 

Quacks I tell you Sir he has been in France fince, pray ask but thefe 
Ladies and Gentlemen, your friend Mr. Dorilant. Gentlemen and La- 
dies, han't you all heard the late fad report of poor Mr. ii/br«e?"? 
.All Lad. Ay, ay, ay. 

L)or. Why thou jealous Fool, doft thou doubt it, he's an errant French 

Mrs. Pin. 'Tis falfe Sir, you Ihall not difparage poor Mr. Horner^ 
for to my certain kaowledge ^ Lucy, 

.. The Country-Wife: ^ ,. 71 

5^«e^w. Scop her mouth ' }[^Afide tohvic^^ 

Old La. Fid, Upon my honour Sir, 'tis as true. — — . [To Pinch. 

I>ayn. D'y think we would have been feen in his company- . 

Squeam. Truft our unfpotted reputations with him ! 

0/<j/ L^. F^^. This you get, and we too, by trufting your fecret to 

a fool' — [_Afde to Hor. 

Hor, Peace Madam, -well Dodor, is not this a gooddefign that 

carries a man on unfufpeded, and brings him offfafe. — [Afide to Quack, 

Mr. Fin. Well, if this were true, but my Wife- £Afide. 

[Dorilant ti?^//p5ri with Air s^P'mch' 

Jli. Gome Brother, your Wife is yet innocent you fee, but have a 

care of too ftrong an imagination, left like an overconcern'd timerous 

Gamefter,by fancying an unlucky caft,ic ihould come, Women and Fortune 

are truelt ftiil to thofe that truft 'em. 

Lncy. And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for 
being kept up, and more dangerous to the Keeper. 
Ali. There's dodrine for all Husbands Mr. HarcoHrt. 
Har. I edifie Madam fo much, that I am impatient till I am one. 
Dor. And I edifie fo much by example I will never be one. 
S^ar, And becaufe I will not difparage my parts I'le ne're be one, 
Hor. And I alas can't be one. 

■Mr, Pin. But I mufi: be one — againft my will to a Country- 
Wife, with a Country. murrain to me. 

Mrs^ Tin. And 1 mult be a Country Wife flill too I find, for I can% 
like a City one, be rid of my mufty Husband and do what I lilt. {_Afde. 
Hor, Now Sir I mult pronounce your Wife Innocent, though I blulh 
whiilt I do it, and I am the only man by her now expos'd to fhame, 
which 1 will Itreight drown in Wine, as you fhall your fufpicion, 
and the Ladies troubles we'll divert with a Ballat. Dodor where are 
your Maskers? 

Lucy. Indeed Ihe's Innocent Sir, lam her witnefs, and her end of 
coming out was but to fee her Sifter's Wedding, and what (he has faid 
to your face of her Love to Mr. Hwmr was but the ufual innocenjE re-- 

venge on a Husband's jealoulie, was it not Madam, fpeak — ■ 

Mrs. Pin. Since you'l have me tell more lyes — [_^Afide ^oLucy^HornerJ 
Yes indeed Budd. 

Mr. Tin. For ray own fake fain I wou'd all believe. 

Cuckolds like Lovers fhou'd themfelves deceive. 

But Cy?g^^'? 

His honour is leaft fafe, f too late I find) 
Who trufts it with a foolifh Wife or Friend, 
A Dance of Cnckplds. 
Hor. VainFopps, but court, and drefs, and keep a puther^ 
To pafs forWomens men, with one another. 
But he who aims by women to be priz'd, 
Firft by the men you fee muft be defpis'd. 

EPILOGUE, fpoken by Mrs. Knep. 

NOw you the P'igorous^ tvho Jayly hen y 

OVe Fizard Mask^ in puhlkk domineer , > 

And what you d do to her if in Place where ^ i. 

Nay have the confidence, to cry come outy 
Tet when Jhe fays lead on, you are not flout ; 
But to your well-drefl Brother ftratght turn round 
And cry. Fox on her Ned, Jhe cant he found: 
Thenjlink away, a frejh one to ingage, p' 

With fo much feeming heat and loving Rage, S 

Toud frighten liftnlng A^refs on the Stage j . i/ 

Till Jhe at lafl has feenyou huffing come, y 

And talk of keeping in the Tyreing-Room, ^ 

Tet cannot be provoked to lead her home : ^ 5 

Next you Falftafis of fifty, who hefet 
Tour Buckram Maidenheads, which your friends get ; 
And whilfl to them you of atchievements hoafl^ 
they Jhare the booty, and laugh at your coft. 
In fine, youEjfenst Boyes^ both Old and Toung, y 

Who woud be thought fo eager, brisk, andftrong, S 

Tet do the Ladies , not their Husbands wrong .* . \ 

Whofe Purfes for your manhood make excufe. 
And keep your Flanders Mares for Jhew, not ufe; 
Bncouragd by our Womans Man to day, 
A Horner's part may vainly think to play; % 

And may Intreagues fo bajhfully difown 
That they may doubted be by few or none. 

May kifs the Cards at Picque, Hombre,-^ Lu, "7 

And fo be taught to kifs the Lady too ; ^ 

But Gallants , have a care faith what you do. ^ 

The World, which to no man his due will give, 

Tou by experience know you can deceive. 

And men may ft ill believe you Vigorous, 

But then we Women there s no couining us. 

F I N I s. 

Books newly Printed for James Knapon, at the Crom. 
in St. Pauh Church-yard. 


S Quire of Alfatia. 
True Widow. - 

i^morousBigott, or, Teague Devilly the Irijh PrieH:. All Co- 
medies, and Written by Tho. ShadwelL 
Fortune- Hunters, a Comedy ; written by Captain Carlile. 
Widow Ranter, or the Hiftory of Bacon in f^irgmta ; a Tragi-Comedy , 
Forc'd Marriage, or the Jealous Bridegroom ,• a Tragi-Comedy. 
Sir Patient Fancy ; a Comedy- 

The feign'd Curtizan, or a Nights Intreague ; a Comedy .- All four 
written by Mrs. A. Behn, the Author of the Rover, and Empe- 
rour of the Moon. 
Engltfh Frier, or the Town- Sparks, a Comedy ; written by Mr. Crown, 

Author of Sir Courtly Nice. 
Female Prelate, being a Hiftory of the Life and Death of Pope Joan ; 

a Tragedy, written by Elk. Settle. 
Mr. Anthony, a Comedy ; written by the Right Honourable the 

Earlof Orrfry, Author of //d'«ry V". and Muj'lapba. 
The Devil of a Wife, or a Comical Transformation ; written by 

Mr. Jevon. 
Deluge, or the Deftrucfiion of the World; an Opera* 
Don Carlos^ a Tragedy. 
Friendfliip in Faihion, aComedy. 
Titus and Berenice, a Tragedy, with a Farce called The Cheats of: 

Scapin ; all three written by Mr. Tho> Otivay. 
Tht Spanijh Frier, or the Double Difcovery, written by Mr. D/-)^^/^;?. 
Circe, a Tragedy, written by Charles D'Avanant, LLD. 
Anthony and Cleopatra, a Tragedy, written by Sir Charles SeMey, Bar.. 
Lucius Jgunius Brutus, a Tragedy, written by Mr. Lee. 
The Siege of Bij^y/^;?, wrm^nhy Samuel Pordage^ Efq;. 
The Sicilian Ufurper, a Tragedy, written by Mr. Nat h. Tate, with 
a Prefatory Epiftle in Vindication of the Author, occafioned by 
the prohibition of this Play on the Stage. 
Citherea, or the Enamouring Girdle ; by Mr. John Smith. 
The Engli/h Monarch, an Heroick Tragedy ; by Tho.Rymer, Efqj 


P B M S,^c 

A Congratulatory Poem to His Highnefs the P. of 0. on his coming 
into England. 

A Congratulatory Poem to Q;. M. on her coming into England, 

An Ode on the Anniverfary of the Kings Birth. 

An Ode on the Kings Return kom Ireland; all written by Tho.Shad* 
welly V'oQi Laureat, and Hioftoriographer-Royal. 

Governour of Cyprus^ or the Loves of Fir otto and Dorothea^ a No- 
vel, in Twelves. 

The Wanton Fricr,or thtlr'ijh Amour,i{l6: id part,a Novel, inTwel, 

The Hiftory of the Inqulfition, as it is Exercifed at ^oa ; written in 
French by the Ingenious Monfieur Dellon, who laboured f years 
under thofe Severities, with an account ©f his Deliverance. 
-T i- ^vPi'dttd into Effgl/Jh. ^arto^ ipYiCQ i s. 

Some Obfervations concerning Regulating of ElecStions for Parlia-^ 
nnen'f, humbly lit commended to the Confideration of this pre- 
fent ParlisiTjent, 

Sj^adriennmn'i Jacohi, or the Hiftory of the Reign of King James 11. 
from his coming to the Crown to his Defertion. Price bound is. 6 J. 

Their Highnefles the Prince and Princefs of Or^«g^'s Opinion about 

:. a General Liberty of Confcience, bei^g .a CollecHion of four Se- 
led Paper), viz. i, Mijn Beer fageh fiffl Letter to Mr. Stewarf, 
2. Reflections on Monfieur /^^^^//s fecond Letter. 3, Fage/Ts 
fecond Letter to Mr. Stewart. 4. Some Extrads out of Mr. Stew- 
arts Letter, which were. communicated to Mijn Heer PageUp 
together with fome References to Mr. Stewarts Letters. Quarto, 
ftitch'd 6d. . „ ;•: 

Miracles of the BlefTed Virgin, or an Hiftorical Account of the 
Ori;^{nal and Stupendious performances of the Image, called our 

.vBlefled Lady of Hailef 'uiz. Reftoringthe Dead to Life, Healing 
the Sick, Delivering of Captives, (§c. Price 6(1. 

A Juftification of K. W. and Q. /Jf . of their Royal Highneiles 
Prince Gecrge and Princefs Anne,* of the Convention, Army, 
Minifiersof State, and others, in this great Revolution. 


O. Box 1892 
uston, Texas 77001